


Before I Close My Eyes

by LeChatRouge673



Series: Thea's Song [29]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-09-24 10:20:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 55,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20356852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeChatRouge673/pseuds/LeChatRouge673





	1. I Wrote My Own Pain

_22 Drakonis, 9:20 Dragon_

Highever in the spring was beautiful. Trees were bright with the newness of the season, meadows were carpeted in swaying grasses and fragrant wildflowers, and the air still held just the faintest whisper of bright chill to counter the cheerful presence of the sun. There were certainly less pleasant places to spend the spring holiday, including Nathaniel’s own home in Amaranthine. Their hosts, the Couslands, had been inviting the Howes to spend the holiday there for years, and this time his father had finally accepted the invitation. Of course, Rendon had only accepted because he was currently angling for a promotion with the Coulsand-Trevelyan shipping empire, Seawolf & Steed, but Nathaniel did not care so much how they got here, so long as they did.

It had been a wonderful vacation so far, though of course Nathaniel had been relatively reserved in his excitement. He was thirteen now, after all, and therefore far too old to spend his time with the younger kids. Or at least, that had been his plan: a plan that had begun to crack when he had gotten out of the car and seen Cataline Cousland standing on the front porch with her cousin and her parents, her gentle smile brightening when she saw him and her violet eyes sparkling in the soft spring sunshine. Nathaniel’s heart had skipped a beat, and he was still trying to puzzle out why.

They were all outside now while his father and the Couslands caught up. Cat and Delilah were working on a jigsaw puzzle, Thomas was whining about being bored, and little Thea, whose ninth birthday they would be celebrating the next day, was watching him shoot arrows down the range Bryce had set up for him. She still wasn’t saying anything to him; he was not sure he’d ever heard her say more than a dozen words at a time, but she seemed intent on watching him practice and he didn’t have the heart to chase her off. The stories about her being an orphan were an exaggeration, of course, but they weren’t far off, and Nathaniel knew all too well what it was to be a constant disappointment to one’s parents.

“I said no, Thomas.”

“I’ll tell my dad and he’ll _make_ you play with me.”

Nathaniel’s temper was suddenly as tense as his bowstring, and it was taking every once of his self-control to not walk over to his brother and knock some sense into him. Tommy’s relentless teasing of Cat had taken a more aggressive bent this year, and Nathaniel had just had enough of it. At least, he _told_ himself that was the only reason it bothered him more this year.

“I don’t think _my_ dad would let him.” Cat replied evenly, but from the corner of his eye Nathaniel could see she was trying to edge away from Tommy, who just gave her an unpleasant grin and stepped closer.

“Says you.”

“Exactly. And I believe she said you can go away.”

Nathaniel turned slightly to see that Theadosia, who he had not even heard get up, was now staring down Thomas. Her little arms were crossed and a muted glare was sparking behind her storm blue eyes. A few auburn strands had come loose from her braid and her feet were bare and just a bit dirty from running around outside, giving her a fierce and slightly feral appearance that gave even Thomas pause. Cat took the opportunity to try and soothe her cousin.

“It’s ok, Thea,” she reassured her, “I can handle it.”

“Yeah, back off _orphan_,” Thomas sneered at her and, before either girl could react, gave Cataline a hard pinch on the arm.

“Hey,” she shrieked. Nathaniel set his bow on the ground and stalked towards his brother, rage flaring up in his chest. His brother had gone too far, and in that moment Nathaniel did not care one bit how much trouble he got into with his father, he was going to defend Cataline and make sure Tommy knew he couldn’t get away with this. Or at least, that was his plan, save for one lightning fast motion from little Thea.

Who had punched Tommy square in the nose.

* * *

Nathaniel watched as Bryce Cousland pinched the bridge of his nose with a sigh, then looked at the three of them. Nathaniel, Delilah, and Cat had been called inside after Tommy ran crying to his father. Thea had, conveniently, disappeared. Nathaniel couldn’t blame her: his father had zero empathy for the little girl, and Thomas was the favorite. On the other hand, there was no way in the void Bryce and Eleanor Cousland would allow Rendon Howe to do anything to their niece, but it did not mean she would not be in trouble. Possibly big trouble.

“What. Happened.”

Cat looked like she was about to answer her father, but Tommy began his wailing all over again before she could. “That stupid orphan brat hit me on the nose!” Thomas whined, crocodile tears still staining his cheeks.

“Thea is not an orphan,” Eleanor Cousland corrected impatiently. Nathaniel could tell she had no tolerance for his brother, and he couldn’t say he blamed her. “Her parents are still alive and well, she simply lives here so she can attend the same school as Cataline.”

“Yeah, and because her parents don’t want her.”

“Nathaniel,” his father interjected sharply, either not hearing or, more likely, choosing to ignore his younger son’s comment, “What happened?”

He shrugged. “Tommy was being his usual charming self and went too far with Cataline. He pinched her hard enough it’ll probably leave a bruise, and she jumped out of the way. When she did, Tommy lost his balance and fell flat on his face. Thea wasn’t anywhere near him.” He was almost surprised at how easily the lie came to him, but even more surprised at the swell of warmth in his heart when he saw the look in Cat’s eyes as she realized what he was doing, and the smile that ever so briefly lit up her face.

And in that moment, he realized he wanted nothing so much as to see that smile again.

“What?” Thomas shrieked, “That is _not_ what happened! Thea punched me, right in the nose!”

Eleanor raised an incredulous eyebrow. “_Thea_. Little Thea managed to knock an older boy onto the ground with a single hit. Even accounting for your… _vivid_ imagination, Tommy, I find that difficult to believe.”

“But that’s what happened!” Thomas pouted.

“And where exactly was Thea, if she wasn’t with the rest of you?” Bryce asked them. The small smile tugging at his lips told Nathaniel that he knew perfectly which version of events was true, and which one he was going to choose to believe.

“She went to play in the woods. We hadn’t seen her for at least twenty minutes.” Delilah spoke up, her voice small and quiet but strong. He was proud of his sister: for all that she had it no easier than he did, she probably had even more courage.

Rendon turned his attention back to Nathaniel, his eyes slightly narrowed, but Nathaniel met his gaze straight on. Finally, his father gave up and turned to the Couslands. “Bryce, Eleanor, I am _terribly_ sorry about this mess. I will certainly be having a talk with Tommy about his behavior.”

Nathaniel resisted the urge to snort in skepticism and managed to keep a straight face, but he was finding it increasingly difficult to keep his own eyes from sliding back to Cat; to see how she was reacting. He almost did not hear what Bryce said next.

“Nate, would you maybe be willing to go check on Thea? I know Eleanor was hoping Cat and Lilah would help wrap the rest of her presents for tomorrow. I’m sure she’s fine, but I would feel better knowing for certain.” Bryce offered him a kind smile, and if Nathaniel didn’t know any better, he could have sworn there was a spark of thanks in his eyes.

“Sure, I’ll go track her down,” Nathaniel agreed, sparing one final glance at Cat as he headed back outside. She was looking at him, too, and there was still that sweet smile on her face. It took him a moment to remember what he was doing, but he finally made it out the front door. He made a brief detour at the car, retrieving a gift bag from the back. The gift had been intended for tomorrow, on Thea’s birthday proper, but he thought an offering to the tempestuous girl might be in order. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure if she’d like it, but it had to be better than the wildly age inappropriate gift his father had brought: a thick, ponderous tome of Fereldan history that was like as not to bore the poor girl to tears.

Nathaniel walked to the edge of the woods, then paused to listen. He was good at tracking, and he had a fairly good idea of which direction Thea had run off in. It did not take him long before he spotted a pale, slightly dirty foot dangling from the branches of a particularly appealing climbing tree. Without waiting for her to invite him up, he swung himself into the branches and began climbing until he found her tucked away in the crook of a branch, a book in her hands and a look of utter calm on her face. He settled down on his own branch, then waited. Nathaniel knew there was no point in pushing the girl until she was good and ready to speak. Finally, she used a leaf to mark her place, then shut her book and looked at him.

“If they have sent you to bring me back, you may as well turn around and leave now. I will come back when I am good and ready; not before. If I am going to be in trouble, I want to have actually deserved it.”

Despite himself, Nathaniel laughed, shaking his head. “You’re not, actually. We covered for you.”

“Oh.” Thea frowned slightly. “Why?”

He shrugged. “Because my brother deserved worse than what you gave him. Honestly, if I had gotten to him first, he probably would have gotten it, too.”

For some reason, this brought a small, knowing smile to Thea’s lips. “I see,” she nodded with mock sobriety. “Then, thanks. For whatever it is worth.” She nodded in the direction of the gift bag he had looped around his arm while he climbed. “So what’s that?”

“Oh, right,” he handed it over. “It’s for you. Happy birthday.”

She peered at him warily. “My birthday’s not til tomorrow.”

“I am aware,” he replied dryly. “I am sure you will have plenty of presents then, too. This one’s from me.”

She accepted the offering with the slightest hint of suspicion before she began ferreting through the tissue paper. Finally, she reached in and pulled out a stuffed bear. She stared at it for a long moment, almost as if she could not decide if it was a joke or not. Nathaniel shifted uncomfortably on his branch, suddenly questioning the wisdom of his decision. “I wasn’t sure if you were too old for that kind of thing or not,” he admitted. “I just-”

“Teddy,” she whispered, and he blinked at her.

“What?”

Thea swallowed hard, her hand gently stroking Teddy’s fur. “His name is Teddy. Not terribly imaginative, I suppose, but I always wanted a bear to name Teddy. My parents would never buy one for me. Thought it was childish, and I never had the nerve to ask Bryce and Eleanor, so… so thanks.” She looked up and, for the first time since he had known her, there was a bright, genuine smile there.

“You’re welcome,” he replied, offering a smile of his own in return. Then, without warning, Thea began swinging down out of the tree. “Where are you going?” He called after her.

“C’mon,” she instructed, her voice fading as she descended. “I want to show you something.”

Nathaniel did as she asked, but by the time he made it down Thea was already almost to the edge of the woods. When he caught up with her, she was kneeling by the bank of the river that ran down to the sea, Teddy and her book clutched in one arm as she carefully picked a bouquet of wildflowers in the other. When he reached her, she stood up and handed them to him. He raised an eyebrow at her in question, but she just rolled her eyes.

“They’re not _from_ me,” she explained, as though it should have been obvious. “But I think you will find them useful very shortly.” And with that, she turned and dashed back towards the woods before Nathaniel could get another word out.

“Nate?”

He turned, and there was Cataline, copper hair shining in the sunlight and light dancing in her eyes. Nathaniel took a deep breath, then looked at the bouquet of wildflowers Thea had handed over. He took a step closer to Cataline.

“These are for you.”

* * *

He did not have a chance to ask Thea about her odd actions that day: she kept to the woods until dusk, at which point she deigned to come inside and was promptly ordered into the bath by her aunt. Dinner conversation was mostly focused on mundane topics and, even if they hadn’t, Nathaniel did not exactly want to ask Thea about the flowers in front of everyone else. The next day was no better, with the celebrations for Thea’s birthday taking up most of the day, and he was not able to find a moment to talk to her amidst all the excitement.

The day after the party, Nathaniel found himself hiding out in his room. He had been slightly disappointed to learn that Cat and Delilah had gone into town with Eleanor to do some shopping and have lunch. All the more so because he knew there was a good chance his father would expect him to entertain Tommy. When he heard an insistent knock at his door, his heart sank, and he was trying to work up the will to answer it when it opened, and Thea poked her head inside.

“Why did you bother knocking if you were just coming in anyways?” Nathaniel asked, slightly exasperated. “What if I’d been changing?”

Thea stared at him flatly, then pointed to the closed blinds. “In the dark, in the middle of the day? Besides, I really doubt I’m the one you’re worried about seeing you in your underwear, as I don’t much care either way. Now come on.”

“What do you mean, I’m not worried about you? Who exactly do you think I _am_ worried about?” He asked, but followed her downstairs anyways. Thea gave a small snort, but did not answer. Instead, they entered the kitchen where Bryce and Rendon were having a cup of coffee. Rendon shot his eldest son a muted glare as he entered, and looked like he was about to say something when Thea piped up.

“Uncle Bryce, can I go down to the beach if Nate comes with? I promise I won’t get in the water.”

Bryce nodded. “Sure, if Nate feels like going.”

Nate could practically hear his father’s mouth slam shut, and he barely caught the sigh of relief in his own lungs. “Yeah, I don’t mind. I’d like to get outside anyways.”

Before either man could say anything else, Thea had taken Nathaniel by the hand and dragged him towards the backdoor. She retrieved a backpack from the porch and then skipped down the steps, leaving him little choice but to follow. She didn’t say much as they walked the short path down to the beach, instead waiting until they had reached the sand and he had slipped off his shoes. She, of course, was already barefoot. Thea settled down on a log, then reached into her backpack and retrieved first Teddy, then a canteen and a tin of cookies. She dug out two for herself, then passed the tin to him.

“Thanks,” Nathaniel said, still a bit confused.

“You’re welcome,” she shrugged. “Figured if we were going to hide out, we may as well have some snacks.”

“And why exactly are we hiding out?”

She looked at him with something akin to pity in her eyes. “Unless you really wanted to spend the day with your brother? I heard your dad looking for you and I put two and two together. Figured I’d take a gamble and see if hanging out with me was preferable.”

“Absolutely,” Nate nodded, then studied her. “You’re smarter than my dad gives you credit for, aren’t you?”

To his surprise, the question did not offend her in the slightest. In fact, she flashed a brief grin in his direction. “I’m smarter than most people give me credit for,” she informed him without the slightest trace of arrogance; to her, it was simply a fact. “Now let me ask _you_ something. Do you like Cat?”

Nathaniel sat in stunned silence for a moment, but Thea seemed content enough to wait. “What do you mean?” He asked slowly. “Of course I like Cat. She’s… she’s nice.”

“Not what I was getting at, Nate, and I think you knew that,” she pressed. “Do you _like_ Cat?”

“I… I mean…” He stumbled over the words. How did she even know to ask? He barely knew, and yet… and yet he _did_ know, didn’t he? “She’s very nice,” he repeated lamely, “And she’s very pretty.”

Thea nodded, a half-smile settling onto her features as she looked out over the ocean.

“I’m glad.”

* * *

_17 Justinian, 9:30 Dragon_

The sound of her sandals hitting the back of her feet rang out in the stillness of the morning, making Cat wince slightly. She had already been out the door by the time she realized she had not even grabbed a _matching_ pair of sandals, though she had at least managed to grab one for each foot. Part of her wished she’d taken more time to make herself look human, rather than throwing on the first clean shirt and pair of pajama pants she’d found, but the greater part of her had to see him; had to tell him how she felt.

It had not escaped her notice that Nathaniel had been remarkably quiet about his plans for after graduation. Gentle inquiries had been met with evasion, which was incredibly out of character for him, at least when talking with her. Thea seemed to have no better luck, so at least it wasn’t _just_ Cat who he wasn’t being up front with. If he had not told his best friend what he was up to, Cat felt less put out that he had not told her either. It was Thea, however, who had strongly suggested that if Cat had something to say to Nathaniel, she ought to do it now, which meant she was nervous too. That was never a good sign.

Cat rounded the corner, and what she found there nearly made her heart stop. Nathaniel, sitting on the hood of his station wagon and looking out over the city, all of his belongings packed up and in the back. The implications were stark and utterly heartbreaking. She had known this was a possibility; had prayed to the Maker and Andraste every night for weeks that she was wrong, but in her heart she’d known the truth already. He was leaving.

Worse, she knew he had to leave.

Things had only gotten worse for Nathaniel over the past few years. His already abysmal home life had become unbearable, with his father picking apart every aspect of his elder son’s life, from his course of study in university to his choice of friends to the way he wore his hair. Cat had been selfishly glad that Rendon’s abuse had prompted Nathaniel to spend almost all of his school breaks and holidays with the Cousland family rather than Amaranthine, but she knew that, someday, Nathaniel would reach his breaking point. He deserved better, but she had hoped she might have been a part of whatever plan he had for the future. Finding out she wasn’t…

“Thea is going to kill you, you know.”

She saw his head dip briefly against his chest as he sighed. When he turned to face her, she saw guilt and sadness written clearly in the silvery shadows of his eyes. “How did you find out?” He asked, his voice soft.

Cat shook her head, managing a slightly bitter smile. “I didn’t. I was on my way over her to tell you…” She stopped short, knowing she could not finish that sentence. _To tell you I love you. That I’ve loved you for years, and that if you asked me to, I would run away with you in a heartbeat_. But she couldn’t speak the words; could not be the reason he stayed behind, to continue being beaten into the ground emotionally by his father and brother, to continue living a life believing he was anything less than a good man. “It doesn’t matter,” she whispered finally, shaking her head. “How long have you been planning this, exactly?”

His shoulders sank slightly. “A few weeks,” he admitted.

“Hm.” Cat sat down on the car beside him, staring out over the city as dawn slowly washed over it. “Does Thea know?”

“No,” he replied quickly. “No, Cat, I swear. I haven’t told anyone. If I had, it would have been…” He let the sentence trail off unfinished, but Cat could guess how he intended to end it. A slight shiver ran through her body, though she could not tell if it was the early morning chill or the slowly encroaching grief on her heart that prompted it. Nathaniel slipped his leather jacket off, his favorite, and placed it over her shoulders. Cat offered him a small smile, then took a deep breath.

“I know why you feel like you need to leave, Nate,” she murmured. “I know why you _need_ to leave. I wish to the Maker you didn’t, but you deserve better than the life you have here.”

Nathaniel seemed to consider this for a moment, then his eyes fell away. “Thank you, Cat.”

“You’ll keep in touch?”

“Yes,” he nodded uncertainly.

“And you’ll come back to visit?”

“…yes.”

Cat sighed, but did not call him on the lie. She stood up and took his jacket in her hands, offering it back to him without meeting his gaze. He shook his head, gently pushing it back towards her. “Keep it,” he whispered. Cat threaded her arms through the sleeves and wrapped the well-worn material tighter around her body, trying, and failing, to keep the tears from flowing down her cheeks.

Nathaniel stood up and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close and holding her as though he no more wanted to let her go than she wanted him to. She buried her head against his chest, trying to memorize this moment: the way he smelled, the sound of his heartbeat against her ear, the way her body seemed to fit perfectly against his…

Finally, neither of them could put it off any longer. Cat stepped away then and, arching up onto her toes, she brushed a soft kiss against Nathaniel’s cheek. She watched in silence as Nathaniel got into his car, started the ignition, and drove off into the sunrise. Taking a deep breath, she turned and began the slow walk back to the campus apartment she shared with Thea.

_What am I going to tell Thea?_

By the time she walked in the front door, the tears were flowing freely, and Cat collapsed in the front hall as soon as it shut behind her. From the kitchen, she could smell the familiar scents of coffee brewing, and she knew Thea was already awake.

“Cat?” Thea poked her head around the corner, alarm replacing curiosity on her face as she saw her cousin weeping on the floor. She rushed over and knelt beside her, wrapping her arms around Cat and holding her close. “Andraste’s sacred ass, Cat, what happened? Are you alright? What did Nate say? He can’t possibly have rejected you…”

“He left, Thea,” Cat whispered, barely managing the words through her tears. Thea stared at her blankly for a moment, then shook her head, a frown settling on her brow.

“The void do you mean, ‘he left’?” She demanded. “He can’t have left. He would have said something, he… he wouldn’t just _leave_.”  
  
Cat could hear the panic rising in Thea’s tone, and beneath her own grief and pain she felt a surge of pity for her. This was not the first time Thea had been abandoned, but it would be far more painful. She’d not cared about her birth parents any more than they had about her, but Nate was her best friend, and she loved him. Nearly as much as Cat herself did.

“He left,” Cat repeated. “He… he had to, Thea. You know he did. We knew this might happen.”

“Wait…” Thea’s brow furrowed deeper. “You saw him leave? You saw him, and you didn’t tell him how you felt? You just let him leave?”

Cat felt a twinge in her heart. “Thea, I couldn’t. I couldn’t be the reason he stayed and suffered.”

Thea just stared at her, and for a moment Cat was afraid she was going to start shouting, but instead Thea simply stood up and walked into the kitchen. There was silence, then Cat heard the sudden shattering of something ceramic on the tiles. Another breath, and then another rain of shards. Thea smashed half a dozen dishes, each one joined by a muted sob, before Cat heard her retrieve the brush and dustpan from the closet.

Cat forced herself to stand, walking into the kitchen, clutching Nathaniel’s jacket tighter around her. Thea was hunched over the sink, knuckles white where they grasped the counter and her entire body shaking. Tears ran down her cheeks, but the rage seemed to have bled out of her. Approaching her carefully, Cat reached out and wrapped her arms around her, and Thea returned the gesture.

“We’ve got each other,” Thea whispered stubbornly. “I’m never going to abandon you, Catkin, I promise.”

“I know, Teddy girl,” Cat murmured, letting her head rest against her cousin’s. “We will always have each other, no matter what.”

They stood there in the kitchen, and they each wept for what they had lost.

* * *

_10 Cloudreach, 9:36 Dragon_

Theadosia Trevelyan sat at the bar, sipping her cocktail and gazing intently at the TV that was on behind the counter. There was no sound, but she already knew the story: King Cailan Theirin was dead, and the blame for the failed military operation had fallen squarely on Teyrn Loghain Mac Tir, who had left the capital in disgrace. Rumor had it that he was entering a self-imposed exile of sorts, being allowed to return to his teyrnir of Gwaren in exchange for removing himself from Denerim politics. Pity, really. She may have been more enthused about returning to her homeland if it meant getting to look at the teyrn during long, otherwise boring meetings between S&S and the crown.

More to the point, she did not disagree with the course of action he’d taken. There was a great deal of debate about whether or not Loghain could have saved Cailan had he committed more men to the frontlines, but all Thea saw was a massacre that had been prevented at the cost of a single man. Granted, that man was a king, but so what? Everyone knew Queen Anora was the real power behind the throne, which was why the recent attempt to overthrow her had also failed. Or perhaps Thea had simply grown cynical in recent years. Or, her better judgement was being clouded by the annoyingly attractive man currently on the screen. She wished she could have met him before everything happened.

She rolled her eyes and threw back the rest of her drink. Loghain Mac Tir’s unfortunate absence aside, she was not enthused about returning to Denerim, but circumstances forced her hand. Her graduate program was finished, and she had been running out of excuses to not come back and take on her role within the family business. She’d missed Cat, of course, and she knew it had been difficult for her cousin to have Thea away at school. But she’d always promised she would come back, and Thea kept her promises. Then, in the chaos following the Battle of Ostagar, Rendon Howe had betrayed them all in the worst possible way.

The assassination plot had been sloppy and ill-conceived, for which Thea was oddly grateful. Cat had made a few calls to their friend Zevran, and it had taken the former crow all of three days to leave a convenient bundle of ‘anonymous’ information in the hands of the Denerim Police Department. The embezzlement had actually been a much more impressive job, and it had taken Thea’s contact, Fenris, weeks to track the money trails back to Howe. After that, it had been a rapid unraveling, with charges ranging from treason, espionage, attempted murder, and conspiracy to commit murder joining the embezzlement indictment.

Thea almost wished she could say she had not felt a rush of sheer, vindictive glee sitting in the courtroom as Rendon Howe was sentenced to life in prison with no possibility of parole. Personally, she had been hoping for a death penalty, but apparently _someone_ had asked for lenience. She strong suspected she knew who was responsible, just as she knew Rendon did not deserve her kindness, but she had declined to press the issue. But with his imprisonment, it meant there would be no more putting off the inevitable: Cat and Thea would begin taking over the duties of running Seawolf & Steed, preparing to completely inherit the operation in five years when Bryce and Eleanor retired.

That had always been the plan: Fergus would take over the main operations of Highever, with continued input from his parents, while Thea and Cataline would join Thea’s birth sister, Margot, in running Seawolf & Steed. Thea’s running off to Ostwick to get her graduate degree was an act of sheer vanity and selfishness on her part: history was a hobby, not a career, as badly as she may have wished otherwise. It was time for her to go back.

Besides. Cat needed her.

Thea left a few bills on the counter to pay for her drinks and the tip, then slipped carefully off the bar stool. She grabbed her jacket and turned to leave, but she stopped dead in her tracks when her cursory glance caught a familiar face in one of the booths against the back wall. Long, raven black hair was tied back away from his face, and grey eyes were fixed on the phone in one hand while he nursed a beer in the other. She would have known him anywhere.

_Oh, _void_ no_.

Thea took an angry step forward, her hands already clenching into fists, but then she stopped. She took a deep breath, and considered her options. It had been six years since Nathaniel had disappeared from Denerim, shattering Cat’s heart and turning his back on Thea. She had spent those years trying her best to forget him; to help Cat move on, but she knew damn well neither of them had been successful. But would anything good come from confronting him now?

She bit her lower lip then, with a soft sigh, she shook her head and turned away. She had an early flight to catch the next morning. Perhaps Thea was ready to go home after all.

At least someone had to keep their promises to Cataline.

* * *

Nathaniel was not sure he could explain it… it was just a feeling, nothing more, but something prompted him to look up from his phone and look towards the door of the bar. It was only a glance, but he could have sworn he saw a familiar flash of auburn hair as a young woman exited the building.

_It can’t be… could it?_

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking another long drink of his beer. Of course it wasn’t. There was absolutely no reason Thea would be back in Ostwick, and even less reason she would be in this particular dive bar. It was simply his mind playing tricks on him, the result of too much time delving into the past in recent months.

His eyes drifted back down to his phone screen, where a photo of Cataline Cousland smiled back at him.


	2. Down By the Creek, I Couldn't Sleep

_2 Justinian, 9:39 Dragon_

Nathaniel fidgeted irritably with the cuffs of his suit jacket. He _hated_ having to wear a suit, and generally avoided it when at all possible, but today he had not been left with much choice. If he’d shown up at the royal palace wearing jeans and a button up with the sleeves rolled past his elbows, his normal go-to, it was likely they would not let him in the front doors.

The most recent summons had been the most insistent, and Nathaniel had finally accepted he would not be able to put off returning to Denerim any longer. Each neatly typed letter had been more pointed than the last: he needed to return to the capitol and either deal with his father’s forfeited assets and business interests, or he needed to sign the paperwork to have them released. Apparently Delilah had taken over her share two years ago, but Nathaniel had been dragging his feet. Some small, irresponsible part of him had hoped the crown would simply seize the assets and he would be off the hook, but of course that would have ended up in more legal paperwork and they still would have tracked him down. Probably not nearly so politely.

On the top page of the file that had been sent with the initial letter, his father’s mugshot glared back at him. Nathaniel still could not believe it; didn’t want to believe it. Despite their estrangement, Nathaniel could not help holding out some small hope that his father would someday prove to be a better man than he had become. Someone more like the man who had fought bravely and with honor alongside Bryce Cousland at the Battle of White River, not the small, bitter man who had thrown his entire life away in a fit of unreasonable ambition.

Yet somehow, he was not surprised. Not by his father’s actions, anyways. What had absolutely floored him was the fact that apparently, the two people most responsible for bringing him to justice were the two people he once thought he could trust most in this world: Cataline Cousland and Theadosia Trevelyan.

He had no right to feel betrayed, and in his heart he knew it, but there was still a part of him that was angry. His family was destroyed, and they had done nothing to mitigate it. They could have kept the embezzlement out of the press, or at the very least given Delilah notice so she could have taken steps to protect herself. There was a long list of other charges, but Nathaniel had barely registered any of them after he had seen Cat and Thea’s names. Apparently Thea herself had made a rare public appearance to testify against Rendon. Cat had not. Rendon deserved to be punished, but…

Nathaniel shook his head. He knew too much of his rationalizing was born of his own guilt at leaving. It had been almost nine years, and every damn day he regretted his decision. He missed his best friend, and he missed Cat so much his heart broke just thinking of her. Part of his refusal to think about his father’s trial and sentencing was directly related to his refusal to think about that part of his life. He was having difficulty sorting out how much he was angry at Cat and Thea for turning his father in, and how much he was angry at himself for not seeing who Rendon really was in the first place.

Nine years. Nine years since he had held Cat in his arms, and since he had left her behind. No matter how hard he’d tried to convince himself to move on; to convince himself that she inevitably had. He loved her; he always had, but he was the one who had run away and never looked back. He could not blame her if she had eventually looked forward.

He glanced in the mirror and tried to smooth the scowl from his features, only moderately succeeding. With a final sigh, he grabbed the file and his keys, then left his room and took the elevator down to the hotel lobby.

It was a short drive to the palace district, but it had been years since Nathaniel had driven in the capital, and he got lost twice before finally finding the correct parking area and someone who could direct him to the proper room. When he arrived, he took a seat in the very back, settling in as quietly as he could before turning his attention to the front of the room. To his great surprise, Queen Anora Mac Tir herself was seated at the center of a long table. Even more shocking, however, was the woman seated at the queen’s right hand.

Theadosia Livia Trevelyan had grown up: the last time Nathaniel had seen her, she’d been nineteen years old and just figuring out herself and who she wanted to be. Still smarter than everyone around her and still utterly sarcastic and with a mouth that tended to work even faster than her mind, but she’d learned to smile during the years they had been best friends. Now, the woman sitting beside Anora looked as though she could kill with a single glance. She had grown up into a stunning young woman, but she was too thin, for one thing, and her eyes sparked with a dangerous mix of intelligence and impatience. Though she spoke very little, save for a few whispered words to Anora here and there, Nathaniel could tell she was absorbing every word that was said around her.

“Uh oh,” he heard the dwarf with legion tattoos beside him mutter. Nathaniel turned to him, frowning slightly, and the stranger shrugged. “See the man who just stood up?” He nodded to the front of the room, keeping his voice low. “That’s Eamon Guerrin. There’s no love lost between him and her majesty, nor between him and Ms. Trevelyan, and she looks to be in a bad mood already.” He sighed. “Well, at least it should be entertaining.”

Nathaniel refocused his attention to the front of the room where Arl Guerrin was speaking his piece. He only vaguely remembered Eamon; he knew they must have crossed paths at some point, but that was years ago. He wondered what exactly the man had done to piss off Thea.

“Your Majesty,” Eamon began, his voice carefully neutral, “With the permanent relocation of Ms. Nightingale to Ferelden to run the intelligence department, the post of ambassador to Orlais has been left unfilled. As you know, my wife Isolde is of Orlesian heritage, though she has become a naturalized citizen of our country by virtue of her marriage to myself. If it pleases Your Majesty, I would strongly recommend her for the post. Her understanding of Orlesian culture, traditions, and social structure would be invaluable, as would her personal connections within Orlais.”

“Eamon, be a dear and refresh my memory.” Thea’s voice rang out in the hall, all the more striking for her earlier silence. The half-smile that graced her lips was predatory, and there was a hardness in her eyes that Nathaniel did not recognize. She also seemed to have no interest in granting the arl the courtesy of his title. “I realize it has been several years, but if I recall correctly there were multiple attempts to seize Queen Anora’s throne during the chaos following Ostagar. Now, obviously Rendon Howe had his fingers in quite a few pies, but I believe there was a second, more _intense_ attempt made by someone else. Now, who was it… who was it…”

Even from where he was sitting, Nathaniel could see the blood draining from Eamon’s face, and the man remained, perhaps wisely, silent. For her part, Thea seemed to be enjoying toying with him, as a cat might enjoy toying with a mouse. She pretended to think for a moment, then snapped her fingers. “Ah! Of course! That someone was _you_, Eamon.” The smile disappeared from her face as she stared down at him, her expression turning cold. “You blatantly attempted to seize control of the throne by manipulating your nephew, a boy whose understanding of foreign policy extended only so far as to their cheese imports, and who had zero interest of his own in usurping his rightful queen. So kindly explain to those of us seated here why Her Majesty should trust any member of your family with so much as a damn _thimble_, when it is painfully obvious this is yet another ploy on your part to claw your way back into relevance.”

Eamon took a breath, then slowly began to speak. “Ms. Trevelyan, I assure you-”

“I am not the one you need to assure, Eamon,” Thea spat. “You will need to convince your Queen, but I would be very much surprised if she found your nomination satisfactory.”

Anora reached over and placed a gentle hand on Thea’s arm, and Thea seemed to calm down a bit. “Thank you for your input, Ms. Trevelyan. I assume there have been other names put forward?” Thea passed over a sheet of paper, and Anora nodded. “Ah, yes. Thank you, Arl Guerrin, for your suggestion. I will take it into consideration along with the other candidates. Now, moving on…” She glanced at her agenda, then sighed. “Oh. Of course.” She looked up and ran her gaze over the crowd, and at her side, Thea stiffened noticeably. “I realize this is most likely going to result in the same answer as it has for the past several years, but is Nathaniel Howe in attendance to settle the disposition of his half of his father’s assets and estate?”

“I am, Your Majesty.”

A murmur ran through the crowd as Nathaniel stood, holding his head high and refusing to allow his father’s shame to break him. Anora seemed momentarily taken aback, and Thea’s expression was shifting rapidly from shock to anger, her eyes narrowing as she faced him and her lips drawing into a thin line. Once again, Anora placed a hand on Thea’s arm, but this time it seemed to have little effect on the other woman.

“Mr. Howe,” Anora nodded in his direction with a surprisingly kind smile. “Welcome back to Ferelden. We had half believed you had dropped off the face of the planet, given our difficulty tracking you down. I have the necessary paperwork for you to sign, so if you will stay after we have adjourned I will witness and countersign, and you can move forward from there.”

“Of course, Your Majesty.” Nathaniel bowed slightly, then re-took his seat. Thea was still staring at him, and he recognized all too easily the rage burning in her eyes. The rest of the meeting passed quickly, and when it concluded, his former friend quickly exited into the corridor. He could see that Anora still had to deal with a few stragglers, and so Nathaniel followed after her, just barely catching up to her as she stalked down the hall.

“You’ve become damn vicious in the past few years, haven’t you?”

Thea stopped in her tracks, then slowly turned to face him, her chin held high. Now that he was closer, he could see something else beneath the anger that sparked in her gaze: hurt. Deep, long-standing hurt, and he felt a swell of guilt rise up in his stomach.

“Turns out, if you get stabbed in the back enough times? You start keeping people in front of you.”

Nathaniel frowned. “You want to talk about stabbing people in the back, Thea? How about we talk about you and Cat turning my father over to the authorities without so much as warning Delilah or myself? You didn’t even give him a chance to pay the company back or make things right; you went straight for his throat. You always hated him, and you saw your chance to hurt him like he hurt you, and now look what’s happened.”

Thea stared at him in disbelief. “You really think your father got life imprisonment because of the embezzlement charges? For that matter, you really think _we_ were the ones who took it to the police? Are you that fucking dense?”

“What in the world are you talking about?” Nathaniel shot back. “What else…” He paused, his mind casting back to something Thea had said earlier… Another plot to steal Anora’s throne… “What happened while I was gone?”

“You want to know what fucking happened, Nathaniel?” Thea’s voice had dropped to almost a whisper, and she stepped close enough to him that he could practically feel the waves of anger radiating off of her. “What happened was, you fucking left. You decided that you had to go off and ‘find yourself’ or whatever bullshit you used to justify your decision, and you did so without a maker-damned word to me. I was supposed to be your best friend, and you just turned your back on me without so much as giving me a chance to say goodbye, or to offer you an alternative. You abandoned me, and I still have no idea why. I have no idea why you thought I wouldn’t have supported you, or stood up for you, or just been there for you like you were there for me.”

Thea shook her head slowly. “But you know what, Nate? I could have moved on from that. I could have lived with that betrayal, and I could have even tried to forgive you for it, if it had meant that you had run away with Cat. But you didn’t. You left her behind too. I have tried for the past nine years to do all sorts of mental gymnastics to figure out why you left behind the woman you loved more than life itself, and I have never come up with a good answer. You know why? Because there isn’t one. There is not a single good fucking reason why you needed to turn your back on Cat, and there is not a single good reason why you couldn’t have told her the truth, or at the very least, why you couldn’t have kept in touch with her after you left. Do you have any idea what it was like, living with her after that? Having to watch her face fall every time I brought in the mail and there was nothing for you, or every time she got a text or a call and it wasn’t you? It was torture, Nate. And what really, _really _pisses me off is that I know that, as painful as it was for me? It was infinitely worse for her. You broke her. And there was nothing I or anyone else could do to put her back together.”

Nate stared at her, but he seemed to have lost the ability to form words in the face of Thea’s anger. She took a step back, and if he didn’t know any better, he could have sworn there was the faintest sheen of tears in her eyes.

“You call me vicious, Nathaniel? You’re damn right I am,” she muttered. “I learned how to fucking survive, and I did it without you. I just pray Cat does, too.” And with that, she turned on her heel and walked away, leaving Nathaniel to stare after her in dumbstruck silence. Then, he felt a gentle touch on his shoulder. When he turned around, he found himself face to face with Queen Anora herself, who offered him a quiet smile and invited him into her private office with a nod of her head. He followed, uncertain what else to do.

“Please, Mr. Howe, have a seat.” She gestured to the chair in front of the desk. “May I get you anything? Tea, or coffee? Or, given you just had to face down an extremely irate Thea, perhaps something stronger?”

“No, thank you, Your Majesty,” Nathaniel replied, still somewhat in a daze. “I… I am not certain what just happened.”

Anora laughed quietly. “What just happened, Nathaniel, is that you found yourself on the receiving end of a tempest that has been brewing for almost nine years. Quite honestly, I am a bit surprised you are still standing after all that. Lesser people than you have left this palace in tears with their confidence in shreds after Thea has had at them, and what she unleashed on you today was worse than anything I’ve ever witnessed. Granted, you knew her before I did. Has she ever lost her temper this badly before?”

“I… No, I don’t think so,” Nathaniel shook his head. “How do you know about…”

“About your connection to Cat and Thea?” Anora filled in. “The three of us have become quite close in recent years, Thea and I in particular. She returned to the city shortly after… well, after my father ran back to Gwaren and refused to come back. Which is its own mess that I will not bore you with at the moment. In any case, Thea and I ran into each other at a few official functions and hit it off. She has become very dear to me, and has told me a great deal.”

Anora paused, studying him intently. “As I am sure you have gathered based on your reunion with Thea, you hurt her deeply. Worse than that, at least to her mind, is that you caused Cat an intense amount of pain. To be blunt, Nathaniel, she has not been the same ever since you left. Neither of them has, but of course Cat took your absence harder, given her feelings for you.”

“She… she actually had feelings for me, too?” Nathaniel felt his heart sink. All his life, he’d hoped, desperately, that Cataline felt the same way about him as he felt about her, but she had never said a word. But then, neither had he. He had also believed that his family and all the drama and toxicity therein would mean he would never be good enough for Cat. He wanted the best for her, and he very much doubted that could ever be him. Knowing that she there had been a chance, even a faint one, that he could have built a life with her…

Anora delicately hit the palm of her hand against her face. “Andraste’s sacred ass, you two were _actually_ that dense?” She asked, a trace of exasperation in the question. “I thought Thea was just exaggerating, or that Cat was downplaying the whole thing. She was, I imagine still is, head over heels in love with you, Nathaniel. In all the time I have known her, she has not had a single serious boyfriend. I do not think she has even been on a date in the past several years. ‘Too busy,’ she claims, but Thea and I both strongly suspect the answer it a bit more complicated than an unhealthy work/life balance.”

Nathaniel stared at Anora, letting her words sink in for a moment. “Your Majesty, if-”

She held up a hand. “Nathaniel, behind closed doors, please just call me Anora, or Nora. If it helps, think of it as simply one more way for me to place a barrier between you and your unfortunate excuse for a father. I am still optimistic that you and Cat will reconcile, at which point we will probably see a great deal more of each other. There is no reason we should not be on friendly terms.”

“And your odds that I’ll be able to convince Thea to forgive me?” Nathaniel asked drily, and Anora laughed.

“Give her some time to calm down,” she advised. “You know better than most how hot her temper runs. And maybe do not begin your next conversation with an insult. It might help.”

Nathaniel managed a small smile. “Thank you, Anora. But, if I may ask… I need to know what happened. All of it.”

“And I am willing to tell you,” Anora agreed. “However, you have to be prepared for the fact that this knowledge is not pleasant. There was a great deal of ugliness after the disaster at Ostagar, and much of it involved your father. Are you certain you want to hear the truth?”

“I have to, Anora,” Nathaniel replied quietly. “If I am going to make things right with anyone, I have to face this. Even if I do not want to.”

She gave a nod of satisfaction. “Good answer. Let’s see. I suppose we have to start back at the beginning, with the death of my husband at Ostagar. Cailan was a good, sweet man, but he had zero head for military strategy, and he relied a great deal on my father for it. The threat at Ostagar was unlike anything we had ever faced before, and my father’s knowledge, experience, and tactical brilliance was desperately needed. Then, for some reason I still do not understand, Cailan got it into his head that he needed to be on the frontlines with the troops. I was told later by his best friend, Elric, that it was for the sake of boosting the morale of the troops. It was foolish, of course, but I think my husband saw an opportunity to claim some glory in battle for himself, and he took it.”

Anora’s gaze fell to her hands, and Nathaniel felt a great deal of sympathy for her in that moment. It could not be easy for her to relive any of this, and he knew she was doing it solely for his benefit. Still, she managed to press on. “Father wanted to wait for reinforcements. Failing that, he told Cailan he should not risk his life on the frontlines. For the first time in his life, my husband flatly refused to take any of my father’s advice and, well,” she shrugged sadly, “You are aware of the results, I am sure.”

“For whatever it is worth, Anora, you have my sympathies.”

She gave him a small smile, then continued. “Things were a bit of a mess, after that. There were several attempts by other high-ranking families to seize my throne, including the one by Eamon and his nephew Thea tore him to pieces for earlier. My father, who only wanted to do what he believed was best for me, made some extremely questionable alliances in an attempt to keep me on the throne. It did not endear him to the other noble families, but the worst alliance he made was with _your_ father, Rendon. For all that he is a snake, Rendon has a good mind for politics, and he played all too well on my father’s fears. Rendon was already in a precarious position: he had been embezzling from Seawolf & Steed for years, and their most recent company-wide audit had finally caught it. It had not been linked to him yet, but it was only a matter of time.”

“And so he came to my father with a deal: grant him protection from prosecution by the Cousland and Trevelyan families, and he would use his own connections to bribe, blackmail, or beat them into supporting my claim for the throne. My father, backed into a corner himself by increasing calls for his removal, agreed. It was a bad move: first of all, Bryce, Eleanor, and Margot were all far more interested in keeping the matter quiet and internal and would have likely made every effort to settle things out of court in exchange for a repayment plan.”

“So,” Nathaniel cut in, “Cat and Thea had nothing to do with this going public? They were not the ones trying to drag our family through the mud.”

Anora bit her lower lip slightly. “No, not exactly. Cat knew it would inevitably end up affecting you, but I suspect if Thea had her way she would have had Rendon publicly tarred and feathered. But she deferred to her aunt and uncle. Honestly, if it had stopped at embezzlement, I doubt Rendon would have even been brought to trial. But things started unraveling for him. First, my father finally decided he’d had enough of life in the capital. We… agreed… that he would return to his teyrnir in Gwaren and his position there.” She looked away briefly, and Nathaniel could swear he saw a shadow of guilt pass over her eyes. “I admit that our relationship had become strained at that point, and I was frustrated that he was not allowing me to build my own support base and connections. I felt he was only making things worse and, in the end, he agreed.”

“So now Rendon was missing the one ally he was counting on, and the net was beginning to tighten once more. He made two crucial miscalculations: first, he arranged to have me ‘kidnapped.’ To what end, I am still not certain. Perhaps he hoped to play the hero and rescue me, thus earning a new protector, or perhaps he intended to murder me and try for the throne himself, I haven’t the slightest and, to be blunt, I do not much care.”

Nathaniel could feel a weight settling on his stomach. If his father was made enough to try and kidnap the queen, what else was he capable of? “Anora,” he pressed, “What was his second miscalculation?”

“He attempted to have Bryce and Eleanor Cousland assassinated.”

Anora’s words hung heavy in the air, and Nathaniel simply stared at her for what felt like an eternity. “He _what?_”

“He attempted to have Cat’s parents murdered in cold blood,” Anora replied flatly. “Had he succeeded, there would have been no doubt that his own life would have been forfeit, his only hope at that point being that the authorities caught him before Thea did, as she would have likely subjected him to any number of unpleasant experiences before she finally allowed him to die. As it was, Cat begged me to take the death penalty off the table, and ultimately I agreed as a favor to a friend. As it stands, your father will never see the light of day again: his sentence ensures there is zero possibility of an early release.”

Nathaniel let his head sink to the desk, and Anora reached out a hand to pat him gently on the shoulder. “I knew it was bad,” he muttered, “But I willfully ignored so much of the news coming out of Denerim; out of Ferelden. I just wanted to put that part of my life behind me and try to move on, but clearly, I only made things worse. It seems to be a habit of mine.”

“Hardly,” Anora protested with a kind smile. “We all have our blind spots. Ask my father about it, sometime, if I can persuade him to ever make an appearance again. I would greatly like him to, if for no other reason than I would like him to meet Thea. In any case,” she shrugged, “What’s done is done. Things settled down, for the most part, after the trial. I obviously managed to hold onto my throne, with a great deal of support from, ironically, the Cousland family. Eleanor and Bryce have always been staunch supporters of mine, and Thea and Cat advocated tirelessly on my behalf.”

She hesitated for a moment, then continued, looking him directly in the eye. “Nathaniel, _no one _blames you for what your father did. Not me, not the Couslands, not even Thea. I am not going to lie to you and say there is not a lot of anger and hurt to go around: you _did_ leave your best friend and the love of your life behind without a word, and that is not a good look for you, but the most important thing now is that you came back. I am not promising that things will go back to the way they were; I do not think they can. But I believe that if you are willing to make the effort, you could build something even better. You and Cat could see if there is not something still there, something that will be even more strong and beautiful for having been tested in fire.”

“Do you honestly think either of them is even speaking to me at this point?” He asked skeptically. “You saw what happened with Thea, and Cat... Well, you yourself pointed out I hurt her far more deeply. Besides, if Thea has already told her about what happened this afternoon, I am basically fucked.”

“She will not have,” Anora replied with confidence. “I know Thea: she will have gone straight home, very likely have broken a few dishes she does not care much about, and probably poured herself a very stiff drink. She may be angry, and she may have a temper, but she is incredibly careful when it comes to Cat. Thea is going to think long and hard about how she wants to handle your sudden reappearance before she breathes a word of it to her cousin. However, your presence at court today will not go unnoticed. I suggest that, if you want to get out in front of this, you go apologize to Thea _now_. Because if anyone is going to have a good insight as to how to approach Cat, it will be her. I will give you her address. Normally, I would not encroach upon her privacy, but I think she will forgive me the lapse this once.”  
  
“Thank you, Anora.” Nathaniel stood up and offered her his hand uncertainly, but she accepted with a small laugh, squeezing it firmly.

“You are most welcome, Nathaniel. As I said, I fully expect to be seeing a great deal more of you in the future, and I am not displeased by the prospect. I would be glad to someday consider you a friend.”

With that, Nathaniel turned and left the queen’s office, eventually finding his way back downstairs and out to the main parking area. He sat in his car for a long moment, trying to process everything he had just heard. It was futile, of course: he had the distinct feeling he was going to need more time and quite a few drinks before he was really able to wrap his head around it, but that would have to wait. For now, he had to find Thea. With luck, she would be the one to help him reunite with Cataline.

And this time, he would tell her how he felt.


	3. I Think I'm Losing Connection

One thing she would say for having to clean up after one of her tempers: it gave her time to think.

Thea swept up the last few shards of shattered ceramic and emptied the dust pan into the trash with a long sigh. She had fortunately learned long ago that she needed to have a stock of dishes on hand that she did not much care about, since apparently her favorite way of defusing her temper was to have something that was nice and breakable to throw about. Odd, given her intense dislike for loud noises, but since when was her temper rational? In any case, her good dishes were now stored safely up on high shelves that required a step stool or reckless climbing to reach, and were therefore relatively safe from the immediacy of her anger.

She made a mental note to pick up new dishes the next time she went to the store, then grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down at her kitchen table to think. Music was blaring from the speakers she had plugged her phone into, but the sound helped her keep focused. She needed the background noise to soak up the remaining dregs of pain, shock, and rage. Really, she should have known today would be a clusterfuck: they were out of her favorite coffee at her favorite coffee shop and she had been stopped by a train on the way to the office. Neither of which were good omens.

_What the fuck is he doing back in Denerim?_

Thea disliked being caught off guard: it was bad for her image. She had worked incredibly hard to make damn sure everyone in the capitol knew she was not just some airheaded heiress they could manipulate at will. Instead, she had earned a place at Anora’s side as an advisor, albeit still an informal one. Her friend had often suggested making the role official, but Thea liked her freedom. Besides, Nora needed at least one person at her side who would be honest with her. No less crucial was her role at Seawolf & Steed. It was common knowledge that control of the largest shipping and trading empire in southern Thedas would someday soon be passed to Cat and Thea. Equally well understood was that both women were highly intelligent, highly capable, and exceedingly qualified for the job. It was a reputation that had been hard earned, and Thea was not pleased that, for a moment today, her careful control had slipped.

She needed to speak with Nora. The other woman would have had more of a chance to speak to Nathaniel, since he was ostensibly there to sign paperwork releasing Rendon’s holdings. Maybe she would have answers for Thea, like why in the void he had chosen now to come back, and whether or not he intended to stay. Thea needed those answers, desperately, because without them she hadn’t the slightest idea what to do next, and she greatly disliked not knowing where she was going.

And maker save her, but she had to figure out what she was going to tell Cat.

That was the real question, wasn’t it? What in the void was she going to tell Cataline. Cat, who had nursed her feelings for Nathaniel for the better part of her life, even after he had up and abandoned her. Thea had been angry and, yes, hurt. Cat had been heartbroken, and Thea was fair certain that heartbreak had never healed. She had always understood why Nathaniel had felt the need to leave; the need to cut ties with his family completely and start fresh somewhere else. She had just never understood why he had cut ties with Cat, too.

It was a great, tangled mess, and Thea half wished she could simply pretend she had not seen Nathaniel at court, that she did not know he had come back to Denerim, and that she still had no idea where he was. But that was a lie too, wasn’t it? She had seen him in Ostwick. She could have said something three years ago. Maybe she should have, but it was too late now. One more secret to brand her soul, or what was left of it. She drained the rest of her beer, then stood and retrieved a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet, briefly considering a glass before shrugging and taking a shot straight from the bottle.

_What the void am I going to tell Cat?_

She sighed and sank back down into the kitchen chair, staring out her back doors to where the lawn sloped down to the beach, then the sea. Her mind cast back almost twenty years ago, to that first time she had sat on the beach at Highever and asked Nathaniel point blank if he liked Cat. The blush that had risen in his cheeks and the way he fumbled over his answer told her more than his actual words ever could, and in her own childish way she had been _so certain_ they were meant to be together. Over the next decade, she had become even more certain, and over that same decade, both Cat and Nate had shared with her their confidences, swearing her to a secrecy that Thea had rued with increasing bitterness in the years since Nathaniel had left.

“How can two incredibly intelligent people be so fucking clueless?” She muttered, taking another sip from the bottle. Was this what love did to people? If that was the case, she considered herself lucky to have largely sidestepped the entire process. For all her frustration with Cat and Nate, however…. She was even more furious with herself. She had never told Cat, of course, but Anora knew that Thea blamed herself. She blamed herself every damn day after Nathaniel left, because in her heart she knew that if she had just grown a spine herself, she would have broken every promise she ever made and just told them that they were both crazy for each other.

And for her cowardice, she had lost her best friend, and Cat had lost the love of her life. And it was all Thea’s fault. So now it was only fitting that it would be her responsibility to tell her favorite cousin, the woman who was her sister in all but blood, that Nathaniel was in town. And apparently, he blamed both of them for what happened with his father. With any luck, Nora would have straightened him out, but luck did not seem to be favoring Thea these days.

Out of nowhere, the steady beats of her music ended abruptly. Without missing a beat of her own the bottle was out of her hand, she had spun neatly around out of her chair and grabbed a knife out of the block on the counter, and she had turned to face her unexpected guest.

“Hey, Teddy Girl.”

With a mix of exasperation, relief, and continued wariness, Thea tossed the knife back on the counter. “Don’t ‘Teddy Girl’ me, asshole,” she muttered, retrieving the bottle of whiskey and taking a slow sip as she stared at Nathaniel who, to his credit, was at least smart enough to be standing out of arm’s reach for the moment. “You’ve got some balls on you, showing up here like this.”

“And I appreciate you letting me keep them,” he retorted dryly, glancing at the knife on the counter. Thea shrugged.

“I am a woman living alone in the country. Or is my ‘vicious’ nature supposed to scare off potential threats all on its own?”

He at least had the decency to wince slightly as she threw his own words back at him, and he sighed. “Thea, I’m sorry.”

She shook her head slowly. “You really think you can just show up after what you said this afternoon, no, after what you fucking did nine years ago, and that ‘sorry’ is going to fix it?”

Nate finally met her eyes, and Thea could not help but feel a twinge of sympathy when she saw the pain there. “I know it can’t, Thea, but I figured it was at least a place to start.”

Thea exhaled deeply, trying to focus her thoughts, wishing she could blame the whiskey for her current state of uncertainty. Finally, she rolled her eyes and offered him the bottle. He accepted it, taking a long drink before setting it on the counter. “I talked to Anora.”

“Yeah, she’s the only one brave enough to tell you where to find me,” Thea noted wryly, then pinched the bridge of her nose. “What do you want, Nathaniel? Why are you here?”

“I-” He hesitated, considering his answer. _Wise_, she thought to herself.

“I had to come back to deal with the mess my father made,” he finally said.

“So dredging up all the trauma and pain I went through, and that I am now going to have to put Cat through, was just a fun added bonus?”

Nathaniel shook his head vigorously. “That is why I _had_ to come back, Thea. Not why I wanted to come back. I did not realize it until this afternoon, until after I saw you and talked to Anora, but I _want_ to come back. I want my best friend back, and I want-” He stopped short again, but Thea had a fairly good idea of how he had intended to finish his sentence.

“I am not sure you have any right to ask that of her, Nathaniel,” Thea replied quietly, but she was surprised to hear the anger bleeding from her tone, which was irritating in itself. She wanted to still be angry; had been holding on to this anger for so many years, and if she let it go… what would be left?

“I know, Thea,” Nathaniel whispered, his gaze falling to the floor. “I also know I have no right to ask it of you, but please believe I was only doing what I thought I had to do. I thought you both would be better off without me; that maybe my father would finally back off if I was not there to get in the way of his precious youngest son. I wanted to be a better person, not just for Cat but for myself, and I thought that could only happen if I left. I missed you both, truly, but the longer I was away and the longer I went without reaching out… the harder it got to believe I still could.”

Thea reached for the bottle, took a slow sip, trying to gather her thoughts. Finally, she shook her head. “Nate,” she repeated quietly, “Why are you here?”

He lifted his eyes to look at her again, then, without a word, he held his arms open to her. Thea squeezed her eyes shut; took a deep breath. _Maker damn it_. Setting the whiskey back on the counter, she rolled her eyes but closed the distance between them and wrapped her own arms around his waist, letting her head fall against his chest and trying to keep the tears from falling. “I am still angry with you,” she grumbled, the sound muffled against his shirt. “And I know perfectly well you are only being nice to me because you are hoping I will put in a good word for you with Cataline.”

Nathaniel put his arms on her shoulders and held her out at arm’s length so she could see his face. “Teddy Girl, I missed _both_ of you. Yes, I- there has always been an ache in my heart for Cat, but I missed just _you_, too.”

“Good answer,” Thea retorted, but she could not help but smile a little. “You know I would have been even more pissed off if you _hadn’t_ missed her more, right? Like, you were my best friend, but she was clearly the love of your life.”

“‘Was’?” Nathaniel asked, frowning slightly, and Thea sighed.

“…are. You still are my best friend, Nathaniel. As for Cat? You already know the answer to that, if you talked to Nora. I cannot even begin to tell you how lucky you are you ran into me first: if you had been that cruel to Cataline she likely would have simply shattered, that is how much she has missed you and wanted you for the past nine years.”

“Has she… is she… um…”

Thea shook her head. “No. There were a couple casual boyfriends a few years after you left, but they never lasted beyond a few dates. There was always an excuse, of course: ‘not a good conversationalist.’ ‘A horrible kisser.’ ‘Mom and dad would hate him.’ ‘_You_ would hate him.’ I never argued, of course, because I was always secretly glad to see them go, but it was still hard to watch, knowing the entire time she was still in love with you.”

Nathaniel’s frown deepened. “You _knew_? You knew all those years, and you never once saw fit to tell me? Thea, I would have never left if I had known! I would have given _anything_ to be with Cat; to build a life with her. How could you not tell me?”

_And there it is_. Now it was Thea’s time to turn from her friend, her footsteps carrying her noiselessly away from the kitchen and into the hall, then up the stairs. To her surprise, Nathaniel followed her. When she got to her bedroom, she retrieved Teddy from his dedicated spot by her bedside, then sat down on the floor and drew her knees up to her chest, clutching the bear close to her. She heard Nathaniel exhale heavily, but then he sat down beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“Because I made a promise,” she whispered, the words breaking on the tears she could no longer hold back. “She made me swear I would never tell you, because she thought there was no chance you would ever feel that way about her. That you would ever see her as anything other than a good friend. You two were both so fucking blind. I tried, maker only knows I _tried_, to get you to understand that she loved you. But I never said the words, because I had made her a promise. And it was the same fucking promise I had made you, because I am an idiot, and I just wanted to do right by my best friend and my cousin.”

Thea sniffed, scrubbing tears away from her eyes as Nathaniel pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “And if you think you’re upset? Guess how fucking thrilled Cat is going to be when she finds out that I knew how _you_ felt about her, but didn’t tell her either? All because I made two stupid fucking promises that I should have broken a decade ago. Because if I had, it would have saved both of you years of heartbreak and loneliness. So go ahead and be angry with me; hate me if you want. Because I have spent a very long time hating myself already. I know this was all my fault.”

“Teddy Girl,” Nathaniel pulled her closer, and she let her head fall against his chest as she quietly sobbed. “I am not angry with you, not really. And this was not your fault. I should have never made you responsible for my feelings towards Cataline. I should have had the courage to tell her myself, because she meant, she _means_, everything to me. At the end of the day, I made the choice to run away from my problems. I think that is why I never told you: you would have tied me up and thrown me in a closet until I changed my mind.”

“Cat didn’t,” Thea pointed out softly. “She wanted to stop you, you know. That day you left. But she agreed with you: she thought you had to get out of Denerim and away from your family, get a clean start in the Marches.”

The words slipped out before she could stop herself, and she felt Nathaniel shift beside her. “Thea,” he asked slowly, “I did not tell anyone I ended up in the Marches. How the void did you know?”

She sighed, then stood up, her legs shaking slightly. Setting Teddy carefully on the bed, she wandered out of the bedroom and into her home office. Nathaniel stood in the doorway and watched as she dug around in one of her filing cabinets. “The answer is not nearly so interesting as you are probably making it,” she said, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice. She had always known this was going to come back to bite her someday. Finally, she found what she was looking for. She handed over the piece of paper to Nathaniel, who studied it for a long moment before looking back up at her.

“‘Master of Arts in History, University of Ostwick.’ You were there.”

Thea shrugged, collapsing into her desk chair and letting her head rest on her hand. “For a couple years, yeah.”

Nathaniel was silent for what felt like forever, before he finally spoke again. “You must have started right after I finished my MA program. Might be why we never ran into each other on campus. But… but you knew, didn’t you?”

“Not at first,” Thea whispered, her mind casting back three years, to that night in the bar. “You remember that dive bar down on Maita? The one with the cheap cocktails-”

“And the amazing potato skins,” Nathaniel filled in with a small smile. “Yeah. The Merry Salamander.”

“I still don’t get the name,” Thea admitted, but she managed a small smile as well. “Spent a void of a lot of time there, though. My last night in town, right before I was going to fly home to Ostwick, I went in for a drink. Actually, like, three drinks. They had the news on and… and none of it was good, Nate. I already knew what had happened, but seeing it on the screen kind of made it real in a way I had not had to reconcile myself with yet. Loghain Mac Tir was leaving the capitol, your father was on trial for a whole list of charges, Anora was fighting to keep her throne, and my aunt and uncle, the people who raised me, had almost been killed. On top of which, I was not certain I was ready to come home. To give up my freedom.”

“What do you mean?” Nathaniel’s brow furrowed as he handed her diploma back to her, and Thea tossed it unceremoniously back in the drawer.

“A story for another time,” she replied, shutting away her regret along with her degree. “But, that night, just as I was getting ready to leave, I saw you. At first, I told myself I’d had one too many of the drink specials. Natali always mixed them strong for me. Knew I could handle my liquor. But no: it was definitely you. You hadn’t changed a bit, you know?” Thea bit her lower lip, trying not to start crying all over again. She hated crying, and seemed to be doing entirely too much of it today.

“Teddy Girl,” Nathaniel knelt down beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. “Why didn’t you… I mean…”

“Good question,” Thea answered dryly. “At the time, I thought it was just because I was so angry. I did not want to make a scene. Later, though… later I think I realized that I _was_ so angry, but some part of me still did not want to hurt you; did not want to hurt the chances of you someday deciding to come home and being with Cat. I didn’t know if you’d heard about what had happened, though, obviously you hadn’t, and I didn’t want to make it worse. I had to go home, and part of me, angry as I was, still wanted to drag you with me. Drag you back to Cat and make everything right that I had made wrong.”

Nathaniel took her hand in his. “Thea, did you ever tell Cat?”

“Obviously not,” Thea muttered. “I- I thought I was doing what was best for her, to protect her. I was afraid that if she knew where you were it might re-open all the old wounds that had never really healed. I thought I was protecting her,” she repeated, then noted dryly, “There was a lot of that going around, at the time. Ask Nora about it.”

There was another long span of silence before Nathaniel stood up with a deep breath. “I think I need more of that whiskey.”

Thea gave a small snort, but followed him back down to the kitchen. “You want glasses, or are we going to continue being uncivilized heathens?”

“When were we anything _but_ uncivilized heathens?” Nathaniel shot back with a small grin, taking a drink straight from the bottle before his expression settled back into something more serious. “Thea, you deserve to know: Cat knew I was in the Marches.”

Thea nearly spit out the swallow she had just taken. “She _what_?”

Nathaniel rubbed his forehead briefly. “It was harder for me to leave her behind than I thought-”

“Understatement of the fucking age,” Thea interjected bitterly, and Nathaniel looked at her apologetically.

“I called her a few times, sent a few emails. I told her I was going to the university. We kept in touch sporadically for a full year after I left before it just got to be too painful. You were not the only one who made some really shitty choices in a misguided attempt to protect her.”

“So she knew.”

Nathaniel sighed. “Yeah, Thea. She knew.”

“Explains why she was so supportive when I wanted to take a year off from school to travel,” Thea deadpanned. “Gave you a little extra time before I showed up in the Marches.”

“I never asked her not to tell you, Thea, I promise,” Nathaniel offered, but Thea just shook her head.

“I know damn well why she didn’t tell me,” she growled. “She knew I was angry. She knew I had a temper, and,” she paused, then gave a small shrug. “She knew I had to fight my own battles.”

She did not move away when Nathaniel pulled her back into a fierce hug. “I am sorry I was not there, Thea. For either of you.”

Thea leaned back to study her best friend. “You’re here now, right?” When he nodded, she continued. “Are you planning on sticking around, or are you running back to the Marches? Were you serious about wanting to rebuild your life here?”

“Yes,” Nathaniel agreed quickly. “Do you think there is even a sliver of a chance that she might-”

“Take your sorry ass back? Void, I did,” Thea pointed out. “Granted, you got a bit of leniency from Teddy, but still. If I can forgive you, odds are good Cat will too.” She looked at her watch. There was not much time, but it could still work.

“I need to make a quick call.”

* * *

“Thank you for coming over on such short notice, Bryce.” Thea greeted her uncle with a warm hug. “I would not have asked you to show up early if it were not important.”

“Anything for you, Thea,” he replied. “Now, you said it was the backdoor that was sticking?”

“Umm…” Thea took a deep breath. “Not exactly.”

She followed him into the kitchen, then braced herself for what would come next. Her uncle froze dead in his tracks, staring at Nathaniel as the other man stood up slowly and offered a tentative smile.

“Hi, Bryce.”

Nobody said anything for what felt to Thea like an eternity. Then, after a few halting steps, Bryce strode over and wrapped Nathaniel in a tight embrace. She saw a look of shock pass over her best friend’s face, then relief as he accepted the gesture.

“It is about time,” Bryce said, holding Nathaniel out at arm’s length so he could get a good luck at him. “Andraste take me, I was beginning to worry you would never come home.” He glanced over at Thea. “And she hasn’t even damaged you too badly, from the looks of it.”

“Thank Teddy,” she said. “He is the one who insisted I give him a chance to explain himself before I started removing extremities.”

Bryce laughed. “Please convey my gratitude, then, and my promise that I will have a new summer suit made as thanks for keeping you from killing this poor boy.”

Thea rolled her eyes, but Nathaniel just shuffled slightly on his feet. “Teddy Girl got the worst of it, I’m afraid. She is the first person I saw when I came back, and- and I seem to have had a woefully incomplete understanding of what happened while I was gone. It seems I owe you a very long apology, Bryce.”

Bryce shook his head, clapping Nathaniel warmly on the shoulder. “No, Nate. Not me. It broke our hearts when you left, no one more so than Cat, but-” He stopped, looking towards his niece. “Uh oh.”

“Yeah,” Thea replied flatly. “Cat.”

Bryce ran a hand through his hair, considering, then glanced at his watch. “Damn. We only have about half an hour to figure out what we’re going to do. Thoughts?”

“What do you mean, half an hour?” Nathaniel asked, confusion written on his expression.

“Cat comes over here most nights for dinner,” Thea explained. “Since my aunt and uncle are in town, they will be as well. So we have about thirty minutes before they show up.”

“And Cat is a flight risk,” Bryce noted grimly. “Dealing with shock or heartache head-on has never been her strong suit, you know that. So if she just sees you here and we don’t have a plan to get her to stay put long enough to hear you out, she may just turn around and walk back out the front door.”

“I don’t know,” Nathaniel said slowly. “Maybe we shouldn’t just spring this on her like that. I want things to be ok with her, desperately, but- wait. Are you saying you knew too? Did literally everyone know that Cat and I were in love with each other _except_ for me and Cat?”

Bryce gave a slightly sheepish shrug. “Yeah, we wondered about that too. But love makes fools of the best of us, so…”

“Not important right now,” Thea interrupted. “Nate, go back to your hotel, grab your stuff. There is no reason you should keep staying there when you can just as easily stay in the guest house here. That way neither you nor your car will be here when Cat shows up. I’ll stall for time; tell them dinner is running late because Bryce was helping me fix my door. Once she is a little more settled and after she’s had a drink, she may be a little easier to keep at the dinner table.”

Nathaniel still seemed a bit stunned, but he grabbed his keys and moved towards the door, stopping briefly to look back at them.

“You really think this will work?”

“Of course,” Bryce reassured him. “Just don’t try and run off again, or Little Shadow here may actually hunt you down and start removing fingers.”

Thea saw the same look of remembrance pass over Nathaniel’s eyes that she was certain had passed over hers. It had been nine years since her uncle, or anyone, had called her by that nickname; the one Bryce had given her because she was constantly following Nathaniel around like a shadow. Her friend offered her one more small smile, then headed out. Thea exhaled slowly, then went to the fridge and offered her uncle a beer. He accepted, and she opened one of her own.

“So,” she asked, “Think we’re doing the right thing?”

“Hard to say, Thea,” he sighed, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “But you remember what I once told you? Love is never simple. I believe I also said that if that young man was not my son-in-law someday, I would eat my hat.”

Thea laughed.

“And here I was just starting to find some excellent hat-based recipes to try out.”


	4. Why Don't We Full On Pretend

Something was definitely up.

For one thing, Cat had not heard from Thea all day. She knew the other woman had been busy: first meetings at work and then court with Anora, but if nothing else Cat was used to getting a ‘what do you want for dinner’ text, followed in short order by a ‘how badly do you want me to cook tonight’ text. To not hear from her at all, not even to check in, was strange. So much so that Cat had actually called her mother to confirm dinner for the four of them was still on for that night. Eleanor had not heard anything to the contrary, but had mentioned that Bryce had gone over early for some reason or another.

Sure enough, her father’s car was parked in the drive when Cat arrived at Thea’s house in the country. Cat took a moment to sit back in the driver’s seat, looking up at the big picture windows and the subtly elegant lines of the home. She could understand why her cousin moved out here; could understand why Thea had made more than one attempt to convince _her_ to move out here, too. Part of her was tempted: her apartment in the city was nice, but she was lonely more often than she cared to admit. And the place still did not feel like home, even having lived there for several years. Void, there were still some boxes she had not yet unpacked simply because she had a difficult time seeing the living situation as permanent.

Their frequent evening dinners were a compromise of sorts. Both women needed the company, and the friendship. Furthermore, Cat knew Thea was the only one who really understood her life, and what she had left behind. Thea was the only one who knew exactly what Cat was missing.

Cat sighed. This line of thought was never particularly helpful, but it is one she found herself traveling down more and more of late. Her parents would never presume to suggest she needed to find a partner, but her mother had made a few half-hearted attempts to set her up with the sons of friends against the protests of her father. Bryce never seemed particularly eager for Cat to date, though of course he managed to hide it well, and he had never once said something negative about anyone she was seeing at the time. Cat had her theories as to why that may be, but of course she had never voiced them out loud.

Because that would mean talking about Nathaniel. And that was the one subject her heart just could not bear to revisit anymore than she already did.

Maker, she missed him. It had been nine years, and she still thought about him far more than she should. Cat had lost track of the number of times she had considered trying to find him. Last she knew he had been in the Free Marches, at the University of Ostwick, but that had been years ago. She had nearly had a heart attack when Thea had announced her intention to attend grad school at the exact same school, but Cat had reasoned that enough time had passed that her favorite cousin and the love of her life were unlikely to cross paths.

Of course, that also meant that every single time she visited Thea, she was constantly searching for a familiar face in a crowd of strangers. There was always a part of her hoping that she and Nathaniel would find each other and that, by some miracle, he would remember her after all this time; would still care about her, in some way. That maybe he had missed her like she had missed him. It was all wishful thinking, of course: there had been a time when Cat was almost convinced Nathaniel might have had feelings for her, right up until the day he left. It was why she had finally gathered the courage, with some less-than-subtle prodding from Thea, to tell him how she felt. It had simply been heartbreakingly bad timing that she had decided to do so the same day he had chosen to run away.

Cat had kept his leather jacket; the one he had given her the day he left. It hung in the back of her closet and, every so often, she would take it out and press the leather to her nose to breathe in the scent of him. Which inevitably led to tears, but she still found herself doing it, despite every sane part of her brain telling her it would only end in fresh heartbreak. At this point, Cat had more or less accepted that as her default. Every one of the handful of dates she had been on after he left resulted in her comparing the poor man to Nathaniel, which she knew was not fair to anyone. The last one, almost three years ago, had been the one where Cat had simply decided she was done with dating.

Thea had almost seemed relieved when Cat told her she was taking a break from relationships, though of course she said she would support Cat no matter what she decided to do. And Cat believed her, for the most part. Thea had eventually developed at least a cool civility to Cat’s boyfriends, but they both knew there was only one man she was ever going to consider good enough for her cousin. And, even though she would deny it vehemently and with a strong string of impressive swears, Cat knew Thea was still holding out some blind, illogical hope that Nathaniel would come home someday.

His leaving had hurt them both. Thea had sunk into a deep depression and the eating disorder she had been hiding oh so carefully finally flared up in grand fashion. Still, she had done her best to conceal it, and to temper her own rage so that she could be there for Cat. Thea had always stubbornly insisted that she did not give a single damn about Nathaniel anymore, but Cat knew better, and she knew the younger woman was only putting on a brave face because she was trying to give Cat the space to grieve.

No sane woman would have held onto a hopeless dream as long as she had, but Cat had never found anyone who made her feel the way Nathaniel had and she refused to settle simply because it was the ‘rational’ thing to do. She had built a life: she was a successful businesswoman who would soon be the co-CEO of one of the most powerful economic empires in southern Thedas, she had a loving family and loyal friends, and her health was good. Cataline Alexandria Cousland was damn proud of who she was and what she had accomplished. Yet she still could not let go of Nathaniel.

Shaking her head, she finally stepped out of the car just as her mother was pulling into the driveway. She returned the quiet smile Eleanor gave her, falling into step with her as the walked up the path. “So dad had to come rescue Thea, huh?”

“Something like that,” her mother replied with a delicate laugh. “Though best not put it in those terms when you see her. You know how she bristles at the idea of being ‘saved.’”

“True,” Cat giggled, opening the front door without knocking, as was her habit. “Of course, she is also the one who takes full advantage of the fact that people hate telling her ‘no.’ Especially dad.”

“You are not wrong,” Eleanor agreed. They walked into the kitchen, where Bryce and Thea were huddled over the kitchen counter whispering rapidly back and forth. They both looked up when Cat and Eleanor entered, their expressions slightly guilty. Eleanor raised an eyebrow in their direction.

“And just what sort of mischief are you two up to?” She asked with mock sternness. Bryce laughed and swept his wife into his arms to plant a kiss on her lips, but Cat kept her eyes on Thea, who seemed to be having more trouble than usual schooling her expression into something innocent.

_What the void has she done?_

“Eleanor, you wound me,” Thea protested, a small half-smile on her lips as she accepted a hug from her aunt. “I have not gotten into any particular trouble for at least two weeks.”

“Yes, and then you would be required to feel any particular sense of shame over it,” Eleanor added wryly. “How is the door?”

Thea blinked briefly in confusion before she replied, her words coming out a bit too quickly. “Oh! The door. All fixed!” Her tone was a little too bright, and Cat heard the hesitation there. “It was lucky you and Bryce were in town; I hate having to call someone all the way out here just to fix a door. I mean, I am not that far from town, obviously, and I know it’s their job and I’m paying for the extra mileage, but…” her words trailed off as she seemed to realize she was rambling, something Thea simply did not do. Cat and Eleanor both stared at her, and Bryce gave a small cough to break the tension.

“I certainly do not mind helping out,” he reassured Thea, shooting her a look that Thea seemed to read even though Cat could not. She watched her cousin give a small nod, then continue in a more measured tone.

“So, dinner is running just a bit late,” she announced, tossing her head in the direction of the stove where something delicious smelling was simmering. “Fixing the door took a bit longer than we thought, but it should not be too much longer. Can I get you two something to drink while we wait?”

Cat watched with increased wariness as Thea poured glasses of wine for her and Eleanor, then poured a glass of iced tea for herself. That was interesting: it meant she had already been drinking and was now re-hydrating. Why? What had pushed Thea enough that she had come straight home and needed a drink? Thea met her eyes briefly, then quickly turned her attention back to the stove.

_Something is _definitely_ going on_, Cat thought, peering at her cousin with a blend of curiosity and suspicion. If she was going to get any answers, however, she would need to be subtle. Otherwise, Thea would go on the defense and Cat would not get a damn thing out of her short of resorting to tears. “So, Thea. How did things go at court today?”

Thea snorted, and Cat could imagine her rolling her eyes even though she was not facing her. “Oh, the usual,” she shrugged. “Orzammar is still fighting tooth and nail over the number of diplomats or trade representatives they will allow in the city, but I think they have finally realized I am not interested in negotiating this further: they either let our people in for talks, or we will cut them off. They are also aware that our continued trade is tied intrinsically to Nora being permitted her own ambassadors there as well. There will be at least one more round of back and forths just to sooth Bhelen’s ego, but he won’t push me too far. He knows better. They lack the infrastructure, the knowledge, and the manpower to try and absorb the trade we handle for them.”

Cat could see the faint glow of pride in her mother’s face as she looked at Thea, and Cat could not help but feel it, too. Thea had not wanted to come back to take on the role she had always known she would, but she had excelled in it. While Cat handled the smiles and soft words and subtle manipulations, Thea was the cold fury that struck a chord of equal parts fear and respect in their business. Of course, anyone who really knew the two women knew it was not that simple. For all her outward calm, Cat could be fierce when it came to her family, and for all her ferocity, Thea could be the kindest, most loyal person in the world. There was a reason they were both close friends and confidants with Anora, and Thea in particular had become a powerful voice at the side of the throne.

“I heard Eamon was going to petition our dear Anora to appoint his wife to the position of Ambassador to Orlais,” Eleanor said, the question apparent in her words even if it was not explicitly stated.

Thea gave her aunt a small, satisfied smile. “He certainly tried, anyways,” she shrugged, a trace of glee in her otherwise calm response. “Stupid man. If he had half a brain he would have at least tried to show up on a day I was not in attendance. Not that it would change Nora’s answer one bit, but he could have saved himself the lecture I gave him.”

Bryce shook his head sadly. “Oh, Eamon… Another of the old guard, gone down a path that will inevitably lead to disappointment. First Loghain, then Rendon…”

“I hardly think you can lump Teyrn Mac Tir in with Rendon Howe and Eamon Guerrin. Nor is he ‘old,’ for the record,” Thea interjected, an unexpected heat in her tone that cause the others to look at her in surprise. Eleanor was the first to recover.

“I quite agree, Thea,” she noted, placing a comforting arm around Thea’s shoulders as the younger woman poked at the noodles in the strainer she had set in the sink. “Whatever Loghain’s mistakes, his intent was at least honorable. Anyways,” she deftly steered the subject back to the topic at hand, “I assume Anora will _not_ be granting Isolde the post?”

“Of course not,” Thea shrugged, her tone shifting back to its normal timbre. “At the moment, it is looking as though my recommendation is the front runner. Vivienne de Fer holds dual citizenship in both Orlais and Ferelden, and has an impeccable understanding of Orlesian politics and social structures. Besides that, while I do not necessarily always agree with her, I firmly believe she has our best interests at heart, and can navigate the labyrinth of Orlais with distinction and ease. As an added bonus, her own business dealings have her in frequent contact with Orlais, and she has no small number of friends in high places there. I think it is incredibly likely Nora will offer her the post, now that Lel is back in Ferelden full-time.”

Eleanor gave a small nod of approval. “Excellent work, Thea. Like you, I do not always agree with Madame de Fer, but I have an immense amount of respect for her, and I agree that I think she would be an ideal candidate for the position. So,” she settled neatly on a bar stool at the kitchen island, “Anything else of note?”

“No,” Thea replied quickly. Almost _too_ quickly, if Cat was any judge. “Not really,” she amended, once again evening out her tone, and Cat could have sworn Thea exchanged an ever so brief glance with Bryce. “Really, it was nothing Nora could not have handled on her own, but it is good for her to have moral support. I do not mind being there once a month to help handle business and to remind some of the more ambitious houses that there are those of us loyal to not just the crown, but to Nora herself.”

Cat sighed internally. The one silver lining to Nathaniel having run off was that he was not there when everything went down with his father. He had at least been spared the public trial and the media circus that had ensued. He had also been spared Thea’s rage, and her parents’ utter bewilderment and betrayal when they found out one of Bryce’s oldest friends had been so desperate to seize control of S&S that he had tried to have them killed. Of course, if he had stayed, he would have at least had someone there to support him through it.

She took a deep breath, re-centering herself. _There is no point in walking that road_, she reminded herself. Not for the first time, not for the hundredth. Instead, she went to the silverware drawer and began trailing after Thea as her cousin set plates down at the dining room table. Cat reached the final place setting, then paused, frowning slightly. She counted, then counted again. No, she was not crazy: Thea had set five places instead of four.

“Expecting someone?” She asked, but Thea refused to meet her eye.

“Hopefully,” she shrugged in response, but despite the casualness of her answer, Cat could hear some sort of underlying tension in the words. “An old friend may be coming over.”

“Oh?” Eleanor asked, even as Cat felt her chest tighten and her heart begin to race. _No. It can’t be. It just can’t. Thea would sooner murder Nathaniel rather than let him simply show up to dinner. It has to be someone else. It has to-_

“Hi, everyone.”

Cat froze, her trembling hand still hovering over the flatware she had just set neatly on the napkin. She took a breath, struggled to remember _how_ to breathe, then slowly turned around to face the voice she recognized all too easily; the voice that had been woven into her dreams for years beyond memory, and had been the last lingering link to the man she loved on those precious few phone calls she had received after he left.

“Andraste preserve us,” her mother whispered at her side, seemingly as shocked as Cataline herself was. There, standing in the doorway leading from the kitchen to the living room, stood Nathaniel Howe. Cat knew she was staring, but she could not help it: he looked so much like he had a decade ago, and yet somehow different. He still wore his hair the same way, which made her irrationally pleased. She had always loved it. The lankiness of his teenage years had filled out with lean muscle, though, and his silver grey eyes seemed to carry so much more than they had nine years ago. He carried himself with a confidence that had not been there before, although at the moment he looked as though his entire world was hanging on whatever she said next.

Unfortunately, Cat seemed to be utterly incapable of saying a damn thing. Somewhere through the haze of her own shock, she heard Thea clear her throat. “Ah, so… there may have been _one_ other thing that happened today.”

_This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. This is just yet another dream where he has come home. This isn’t real._

She was given a momentary reprieve when her mother finally recovered and stepped forward to wrap Nathaniel in a hug. He seemed almost surprised by the gesture, but accepted it with a small, nervous smile. “Do not think for one instant that you are off the hook, young man,” Eleanor informed him sternly as she took a step back, giving him an appraising glance. “You have a lot of explaining to do; however, for the moment I am simply overjoyed you have finally come home. I expect the reprimands can wait a bit.”

“Thank you, Eleanor,” Nathaniel laughed softly, the sound cutting through to Cat’s heart and sending an annoyingly pleasant tremor down her spine. “I suspect yours will involve less swearing and less yelling than the ones Thea gave me earlier, so consider me grateful.”

“And as for you two reprobates,” Eleanor turned a wry eye towards her husband and her niece, “You have some explaining to do of your own.”

“And I am sure I will have utterly satisfactory answers for you,” Thea replied smoothly, though Cat could see her hands were trembling slightly. “In the meantime, however, dinner is finally ready. Might I convince you to continue the interrogation at the dinner table?”

Cat still had not found her voice; still had no idea what to say to the man who was still watching her intently, hopefully, like she was the only one in the room. She had forgotten how that look had made her feel. Her heart was doing somersaults, and she could not decide if it was from nerves or anger or her own stupid optimism. Finding her seat at the table, she sat in dazed silence as Thea and Eleanor brought the food to the table. Nathaniel took the seat across from her, his eyes meeting hers and a smile flitting briefly over his features before his attention was drawn away by a question from Eleanor.

“So, Nate,” she began, her tone only slightly accusatory, “Exactly where have you been these past, what is it? Nine years?”

“In the Free Marches,” he responded promptly. “First at the University of Ostwick, doing my journalism grad work, then working for a travel magazine, mostly doing field work. I technically had a studio apartment in Ostwick, but I was almost never home. I traveled a great deal for work, so for the most part I have been living out of a suitcase for the past five years or so.”

Eleanor raised a brow in his direction. “The University of Ostwick?” Her eyes darted towards Thea, and Cat knew her mother was wondering the exact same thing she currently was. Thea simply shook her head.

“It is a big campus,” she shrugged. “Our paths never crossed at school. I think he must have finished the year before I did, anyways.”

“And you _never_ saw him?” Cat asked, finally finding a ghost of her voice along with a rising suspicion in her heart. “You never knew he was in Ostwick?”

Thea met her gaze straight on, her chin tilted ever so slightly in the familiar look of challenge and defiance. “Did you?”

Cat swallowed hard, then returned her attention to her plate, poking at the food with her fork without really seeing it. She had agonized over whether or not to tell Thea that she knew where Nathaniel had run off to. It had been heartbreaking watching her cousin alternate between rage and sullen indifference, and the utterly unhealthy ways in which the younger woman had dealt with her grief. Perhaps it would have been kinder to tell her, or perhaps Cat only thought that because she knew Thea would have personally dragged Nathaniel back to Denerim herself. Either way, Thea’s question answered her own: at some point, Thea had found out, and she had not said anything to Cat about knowing where Nathaniel was. Furthermore, she knew damn well that Cat had already known. This was simply her way of letting Cat know they were even.

“It is an easy city to lose oneself in,” Nathaniel interjected, “Especially in the university district, where the population is always in flux. Honestly, I would have been more surprised if our paths _had_ crossed. And then like I said: I was out of town for work so often, I was hardly ever in Ostwick.”

“So you became a writer?” Eleanor pressed, and Cat was oddly grateful to her mother for holding on to the thread of conversation, because at the moment Cat was not certain she could string together more than a dozen words at a time.

“Yes,” Nathaniel nodded. “I was the lead writer for _Travels of a Chantry Scholar_. I was published under my mother’s maiden name, ‘Bryland,’ instead of ‘Howe,’ so I avoided most of the fallout from my father’s… stupidity. It was a great job, but it was not sustainable long term. I miss having a home, and a life. Being on the road that much gets very lonely.” He looked directly at her when he said that, but Cat was still trying to find her footing and she simply turned her attention to the glass of wine she had been using as an anchor all evening. She took a long sip, then finally faced him, trying to mute the tremor in her voice.

“Why have you come back, Nate? And how long before you pack up and leave again?”

The table fell silent. Her parents and Thea suddenly seemed very interested in their plates, but Nathaniel was looking at her, uncertainty shadowing his gaze.

“Do you _want_ me to leave again, Cat?”

The hurt and disappointment in his question broke what small reservoir of resolve she had been desperately trying to hold, and she could feel the hot sting of tears in her eyes as she shook her head. “No, of course not, that is not-” She paused and took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. This was not how she had pictured this conversation at all. Funny how, in all her dreams and daydreams of Nathaniel coming home, they had always skipped straight to him accepting her confession of love and then taking her in his arms and kissing her deeply. Cat had always conveniently forgotten to account for all the other feelings that had been carefully locked away for the past nine years.

“You know, I never picked up anything for dessert,” Thea cut in, breaking the awkward stalemate. I think I am going to run to the ice cream shop up the street and pick something out. Cat, why don’t you put on a pot for some of your evening tea?”

Cat nodded mutely as her father stood up from the table as well. “I think I’ll join you, Thea. I’ve seen what happens when you try to balance too many pints in your arms, and we do not want a repeat of last Fereldan Independence Day.” He gave a pointed look to his wife, who was still seated at the table and watching Cat and Nathaniel intently. “Dear? Why don’t you come along too? You’re the pickiest of the five of us and I want to make sure we get something you’ll eat.”

“Oh, yes,” Eleanor agreed, standing up and taking her dishes to the sink. “I think that is probably for the best.” She returned long enough to press a kiss to Cat’s temple. “Good luck,” she whispered, then straightened and headed towards the door. Thea exchanged a look with Nathaniel that he seemed to understand, though Cat was still at a loss, before grabbing her keys and heading out after her aunt and uncle, leaving Cat and Nathaniel sitting across from each other in uncomfortable silence. Finally, he tentatively reached across the table and placed his hand gently over her own.

“Maker, Cat, I missed you.”

She made a choked noise that could not quite decide if it wanted to be a laugh or a sob, shaking her head in disbelief. “You ‘missed’ me? Nate, you left _nine years ago_. The last time I heard anything from you was eight years ago. And now you show up out of the blue, somehow convincing Thea not to murder you on sight which, you will really have to explain to me someday because last I knew she was ready to absolutely ream you for what you did, and after all this time you just expect to walk back into my life?”

He withdrew his hand with a sigh, and Cat resisted the urge to pull it back towards her; to cling to the touch of his skin against hers. “You’re right, Cat. Of course you are. I have no right to ask anything of you, let alone forgiveness.”

“You just… you disappeared, Nate,” she whispered, her voice trembling with unshed tears. “I understood why you needed to leave Denerim, but I had always thought we would still be in touch. I thought that someday, maybe, I could join you wherever you were and…” She let the sentence trail off unfinished, still not sure she was ready to tell him the truth, even though now it most likely was a moot point. “Nathaniel, I would have followed you anywhere,” she finally spoke, carefully wiping a tear away from her cheek. “But you did not even have the decency to tell me you didn’t want to hear from me again. Do you have any idea what that was like? Spending day after day hoping that there would be a phone call, or an email, or even just a damn text or postcard. You were just gone.”

“Cat, I am so sorry,” Nathaniel said, and the earnestness in his voice made her heart crack a little more. “I thought… I always thought you deserved better than having me around, and I thought that maybe if I disappeared, you could move on with your life. That you could find someone who deserved you and everything that you are. If I had realized… If I had just been a little less stupid…” He brushed his hair away from his face, and she felt her heart skip a bit even amidst all the pain. Slowly, her mind began to process what he was saying; the truth he must have been holding back all these years just as carefully as she had.

_Andraste take me… he loved me, too._

She sat there in stunned silence for a moment, trying to organize her thoughts and her feelings, but everything was such a dizzying maelstrom of confusion and anger and hope and desperate want that she could barely breathe. Cat could see the guilt and heartbreak in Nathaniel’s eyes, and she had to look away so that she could finish what she had to say. 

“I don’t know what to say, Nathaniel,” she finally admitted, her voice hoarse. “I missed you, too. I lost track of the number of times I thought about leaving everything behind and trying to find you. But the more time passed, the more I thought that _you_ had moved on: that you had built a life, and that you stopped communicating because there was no room in it for me. For all I knew, you had-” She swallowed hard, then spoke aloud the nightmare that had haunted her for years. “I thought you had fallen in love, maybe gotten married. That you had just forgotten about me.”

“Oh, Cat,” he murmured, reaching his hand across the table to cup her cheek, his thumb gently wiping away her tears. “I could never forget about you. And there was never _anyone_ else like you.”

She nodded slowly, then stood up, bracing herself against the table. Nathaniel stood as well, but seemed to be waiting for her cue. Cat took a deep breath, then said, “I need some time, Nathaniel. This is a lot for me to take in, just as I am sure this is a lot for you to handle. That being said?” She stepped closer, then arched onto her toes and brushed a whisper soft kiss against her cheek.

“I am glad you came home.”


	5. So I Followed a Feeling

Nathaniel watched from Thea’s front window as Cataline got into her car and drove away, taking no small part of his heart with her. Andraste’s blood, he had forgotten how damned easy it was to lose himself so utterly in her presence. She looked just as she had the day he had left, save for a deep, lingering ache in her violet eyes and a heartbreaking wariness in her tone when she spoke to him. Even so, she was still the single most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and after everything she had been through she had still retained her inherent kindness and sweet nature. Void, any other woman would have reacted… well, a lot more like Thea had, but probably with even sharper claws for having also had their heart broken. 

Not Cataline, though. She had always been the best of them. He adored Thea, of course: she was his best friend and closest confidant and he loved her like his own sister, but because of that she would also be the first to acknowledge that Cat would always come first in his heart. Would, in fact, be greatly displeased if she ever thought otherwise. Cat was a constant, calming, serene presence in all their lives. Always a voice of reason and compassion to balance his cynicism and Thea’s temper. Quietly brilliant, with a sense of humor that shone brightly because of her impeccable sense of timing: it was always a surprise.

It was Cat who had been the constant in all his dreams, both in sleep and in the light of day. She told him she had thought he had married, which had left him utterly bemused. How could she ever think anyone could even hold a candle to her? That he would ever be willing to settle for anything less than his Wildflower?

_Because you never told her, you idiot_, he thought wryly to himself. He fell onto the couch in the living room, slouching against the back and trying to sort his thoughts. Nathaniel was still not certain they had made the best decision, surprising Cat like that. Both Thea and Bryce seemed to firmly believe that, given any sort of warning, she might well have simply done her own vanishing act. In their defense, Cat had initially looked very much like she would have liked to have run when he walked into the room. Yet, after her initial look of shock and panic, there had been something else that had ever so briefly lit her eyes: joy.

Still, they had not parted on what could be considered glowing terms. He was not exactly sure what he had expected. He had hurt her, badly, and it was the sort of hurt that, though well-intentioned, was not easily forgiven. What was the saying? The road to the void was paved with good intentions. When she had said that she would have run away with him, it had nearly broken him, and he had once again cursed his own blindness. At the time, Nathaniel had been so certain that he had to leave, not only for his own sake but for hers. Selfish of him, in retrospect. He had not even given her a choice, instead making one for her.

He rubbed his forehead with a long exhale, briefly considering going back to the kitchen to retrieve the whiskey bottle Thea had stowed away earlier, when he heard the front door open, then the sound of sandals being kicked off with more ferocity than the poor shoes probably deserved. Thea padded softly into the living room and took one look at him sitting alone on the couch before she pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed.

“We should have stayed put.”

“No,” Nathaniel shook his head. “You would have only prolonged the inevitable. And at least this way you bought me some time with her. As much as I hated shocking her like that, I think you were right: she would have run if she had heard I was in town before I actually got a chance to see her.” His fingers drifted to his cheek, where not even twenty minutes before Cataline’s lips had brushed so gently against his skin. “At least I got to make the beginning of an apology. I am not sure I will ever be able to truly apologize, though. And I sincerely doubt I deserve her forgiveness.”

“Oh, Nate.” Thea looked at him, and her expression was kind, something he knew precious few people got to see. She bent down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Sit tight. I think we could both use a cup of hot cocoa.” She wandered into the kitchen and, for the next minutes, Nathaniel could hear the homey sounds of the kettle being set on and the drinks being prepared. When she had finished, Thea returned and handed him a mug of rich, warm chocolate, complete with a herd of cheerful mini marshmallows. She sat down and curled up next to him. Nathaniel wrapped an arm around her shoulders and sighed.

“Thank you for letting me crash here, Thea,” he said, “And for just… for just being here. It is nice to know I have not completely fucked everything up.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Thea gave a small, dry laugh. “Nate, if _I_ forgave you, Cat will get there too. Her hurt was deeper, but my anger was sharper.”

Despite doing his best to keep his emotions level, Nathaniel could feel a bright hope rising in his chest. “You really think so? I mean, I know I have no right to ask it of her. I have no right to ask _anything _of her, and I certainly do not expect her to, well, to still have feelings for me after all these years, especially after the absolutely absurd degree to which I was utterly oblivious about how she felt. I still feel like an idiot.”

“…I wish you wouldn’t,” Thea whispered, and Nathaniel could hear guilt and anxiety creeping back into her words. He hugged her closer, and she let her head fall against his shoulder.

“Thea, it was not your fault,” he reminded her gently. “I would never have asked you to break a promise to Cataline, and at the end of the day, it was still up to me to find the courage to tell her I loved her.”

“What do you mean, ‘loved,’? Thea poked his ribs. “You _still _love her, Nate. I would wager my life on it.”

He allowed himself a small chuckle. “Of course I do, Teddy Girl. I always will. There was never anyone that ever came remotely close to comparing with Cat. No one ever will.” His smile faded as he struggled to form his next question. “Thea? Are you certain Cataline is even… I mean, if she’s… I don’t want to…”

“She is not seeing anyone, Nate,” Thea reassured him again. She sat up straight and tucked her legs beneath her, sipping her cocoa thoughtfully. “It’s been, what, probably three years or so?”

“That long?” Nathaniel could not decide if he felt more relieved or guilty. He was selfishly glad Cat had apparently done as effective a job of moving on as he had, but at the same time he hated the idea of her being lonely all those years, simply because he had not been able to come to terms with his feelings in time to share them with her.

Thea shrugged. “Well I sure as the void was not throwing men at her,” she pointed out dryly. “Neither was Bryce. Eleanor gave up about two years ago? I mean, she dated a bit. I think her and Dairren were together for a little over a year, but of course it didn’t last. None of them lasted, Nate, because none of them were you.”

“I should never have left her,” he chided himself.

“Correct,” Thea raised an eyebrow in his direction. “You absolutely should not have left Cat, and you should have grown a spine and told her you loved her all those years ago. But I feel as though perhaps we are beyond dwelling on the past, at this point. You left. It sucked. You came back. Now, I think, we should discuss where you are going to go from here. Start looking forward, Nate.”

He could not help but smile a bit at her. Thea’s temper ran hot, but he was also incredibly fortunate in that she was very much still his best friend and still wanted to see him and Cataline together. Clearly, her mind was already plotting several steps ahead, mapping possibilities and probabilities and gauging the actions and reactions of all the players. But even as he watched her, Thea’s brow furrowed and she bit the corner of her lower lip as if internally debating with herself. “Something wrong, Teddy Girl?”

“No,” she replied slowly. “But I also realize that there is only so much I can do here. I have already probably overstepped just by having you here tonight without warning Cat. I do not know if you saw, but if looks could kill I would have been murdered several times over the course of dinner. She is not pleased with me, and I expect I am going to get an earful the next time I talk to her. Hopefully not, but I do not like my odds at the moment. I still think it was the right thing to do, but…” She shrugged. “Best we both give her a day to cool off, process, and regroup. For that matter,” Thea studied him intently, “How are _you_ coping with things? You have had a very exciting day.”

“A massive understatement,” Nathaniel groaned, letting his head fall back against the sofa. “I found out my father really is the villainous traitor the news made him out to be, I had a massive fight with my best friend followed by an emotionally charged reconciliation, and I came face to face with the love of my life for the first time since I left. I feel as though I have been put through a meat grinder, and I am increasingly grateful I don’t have to drive back to the hotel tonight because I am liable to crash at any moment.”

“And I can hardly blame you,” Thea agreed. “It is too late for me to be dragging you down to the Loft, and it should really air out tomorrow anyways. You can stay in the guest room upstairs tonight. I _probably_ won’t try to murder you in your sleep. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, of course, though if you plan on staying in Denerim you will most likely prefer something with a bit more space, and a bit farther away from my unique and sparkling personality.” The last bit was said with just the slightest tilt of her head, the gesture asking the question her words did not.

“I am not sure what my plans are,” he admitted. “When I finally decided to answer the summons, I was already at a bit of a crossroads. Writing for _Travels_ was great, and I really enjoyed it, but I was not exaggerating when I said it was mostly me constantly traveling, living out of a suitcase and not putting roots down anywhere. I think it worked at the time because it was easier than acknowledging that I was not settling down because I could not do it with Cat. I took a sabbatical when I left Ostwick. In theory, I could go back. Genitivi said he would hold the position open until I made a decision one way or another, and I trust his word.”

“And do you _want_ to go back?” Thea pressed.

Nathaniel thought for a moment. “Not really,” he finally admitted. “If everything here goes to the void and Cat never speaks to me again, it may become the more attractive option, if only because I cannot imagine trying to move back to the same city as her knowing she wants nothing to do with me. Actually, jumping into the Amaranthine Ocean would probably be a less painful choice.”

“And _I’m_ supposed to be the dramatic one,” Thea rolled her eyes. “For fuck’s sake, Nate, that woman is still head over heels in love with you. Come on,” she stood up and moved towards the kitchen and the back door. “I want to show you something.”

The sun had set outside and dusk was rapidly falling. Thea walked to the far side of her back porch to where it wrapped around the side of her house. When Nathaniel reached her side, she pointed to a vague area to the east, towards the woods.

“When my parents died last year and Margot split her inheritance with me, I had this place built. Actually, I bought the entire parcel of land. I wanted my damn space, but I also harbored the hope that someday, Cat would want a home of her own. Something permanent, rather than the apartment she _still _has not fully unpacked, even though it’s been five damn years.” She paused, still looking thoughtfully in the direction of the trees, their dark silhouettes creating a silent border between the land she had claimed as her own and that which she had not. “I never told her, but the east woods are hers. I deeded that half of the property to her, for when she finally decides she wants something permanent.”

Nathaniel looked down at Thea, frowning slightly. “What do you mean? ‘Something permanent?’”

She shrugged. “I mean exactly what I just said, Nate. Ever since you left, Cat has lived her life in flux. The only constants are her job and me. No long-term boyfriends, never settling in a home and instead moving from apartment to apartment… Everyone who does not know her as well as I do keeps asking when she is going to ‘find a nice guy and settle down.’ Which is a fucking infuriating question in its own right, but I already know the answer. She _refuses_ to settle for anything less than the love of her life, and she always knew it was you. Maybe it would have been logical or reasonable for her to move on, but when has love ever been reasonable?”

They leaned against the porch railing, and Thea’s attention drifted, as it always did, to the stars. “So, Nate,” she reached over and tucked her arm through his. “I will ask you again: what exactly do you plan on doing?”

Nathaniel exhaled slowly, then pressed a kiss to the top of Thea’s head. “Well, despite your better judgement you have decided to let me live, and you have even given me a roof over my head. So,” he took a deep breath, “I guess tomorrow I will submit my formal resignation to _Travels_ and start looking for work here. You happen to know of anyone who needs a writer or researcher? Void, I would even take a job running coffee if it means I can justify staying in Denerim for a while.”

Thea laughed brightly, leading the way as they walked back into the house. “Well, good news. I happen to know _exactly_ who to put you in touch with.”

Nathaniel smiled.

“Somehow, I am not surprised.”

* * *

When he made his way downstairs the next morning, he was slightly surprised to find Thea still at home, sipping coffee at the kitchen island. She nodded when he came into the room, then pointed to a cupboard where he was able to retrieve a mug. He knew better than to expect too many words out of her before she had finished her first cup, so he simply poured his own and they sat in companionable silence until she had gotten up and collected a second round. Only then did he ask, “Are you not going into the office today?”

She shook her head. “Since Bryce and Eleanor are in town they are holding meetings with the staff. I will be stuck in meetings all day tomorrow, and after the excitement of yesterday I decided to take the day off. That aside, there is still a very real possibility that Catkin is going to kill me on sight, so keeping my head low today seemed wise. Besides, today we are going to see about getting you a job.”

“I do not want you to have to put yourself out, Thea,” Nathaniel protested. “Honestly, I am just grateful for the place to stay.”

“Yes, well, I am not being entirely altruistic in either case,” Thea admitted with a small half-smile. “For one thing, you and I have a great deal to catch up on, and it will be easier with you close. Plus, it will be nice to have someone else to help me cook once in awhile. For another thing, the person I am going to introduce you to today as been whining about needing to fill his travel editor position for simply _ages_, and if I hand deliver the perfect candidate he is going to owe me. Which will amuse me to no end, so really,” she gave a delicate shrug, “I am being entirely selfish.”

Nathaniel just shook his head, but he was smiling. “You are not nearly as cynical and cranky as you like to believe you are, Teddy Girl. Well, since you suggested it, what can I make you for breakfast?”

This seemed to throw her off balance for a moment. “I- I am not really hungry. Thanks though. You are welcome to anything in the fridge or pantry, of course.”

“Thea,” he nudged her arm gently with his own.

“I’m ok, Nate,” she replied softly. “More or less. I have it mostly under control, really.”

“How long?” He asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

“High school,” she sighed. “Worse in university. Had a real bad episode when you left, and another relapse after a relationship ended badly in grad school, but being home helps. Cat keeps an eye on me, as does Nora. And, now, I’m sure, you.” She gave him a rare smile, then rolled her eyes. “If it will make you feel any better, I would not say no to some of that melon I have cut up in the fridge. Why don’t you grab that and I’ll make you some toast.”

They spent the rest of the morning taking care of various tasks and talking, mostly about Cataline. They opened up the windows in the Loft to let it start airing out, and Nathaniel was surprised to find it was bigger than he had expected: a kitchen, living room, and dining alcove on the first floor; then a bedroom, office, and full bath on the second floor which was, true to its name, a loft. Big picture windows looked out over the sea from the bedroom and kitchen, while those in the living room faced the sloping lawn back up to the main house. Thea helped Nate set up his laptop so he could email his former employer regarding his decision to stay in Denerim, and to make arrangements to have the rest of his things sent to Thea’s house.

Eventually, Thea placed her hands on her hips and surveyed their handiwork. They had unpacked the clothes and belongings Nathaniel brought with him. It wasn’t much at the moment, but given the limited space it was probably for the best. “I think we have earned a lunch break,” she announced. “Besides, we have an appointment to get to. I am going to run up to the main house to change into something that is not sweaty and dusty, then I’ll meet you at my car.”

The drive into town was pleasant, and Thea pulled into the parking lot of a non-descript hole-in-the-wall bar called The Hanged Man. It must have been relatively new; Nathaniel did not remember it from before he left. As they walked in it took his eyes a moment to adjust to the dimmer lighting inside, and when they did he took in the atmosphere. The place had clearly been lovingly designed to evoke the coziness and comfortable casualness of a dive, while still appearing clean and well cared for. Booths lined the back wall and one of the sides, while small tables and a few beat up sofas faced a small stage at the front. The dwarf behind the bar gave Thea a nod and a grin as she entered.

“Back office,” he informed her with a nod. “You want your usual, Teddy?”

“Please,” she replied, then tossed her head in Nathaniel’s direction. “And a menu for my erstwhile best friend, here.”

The dwarf chuckled, then offered him a hand. “Varric Tethras, Mr. Howe. Co-owner of this fine establishment and incorrigible storyteller. Welcome back to Denerim.”

“Thanks. But please, just call me Nate,” Nathaniel said, accepting the menu Varric handed him before trailing after Thea into the back office. To his surprise, Anora was already sitting there, sipping a glass of sparkling water. She stood up to embrace Thea as they entered, then did the same to Nathaniel.

“I am pleased to see you have made up,” Anora observed, returning to her seat with a small smile. “She may not have admitted it, but she has missed you dreadfully, you know. Perhaps now we will wear away at some of the more stubborn bits of cynicism.”

“Good luck with that,” Nathaniel laughed. “She has been like that as long as I have known her. Has she ever told you about the time she broke three of her fingers on her right hand but refused to believe she needed to go to the doctor?”

Thea rolled her eyes. “And perhaps we can save that discussion for another time? You ought to pity poor Nora, actually: she was the one who had to bear the brunt of my bitchiness.”

“Then you have my sympathies, and my thanks,” Nathaniel offered, and Anora simply gave a delicate laugh.

“She is not giving herself enough credit,” she pointed out. “Thea has been a steadfast friend and an invaluable advisor these past few years, and I love her dearly. As I believe I mentioned, she returned from Ostwick just after my father and I had our little falling out.”

“I could never replace your father,” Thea protested. “And, as _I_ have pointed out before, you are damned lucky you had a father who wanted to give you the world.” Nathaniel could swear he heard just a trace of bitterness in Thea’s tone. She was loved by Bryce and Eleanor, and she had considered them her parents for many years, but the abandonment by her own birth parents had left her scarred. “Many daughters are not so lucky. Even if,” she paused, smiling slightly, “He made an absolute clusterfuck of it.”

“I know,” Anora acknowledged, her tone softening. “Thea was the one who convinced me to begin speaking to him again, and I am grateful for it. I love my father, even after everything. I have been trying to convince him to come back to the capitol for ages. If nothing else, I would _very_ much like him to meet Thea.”

Nathaniel turned to his friend and was surprised to see the faintest blush of pink rising in her cheeks. “And I have told _you_, Nora, that I am very likely to horrify the poor man. He has been through enough.”

This simply made Anora laugh, and the color in Thea’s cheeks seemed to darken. “Funny, he said the same thing about himself when I told him I wanted you to meet him. Whereas I think the two of you would get along wonderfully.”

“Anyways,” Thea chimed in, seemingly desperate to change the subject now that her cheeks were undeniably flushed, “Alongside you and Cat, there is no one I trust more than Nora. But she is not who we are here to see; she and I simply have a standing lunch date I was disinclined to cancel. The person I _want_ you to meet should be here any-”

“-Minute. I believe that is my cue!”

A tall, dark haired Tevene man swept into the room, taking a seat next to Thea and flashing a dazzling smile to the rest of the room before his eyes lit on Nathaniel. “Ah, a new face!” He extended a hand, and Nathaniel took it uncertainly. “Dorian Pavus. And you are?”

“Your new editor and travel writer,” Thea replied smoothly. “You have been complaining about not having one for ages, and I told you I would keep an ear to the ground. Well, here you are: Nathaniel Howe, otherwise known as Nathaniel Bryland. Formerly the travel editor for _Travels of a Chantry Scholar_ in the Marches. I’m sure you’re familiar with his work.”

Dorian’s smile seemed to somehow brighten by several degrees. “You’re kidding? You’re _the_ Nathaniel Bryland? I am quite the fan of your work; really amazing stuff. That piece you did on the summer cultural festival in Rivain was remarkable. One of these days you and I are going to have to have a chat about how you managed to convince the seers to let you sit in on their rituals. And you, Ms. Trevelyan,” he shot Thea a mock glance of hurt, “Will of course explain why you did not tell me you had the perfect candidate in your back pocket this whole time?”

“Because, Dorian,” Thea explained with exaggerated patience, “Up until yesterday afternoon, I was not speaking to him.” Dorian seemed to accept this as nothing too terribly out of the ordinary, and she then turned to Nathaniel. “You may be familiar with _Thoughts on Thedas_?”

“Of course,” he replied quickly. “It is only the biggest publication in the south. Award winning, respected, and read more widely than any other print publication. I had no idea you knew the… editor?”

“Editor-in-chief, owner, publisher, and savior,” Dorian filled in with a flourish. “The thing was an absolute rag when I took it over, but as you have so astutely noticed, it has flourished under the proper care and guidance. And with you coming on as my second-in-command, I imagine we will reach even greater heights. You are going to take the job, yes?”

Nathaniel stared at the others, trying to allow his mind to catch up to the words Dorian was saying. His prospective employer was eyeing him with expectation, while Anora was giving him a small, understanding smile and Thea seemed to be exhibiting a surprising amount of patience. Finally, he gave a slow nod. “I- yes, of course, Mr. Pavus. I will, of course, need to review the employment contract, but-”

“Oh, you can name your price,” Dorian waved a hand airily. “Your work is worth it. Schedule flexibility, naturally, and you will have the option to work from home most of the time, which I know writers appreciate. Full benefits, of course. But yes, I will have the paperwork faxed over to Thea’s office and I am sure she will get it to you. And please, just call me ‘Dorian.’ ‘Mr. Pavus’ is far too reminiscent of my father, and I would rather create as much distance there as possible.”

“I can empathize,” Nathaniel remarked wryly, and Dorian gave a nod of understanding. “In any case, it would be an honor to join your team, Dorian. When can I start?”

“That’s the spirit!” Dorian clapped him on the back as he stood up. “Let’s say… two weeks? That should give you time to finish getting settled in, and to get your contract signed and over to me. Now, I wish I could stay and chat, but I am afraid I have another appointment that I simply cannot miss.” He bent down and dropped a kiss to Thea’s cheek and gave a slight bow to Anora, then swept out of the room, leaving Nathaniel to sit and try to puzzle out what exactly had just happened. Fortunately, at that moment Varric brought in their lunch and their drinks, and they were all momentarily distracted by the food.

“See?” Thea gave a knowing half-smile. “I told you I knew someone who would be interested in hiring you. Dorian owes me big time for this: you are far and away the ideal candidate for the job, and you will be absolutely amazing for them. And Dorian is a great boss. I think you will be really happy there.”

Nathaniel finally managed to find his voice. “Thank you, Thea. I appreciate it, though I am still a bit in awe that you are willing to help me at all.”

She shrugged. “You’re my best friend. A best friend who, coincidentally, owes me like, seven years worth of birthday drinks, but still. Besides, anything I can do to keep you in town and in Cat’s orbit is the absolute least I can do.”

“Speaking of,” Anora said, “How did it go?”

He sighed. “About as well as you might expect. Better than I had hoped, though. Far better than I deserved.”

“Well, she did not cause you grievous bodily harm, so at least that is a start,” Anora pointed out, flashing a brief smile in Thea’s direction, who simply raised her brows and shut her eyes as if she were offended by the very idea. Which of course did not fool Anora in the slightest, who gave a small laugh before continuing. “Cat will come around, Nate. She has missed you dreadfully, but she has a lot of heartache to work through. It is for the best you found our Thea, first: one great burst of temper and rage, and she is able to move on, assuming she believes your remorse is genuine. And now you have allies in your corner who will help her heal and help you rebuild.”

“Thank you, Nora,” Nathaniel replied gratefully. He still could not believe he was fortunate enough to have people still on his side, after everything, let alone two women such as Thea and Anora. Even more so, he was damned glad they were not working against him, because in that case he would not stand a chance. “I appreciate it, truly, especially given that you have more reason than most to distrust me.”

“Nate, you are _not your father_,” she reminded him gently, reaching out and patting his hand before standing up and smoothing out her dress. “In any case, I’m afraid I must leave as well. Thea, you will be at court tomorrow, yes? I am meeting with the Orlesian ambassador and I could use someone to sit at my side and terrify them.”

“Of course,” Thea laughed, standing to gather her own things and hugging Anora. “It is what I do best.”

“Hardly,” Anora snorted, “But it is certainly useful. You know, that used to be my father’s job when he was still at court.” She said this last bit with a pointed look at Thea, and Nathaniel had to suppress a grin when he once again saw color rising in her cheeks.

“Yes, well,” Thea muttered. “In any case, yes, I will be there tomorrow.”

“Perfect. Nate, if you need anything, you know where to find me.” Anora gave them a final wave, then slipped out the back where her bodyguards were waiting. Nathaniel helped Thea gather up the dishes, dropped them off in the kitchen, then made their own way back out to her car. Nathaniel settled back in his seat, then turned down the radio and glanced at Thea.

“So. Are we going to discuss why you blushed every time Anora spoke about her father?”

Thea kept her eyes on the road, but even as she replied Nathaniel could see a faint dusting of pink blooming on her face. “I have no idea what you are talking about,” she replied evenly.

“No, of course not,” he chuckled. “Andraste’s blood, you _like_ him!”

“I don’t _know_ him,” Thea corrected. “Nora was telling the truth: he left just before I came back. I do not remember our paths ever crossing before then.” She sighed. “I find him very attractive, yes,” she admitted. “Incredibly so. And yes, based on what I know of him from Nora and his history as a general and advisor to Maric and Nora, I like him.”

“Anora seems very intent on the two of you meeting,” Nathaniel pointed out. “Is she trying to… I don’t know… set you up?”

This earned him a particularly vigorous eye roll, and he resisted the urge to laugh. “Anora is one of the smartest people I know and, despite everything, she loves her father. Which is why I am not at all certain why she wants him to have to deal with me. And besides,” she hesitated, then continued, “It may be easier to live with the dream than to meet him and have him hate me. I am not the easiest person to live with, Nate. You know that.”

“Thea, you are brilliant, witty, gorgeous, and kinder than you give yourself credit for,” Nathaniel informed her. “And any person would be lucky to have you. Now, finding someone I think is good enough for you is another story entirely, but,” he shrugged, “Maybe Anora has a point?”

“How about we focus on fixing _your_ love life before we start poking at mine, shall we?” Thea suggested, and Nathaniel decided to let the matter drop for the moment.

“Fair enough,” he agreed. “To that end, what do you think I should do now?”

Thea sighed heavily.

“I think I need to go have a chat with my cousin. Then you will probably need to head to the morgue to identify my remains.”


	6. An Endless Direction

Her footfalls hit a steady rhythm against the treadmill, matching the intense beat of the music currently pulsing in her earbuds. Cat probably should have quit twenty minutes ago, but she still had a lot of frustration to work through, and this gave her time to think rationally. It was difficult to panic or give in to anger when so much of her physical energy was otherwise focused. Ironic, maybe, that she was pouring so much of herself into running in place when really, she was simply running away from her feelings.

And Maker damn her, but there were a lot of them.

Cat wished she had been able to steady herself better; to at least ask any of the multitude of questions she had wanted to, of either Thea or Nathaniel. For one thing, why in the world had he gone to her first? Why hadn’t he come to her? Thea was his best friend, or had been when he left, but she had thought, or maybe simply hoped, that he had seen her as something more. After all, she was the only one he had kept in touch with for those first few fleeting months after he had disappeared. She was the only one he trusted with the knowledge that he had settled in Ostwick, to attend university there.

Which reminded her: she wondered when exactly Thea had figured out she and Nathaniel were in the same city. For that matter, she wondered why Thea had never mentioned that she knew. If Cat had to guess, and knowing Thea as well as she did she could make a pretty damn good guess, Thea had not directly spoken with Nathaniel. If she had, the resulting row would have undoubtedly made it through the gossip mill back to Ferelden and, by extension, to her. There was, in fact, no small chance that Anora would have had to pull some strings to avoid a diplomatic incident.

As for why she had not told Cat… well, that was yet another on the long list of questions she needed answered. Whatever Thea’s reason, Cat had no doubt it had been made with her feelings in mind. The two women had been raised as sisters rather than the cousins they were by blood, and there was no one in the world Cat trusted more. For her part, Thea was fiercely protective of Cat, even when Cat did not necessarily need the protection, and if she had remained silent about her knowledge of Nathaniel’s whereabouts, it was because she believed she was doing what was best to protect her cousin.

Either way, that meant they had both been keeping a secret. For only a few years, in Thea’s case, but apparently the other woman had been keeping a much bigger secret for far longer. In retrospect, there were clues. Thousands of them. Millions. At the time, Cat had simply written it off as Thea trying to help Cat get Nathaniel to notice her. All the times her cousin had begged her to tell him how she felt; to just talk to him, it was always because she knew Nathaniel had feelings for Cat, too. Whether Nathaniel had told her directly, or whether Thea had just relied on her inherent ability to read and understand other people, she had known. Cat strongly suspected it was some combination of the two: she had no doubt that if Nathaniel would have confided in anyone, it would have been Thea.

She pressed a button, and the speed on the treadmill increased, her feet flying along the runner as she tried to push away the thoughts she did not want to deal with. Had she made the right decision, leaving him there? It had taken every ounce of her willpower and no small amount of heartache to walk out Thea’s front door, leaving Nathaniel to watch her from the living room window as she got in her car and drove away. Not so terribly unlike the day _he_ had done the same thing to her, only this time she was not going to simply disappear off the face of the planet for nine years. The question now, was…

What had they lost in those years? And could it be found again?

* * *

_22 Drakonis, 9:20 Dragon_

_“These are for you.”_

_Nathaniel held the small bouquet of wildflowers out, uncertainty and endearing hope in his eyes. Maker, she loved his eyes; had recently spent more time than she would admit to daydreaming about that gaze on her. When her, her mother, and Lilah had finished wrapping Thea’s presents for tomorrow, Cat had made up some excuse about looking for Thea to wander outside, but she knew she was not fooling anyone: they all knew she was looking for Nathaniel._

_She accepted the flowers, taking a delicate sniff before offering Nathaniel a bright smile which, to her surprise, he returned. She loved seeing him smile, all the more so for its rarity. “Thank you,” she said softly, hoping the color she felt rising in her cheeks was not as obvious as she feared it must be. “They’re beautiful. I love wildflowers.”_

_“Oh!” He said, shuffling slightly on his feet as his smile widened a bit. “I’m glad. I mean… I thought… Um… Would you like to take a walk? I’m not really ready to go back up to the house, yet.”_

_She nodded, falling into step beside him and trying to ignore the fact her heart was racing. They had never spent much alone together, and Cat was beyond thrilled for the chance. Part of her felt slightly guilty, knowing that she really ought to have been looking for her cousin and making sure the younger girl had not gotten into more mischief, but she could not bring herself to leave Nathaniel’s side._

_“I ought to be thanking _you_,” she pointed out. “You did not have to lie for Thea like that. It was very sweet of you, especially given…”_

_“Given that there was a very good chance my dad would make my life miserable if your parents weren’t there to buy my story?” He sighed, and Cat felt a swell of pity in her heart._

_“Well… yes,” she admitted. “Why _did_ you cover for her?”_

_Nathaniel shrugged. “She’s a good kid. Weird, but good.”_

_Cat laughed, and Nathaniel offered her another tentative smile. “She is certainly interesting,” she agreed. “But I love her dearly, and she was only trying to protect me.”_

_“She shouldn’t have had to,” Nathaniel muttered. “I should have never let Tommy put you in that position in the first place. _I _should have been the one-”_

_He didn’t finish his sentence, but he didn’t have to: she knew what he had been about to say. ‘I should have been the one protecting you.’ Cat hesitated a moment, then reached over and took his hand, and was infinitely gratified when he accepted the gesture. “It wasn’t your fault, Nate,” she reassured him, squeezing his hand gently. _

_“I know how awful he’s been to you lately,” he argued. “I should have been watching him. Then you would not have been hurt, and Thea would not have been in trouble in the first place, and-”_

_“Thea would have found some way to get in trouble one way or another,” Cat interrupted dryly. “You’ve seen how she is: your dad and your brother seem to bring out the worst in her. She’s lucky my mom and dad tend to turn a blind eye towards it. As far as Tommy? It could have been worse.” _Much worse_, she thought to herself grimly, but did not speak the thought aloud. _

_Nathaniel paused, then turned to face her, his grey eyes so heartbreakingly earnest she thought her heart my leap out of her chest. “Cat, I promise, I will never let him hurt you again. I don’t want to let anyone hurt you.” _

_Cat was left speechless for a moment, then she smiled. “Thank you, Nate. I will feel better knowing I have someone like you to protect me when I need it.”_

_He laughed, and to Cat it was one of the most beautiful sounds in the world._

_“Assuming Thea doesn’t beat me to it.”_

* * *

She had fallen in love with him that day. She had fallen in love with him the moment he had lied to protect Thea, and his eyes had involuntarily flitted towards her. In that instant, Cat knew that he was not only putting himself on the line to protect a little girl who had only been defending her cousin from a bully: he was doing it because he knew it would please her. Their own friendship had only deepened from that point forward, and as he quickly became Thea’s best friend her parents invited him to stay at Highever more and more frequently. They had adored Nathaniel even while they harbored a private distaste for Thomas, and his being close to both Cat and Thea made for an easy excuse to get him away from his miserable home life in Amaranthine.

Cat could not help but roll her eyes as she gradually reduced the speed on the treadmill. She wondered how long her father had known about Nathaniel’s return. He had been as bad as Thea, or very nearly: none of her boyfriends had ever received more than a polite reception from her father. Granted, he had always been carefully polite, but always distant. No other man had been welcomed into the family with open arms and enthusiasm like Nathaniel had, and Cat had always harbored both the secret suspicion and the resigned acceptance that neither Thea nor her father would ever approve of anyone else she introduced them to.

Which might have chafed at her more had she not privately agreed with them. She had spent a long time trying to pretend; trying to convince herself that if she just forced herself to move on, to try to be happy with someone else, then the rest would just fall into place. It never had, of course. So she had eventually given up, and accepted that she would simply be someone who lived a happy, fulfilling life on her own without a partner. Really, she was luckier than most: she had a wonderful family, a fantastic job, good friends…

She just did not have the love of her life. One could not expect to have everything, she supposed.

But now he was back in Denerim, and had somehow, miraculously, convinced Thea to let him back into her life. So what did it all mean? Was he just visiting, or did he plan on moving back here permanently? He said he had missed her… did that mean there was a possibility, even a remote chance, that he might still have feelings for her? That maybe he had waited for her, too? She wondered if he had asked about her before showing up at Thea’s house, and if she had been on his mind quite as much as he had been on hers for all the years he had been away.

Cat shook her head violently, sending her ginger braid flying over her shoulder. This was not a particularly useful line of thinking. Wondering would do her no good whatsoever: she either needed to talk to Thea, talk to Nathaniel, or spend the rest of her life hiding from the possibility of heartbreak. In some ways, having Nathaniel just walk out of her life had been easier than the alternative.

Rejection.

Cat finally slowed the treadmill to a crawl, then a stop, leaning heavily against the front and catching her breath. She took a long drink from her water bottle, then turned off her music app on her cell phone and took her earbuds out.

“We need to talk.”

She let her head fall back briefly and her eyes shut as she exhaled a long sigh. When she opened her eyes and turned around, she found Thea standing in her living room, her copy of Cat’s apartment key still in her hand and a deceptively calm expression on her face. Cat knew better. Thea had her tells: a minor tremor in her hands when she was in high anxiety mode, especially when she hadn’t been eating, and a slight spark in the eyes that meant she was bracing for a fight.

“Oh? You’ve decided that _now_ we need to talk? Not before you blindsided me by having Nathaniel show up at your dinner table out of the blue?”

Thea winced faintly, but she held her ground, and her chin tilted higher in a show of defiance. “Cat, if I had told you he was coming, you would not have. I had to take a calculated risk, and I maintain that I made the correct choice.”

“Yes,” Cat replied, resentment coloring her tone, “By taking away mine.”

“Catkin, you know I would never intentionally hurt you,” Thea said, taking a step closer but still stopping well short of Cat. She had lost some of her courage, it seemed, and her next words were uncertain. “I was not sure… it has been a long time. I know you still have feelings for him, but I was not sure if you would be ready to acknowledge them, or if they would even still be the same after all these years.” She shrugged. “In retrospect, maybe it was not such a good idea. But we were just so afraid you would run rather than talking to him; rather than finally admitting the truth you both need to hear.”

Cat gave a snort of derision. “If you were oh so concerned about us learning the truth, perhaps you should have seen fit to have told me that Nathaniel had feelings for _me_ all those years ago. How could you live with me all those years, listening to my hopes and dreams and secrets, and never show me the kindness of just _telling_ me he cared for me, too?”

This seemed to give Thea pause, and she was silent for a long time before she finally answered, and even then her words came out as almost a whisper but rose in volume as they spilled from her mouth. “I promised, Cat. I promised him I wouldn’t breathe a word of it to you, just like I promised you I would never tell _him_ how you felt. You think he is exactly thrilled about that, either? He was my best friend, near enough my brother as you were my sister, and I was keeping a secret from both of you, and I fucking hated it.”

“That was your choice, Thea!” Cat shot back. “You _chose_ to keep those secrets, even after you knew how we both felt!”

“You think that was easy for me?” Thea glared at her, all uncertainty gone and replaced by frustration and grief and loss they had both been living with this entire time. “It was the damn void trying to balance those scales! I was young, damn it. I was _trying_. For all my books and all my cleverness I had no fucking clue how to help you two. I had no idea how to convince you to admit you loved each other. And you know what? That was not my maker damned responsibility. Either one of you could have grown a spine and just talked to each other like adults, but no. You put this all on me and somehow expected things to just turn out right. Me, who still has never managed to even get my own love life in order. I tried, so hard, to make you both see. Do you know how many fights Nate and I got in because I never liked any of his girlfriends? But it was easier for him to get mad at me and my ‘crazy’ than it was to let you hurt. And how many nights did we stay up late, whispering in your room as I tried desperately to convince you that he was worth taking a risk for? And then he left, and…”

A quaver had risen in Thea’s voice, and she was wringing her hands at her waist, but she did not seem to be done. Cat realized she was not the only one who had been holding on to things for far too long. “And I know it was worse for you, Cat. I know it was so much worse for you, but he hurt me too. I loved him in my own way, and I did not want him to leave, and if I could have I would have stopped him. I would have done anything to convince him to stay.”

“You could have fucking told me the truth! You could have told either of us the truth, and he never would have left!”

They were both shouting now, which Cat hated. She almost never fought with Thea, but she was hurt and confused and, yes, angry. Even still, she was not prepared for the intense shadow of hurt that passed over her cousin’s face, nor for what Thea said next.

“I know it was my own damn fault, Cataline,” Thea spat bitterly. “I have known this entire fucking time that I could have prevented this; prevented all of it, if I had just broken two stupid fucking promises I never should have made.”

There were tears streaming down Thea’s cheeks now, and Cat’s anger was slowing draining away in favor of concern for the other woman, but Thea just threw up her hands in frustration. “Hate me if you have to, Cat,” she said, “But please try to find a way to talk to him again. Go to my house, to the Loft. You don’t even have to see me again if you don’t want to, but he loves you, desperately, and I know you love him just as fiercely. You belong together, and you finally have a second chance to build a life together. Don’t let the fact that I was an idiot ruin what could be the best thing in your life.” With that, she turned on her heel to leave. Cat closed her eyes, bracing for the slamming of the door, but it never came.

When she opened them, Thea was just gone.

* * *

When she walked in the front door of her parents’ Denerim house that evening, her mother greeted Cat with a sympathetic smile and a warm hug. “Oh, Catkin,” she sighed softly. “I thought we might be seeing you tonight. Come on in.”

Eleanor ushered Cat into the dining room where, sure enough, a third place setting was already laid out. Bryce looked up from his phone and gave her a slightly sheepish smile as he set aside his glasses. “So… how much trouble am _I _in right about now?”

“That depends,” Cat replied flatly, “On how long you knew Nathaniel Howe was back in town before I did.”

Her father sighed. “About half an hour? Give or take a few minutes. Thea was not exactly forthcoming with me, either, when she asked me to come over early.”

“Because of course she roped you into this scheme,” Cat pinched the bridge of her nose. “You two may very well be the worst, you know that, right?”

Bryce gave a guilty shrug. “I am sorry, Cat. Truly, I am. Thea was in a rare panic, trying to decide how to tell you. Of course, I cannot blame her for wanting to move quickly: the gossip mill is already in full force with the news that the prodigal Howe son has come back to Denerim. You would have found out very shortly, even if we had not told you, and we were not certain how you would react.”

Cat sat down at the table and accepted the bowl of rich, creamy chicken soup her mother placed in front of her. She picked up a piece of bread, tearing at it absently as she tried to organize her thoughts. To be honest, she was not certain she _wouldn’t_ have tried to run away, had she heard about Nathaniel’s return before she actually saw him. But since she had… void, even now she could not shake the memory of the way he had smiled at her; of the way his hand had felt on hers. “Regardless of what I may or may not have done,” she finally said, “The two of you should not have interfered. Or at least, if you were going to, it should have been nine years ago.”

She watched her parents exchange a look, which simply confirmed her suspicions. “You talked to Thea,” her mother observed simply. “Is that why she is not picking up her phone or responding to our texts?”

Cat felt a twinge of guilt. “We… I would not exactly call it talking. We had a bit of a shouting match and I said some things I should not have said. I had no idea she had been holding on to this for so long, or that she has blamed herself this entire time for Nate leaving.”

“It has killed her, all these years,” Eleanor spoke up quietly. “She never breathed a word of it, of course, because that would mean revealing secrets that were not hers to tell. Still, we knew, and we know she suffered for it.”

“You have every right to be angry,” Bryce added. “We know what a shock this must have been for you. But please try to forgive Thea. She did what she did out of love, for both of you, and she has been carrying this guilt for a very long time. Too long, for someone so young.”

Cat exhaled slowly. Damn it, but she _wasn’t _angry at Thea anymore, not really. “When did she find out?”

“I imagine this morning, when he showed up at court,” Eleanor replied promptly. “It was quite the surprise for everyone, really. They have been trying to bring that man home since Rendon was thrown in prison, but he has never shown up.”

“And he has never once replied,” Cat finished the thought. “I am sure Thea and Nora simply assumed this time would be no different. Andraste’s blood, that cannot have ended well.”

“Rumor has it, it did not,” Eleanor replied dryly. “Nathaniel confronted Thea after the session ended, and from what I understand neither of them were particularly kind to each other. Fortunately, shouting matches involving our darling Thea are not exactly a rarity in the palace, so not too many eyebrows were raised. Personally, I am trying to brace myself for the day Anora’s father comes back, because if he ends up meeting Thea they may cause a domestic incident.”

Cat repressed the urge to snicker at that. She suspected that if Thea and Teyrn Mac Tir ever met, her cousin might well end up speechless, which would have been a much bigger spectacle than any argument. However, as even Thea had not admitted anything where that man was concerned, she simply smiled. “Perhaps. In any case, how did they go from that argument to suddenly being best friends again?”

“Nine broken dishes, a bottle of excellent Antivan whiskey, and a good word from the Bear,” her father deadpanned. “Beyond that? You would have to ask one of them. I admit, even I was surprised by how quickly she seemed inclined to forgive him. She has been angry for a long time.”

“She missed him, too,” Cat said softly. “I am sure she just wants him to come home. Have you heard anything about his long-term plans? Is he…” She hesitated, then asked, “Is he planning on returning to Denerim permanently, or will he be returning to Ostwick after he settles his father’s affairs?”

Her parents exchanged another look, but this time it was uncertain rather than guilty. “I don’t know, Cat,” her father finally said. “Like I said, I was only there for about half an hour before you showed up, and he left after about ten minutes to go check out of his hotel.”

“That’s right,” Cat sighed. “Thea said he was staying in the Loft.”

“Which to me is the surest sign he plans on sticking around, at least for the time being,” her mother noted. “Now,” she stood up and began gathering dishes, “Why don’t you help me wash up, dear?”

Bryce seemed to take this as a sign to leave the two women to talk, so he also rose from his seat and, after dropping a kiss on his daughter’s cheek and giving her one final apology, he wandered off to his library. Cat began putting away leftovers, taking advantage of the momentary quiet to continue chipping away at her tangled ball of emotions. Finally, she took a spot at her mother’s side, neatly setting dishes in the dishwasher after Eleanor had properly rinsed them. It was a quiet, domestic familiarity, and it somehow helped Cat feel a little more grounded.

“Would you like to talk about it, Cataline?”

The kindness in her mother’s question broke through the last bit of haze in her mind. “I don’t know, mom,” she exhaled. “I am… I am very confused, at the moment.”

“Understandable,” Eleanor nodded, handing over a stack of plates. “These past twenty-four hours cannot have been easy on you. And for the record, I do not excuse what your father and Thea did; however, I will emphasize they did it out of love for you. For both of you.”

“I just kind of feel like an idiot,” Cat muttered. “I feel like everyone around us was in on this big secret, and no one ever saw fit to let us in on the joke.”

“It was more complicated than that, darling,” Eleanor chided gently. “Thea was in a bad spot, between the two of you. And of course, being Thea, she was trying to pull more strings than she should have been, to get you and Nathaniel to see the truth without _technically_ breaking either of her promises. For what it’s worth, your father actually tried to gently convince her to step back a bit.”

“But you both knew? You both knew I was in love with him?”

“Of course we did,” Eleanor replied, her tone ever patient. “Just like it was abundantly clear he was in love with you. My word but that boy was hopeless over you.”

“So you can understand why I am more than a little annoyed that _no one _saw fit to point this out,” Cat countered, unable to keep a shadow of bitterness out of her tone. “You can, I hope, understand why I am even more heartbroken to realize he and I have lost almost a decade of time together simply because we were both idiots.”

“Cataline Alexandria Cousland, you stop that right this instant.” Eleanor turned to face her, hand on her hip and a look of exasperation in her eyes that Cat had not seen since she was a teenager. “You have always been the most calm, reasonable, and level-headed of my children. So look at this from that perspective: what are your choices, at this point?”

Cat took a deep breath, and she could feel herself calming down as she did so. “Well,” she began slowly, “I could continue to feel sorry for myself and berating myself and Thea for the years lost.” She shook her head. “But that would not do me any good, would it? All that would result in is losing even more time that could be spent building something new.”

“Very good,” Eleanor gave a small smile of approval. “And what is your other option?”

Despite herself, Cat could not help a small smile of her own. “My other option is to simply gather my courage and go talk to Nathaniel. Maybe he still cares for me, maybe he does not, but simply sticking my head in the sand and ignoring both possibilities is far worse than baring my heart and _trying_. He is worth it. He always has been.”

“And maybe, just maybe,” Eleanor suggested, drying her hands on a towel before wrapping Cat in a hug, “You both needed to live life for a bit before you realized just how much you meant to each other. Yes, you’ve lost some years. But think of everything you’ve learned in that time. Think about how much more you will appreciate one another because you understand just how pale everything else was in comparison. And think about just how many more years you could have together if you simply talk to each other, and be honest about how you feel.”

Cat laughed softly. “Isn’t it exhausting, always being right all the time? You know Thea gets it from you, yes?”

Eleanor pretended to be aghast at the very idea. “I am not _always_ right,” she protested.

“Just very nearly.”


	7. In the Night, I Am Wild Eyed

Nathaniel scrolled through the text thread for what felt like the hundredth time that evening. He was not certain why he kept doing it to himself: the words had not changed, and the last message had been over an hour ago.

_N: So how did it go?_

_T: …Not great. She’s fucking pissed. Mostly at me, though, so you’ve got that going for you. _

_N: I’m sorry, Teddy Girl. I did not intend for you to take the brunt of her anger like that._

_T: Don’t be. I made this mess, it is only fitting I clean it up. Anyways, I told her that I can live with her hating me, but that she really needs to talk to you. I told her you’re at the Loft, but I kind of walked out after that. We were both losing our temper, and you know that does not end well for me. Whatever happens next, the ball is in her court._

_N: *sigh* Yeah. Probably for the best. Think I should give her some breathing room, or try to call her? Text her? Email?_

_T: Fuck, Nate, I don’t know. This whole mess is because I got too involved, so I feel like maybe I should just step back? There is a very distinct possibility I would just make things worse at this point. I seem to have a talent for it._

_N: Still not your fault, Thea._

_T: Yeah, except it is. Anyways, I don’t know. She’s still gone for you, Nate. Head over heels in love. If it were anyone but you two, I would probably be nauseated right about now. As it stands, I am going to take the night off and try to just think for a bit. _

_N: Fair enough. Breakfast tomorrow, since I know you have absolutely no plans to eat dinner this evening?_

_T: Possibly. Let’s see how things shake out tonight._

It was that last text that he kept going back to. What did she mean, ‘how things shake out tonight?’ For all that she had sworn she was going to step back and let things happen without her interference, Nathaniel could not help feeling like Thea knew something he didn’t. She understood things, understood _people_ in a way most others drastically underestimated, and there was just the faintest hint of hope in those last few typed words that had his heart racing and his head spinning.

He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. Although Dorian had promised him two weeks to settle in to his new life in Denerim, Nathaniel had been reviewing back issues of _Thoughts on Thedas_, trying to get a feel for what worked and what he would want to discuss changing with Dorian. His intent had been to pour himself into his work and into preparing for his new job so that he could live up to the reputation he had not even realized he had. Thea really had known what she was doing. Not exactly surprising, and it gave him hope for whatever would come next for him and Cat.

Nathaniel rubbed a hand over his eyes. He had read the exact same article three times now and could not remember a single word of it, and of _course_ his thoughts had inevitably returned to Cat. She had been on his mind damn near constantly since that spring day almost two decades ago when he had realized he was in love with her. It had been a clear, innocent love at the time. They had still been so young, which may have been why he was so reluctant to say anything to her. Nathaniel could only imagine how impossible his brother would have been had he found out, and some small part of him was bitterly glad Thomas had died before Nathaniel had come home. Delilah had given him an earful for his disappearing act, but at least at the end she had been glad to see him.

And of course, the first words out of her mouth after her lecture had been asking if he had seen Cat yet.

He half wondered if those early years of silent, pining, young love had made it too easy to slip into silent, pining, teenage angst, then silent, pining young adulthood. Their friendship, intense as it was, was at least safe: there was no risk of baring his soul only to have her reject him. Now, of course, he knew that was idiotic. There had been a million little clues, an uncountable number of ways she had been wordlessly telling him how she felt over the years, and he had been absolutely oblivious to every single one of them.

So now he sat here nine years later, a string of failed relationships behind him, none of which had lasted more than a few months at most. At some point, he had just stopped trying because he knew he was not being fair to himself or the women he was dating. They were not Cataline, therefore, they were not want he wanted. The day Nathaniel had acknowledged that depressing reality was the day he had resigned himself to living alone for the rest of his life. Come to think of it…

That day stood out in stark clarity in his memory, even though he had done his best to drown it at the time. Nathaniel had been at The Merry Salamander, drinking their cheap beer special and scrolling through the photos of Cat on his phone that he had never been able to bring himself to delete. It had been the day the news of Loghain Mac Tir’s departure from the capital and of Rendon Howe’s arrest had hit the news. Which meant it was the day Thea had seen him in Ostwick. Yet another in a long line of what-ifs: would he have been willing to come home if she had confronted him that night? Would he have even been willing to believe her if she had told him then about how Cat felt? Hindsight was perfect, and he would like to think he would have.

He stared at the blank wall in front of him. Eventually he would put up some of his photos, or maybe see if he could find some decent art pieces. Thea had given him free rein to decorate as he saw fit, perhaps a further incentive to try and convince him to stay put in Denerim. Nathaniel could have told her not to worry so much. He was not going anywhere. Even if Cat rejected him; rejected his love and all his apologies, he was not going to run away again.

And at the moment, the rest of his life was actually in a pretty good place. He had landed an amazing job and he had a place to live that was close to the beach and close to his best friend. The Loft was small, but it was cozy, and the light colored walls and big windows made it seem larger than it was. Besides, it beat living out of hotel rooms and suitcases, which had comprised his existence in the Marches. Yes, things were good.

But Cataline would have made them perfect.

Nathaniel let his head fall against his desk with a long groan. Suddenly, he was wishing Dorian had just let him go ahead and start the new job. At least then he would have had something to distract him and keep him busy. This was just torture. Once again, he reached for his phone and scrolled through the series of messages he had exchanged with Thea, looking for some clue or hint that he already knew was not there. And once again, he contemplated throwing all of his common sense and patience out the window and just calling Cat just to hear her voice.

Instead, he plugged his phone in to charge and went downstairs, reaching into the cabinet and grabbing the bottle of whiskey Thea had given him as a ‘housewarming’ gift. He poured himself a glass, then wandered aimlessly into the living room, collapsing on the couch and switching on the TV to something mindless: a repeat of a show he had already seen twice. Nathaniel had nearly convinced himself he might be able to go back upstairs and get something productive done when there was a hesitant knock at the door.

He set his glass down and went to answer, not bothering to look to see who it was and fully expecting to see Thea on the other side when he opened it. To his immense surprise, it was not his best friend standing on his front porch. It was Cataline. She looked up at him, brushing aside a lock of ginger hair and a sweet uncertainty in her violet eyes.

“Hey, Nate,” she smiled gently. “I was wondering… I mean… do you think we can talk?”

He stared at her for a long moment, then snapped back to reality. “Of course, Cat. Come on in.” Nathaniel stepped aside to let her enter, waiting as she slipped her sandals off and set her bag on an end table before turning her attention back to him. She was close enough he could smell the soft, warm scent of vanilla she had worn for as long as he had known her, and it was enough to make him lightheaded. Cat stood there uncertainly for a moment, then settled herself on the sofa, tucking her feet neatly beneath her. It was another long moment before Nathaniel could gather his thoughts enough to speak again.

“Can I get you anything? Tea, maybe? I know it’s late, but I have that blend you liked to drink before bed.” The words came out before he could stop them, and he mentally kicked himself. To his relief, she simply offered him a sweet, quiet smile.

“That would be lovely, Nate. Thank you.”

He stepped into the kitchen, grateful for the distraction preparing the tea gave him as he tried to choose his next words. “I’m sorry things are still a little sparse in here,” he said by way of apology. “I am having a friend of mine ship the rest of my things down from Ostwick but, honestly, it won’t make much of a difference in the décor. It will mostly be clothes and the handful of dishes I amassed over the years. I never bothered to decorate much since I was almost never actually, you know, home.” He was rambling to fill the silence and he knew it, but fortunately Cat did not seem to be too bothered by it.

“So you plan on staying in Denerim?” She asked, keeping her tone conversational, but Nathaniel could swear he heard an undercurrent of hope there.

He frowned slightly as he carefully measured the tea leaves into the metal strainer. “Thea didn’t tell you?”

A shadow of guilt passed over Cat’s face, and Nathaniel instantly regretted the question. “To be honest, I did not ask,” Cat admitted. “I am sure she has already told you we had a bit of a… well, let’s just call it what it was: a fight. In reality, I had a million things I wanted to ask her, but was too upset in the moment to articulate any of them before she left. I can’t say I blame her.” She shrugged sadly. “Besides, it sounds like she is already doing plenty to blame herself.”

“Yeah,” Nathaniel nodded slowly, pulling the kettle from the stove as it began its cheerfully insistent whistle. “Well, I can at least answer that one for you: yes, I plan on staying in Denerim. That was not my original plan, namely because I did not _have_ a plan, but… but I decided to stay.”

A small smile flickered over Cat’s features before she schooled her expression back into something more neutral. “I see. I am… I am so glad, Nathaniel.”

His heart swelled at the words, and the warmth with which they were spoken, and he very nearly forgot what he was doing. Eventually, after nearly scalding himself with the boiling water as he was pouring it and then nearly spilling the tea no less than three times on the short trek from the kitchen to the living room, he managed to hand a mug over to Cataline before settling down beside her on the sofa. It occurred to him he should have at least offered to take a seat on the other loveseat or the chair, but at this point he was willing to risk being asked to move for the chance to be near to her, if even for a moment.

Cat did not ask him to move; in fact, she seemed to shift a bit closer to him as he sat down. “I can’t believe you remembered how much I like this blend,” she murmured, inhaling the ethereal scents of lavender and honey as the steam rose from her cup.

“Of course I remembered, Cat,” Nathaniel replied softly. “You loved it; you drank it nearly every night before bed.”

“And you would make it for me, often as not, when you were around.” Her lips tilted in a familiar smile as she took a delicate sip, her eyelids fluttering shut as she did so. “I remember too, Nate. We would stay up so late during those summer and holiday breaks, sitting in the living room talking long after everyone else had gone to bed. Funny,” she gave a small, musical laugh, “In retrospect I do not remember Thea _ever_ going to bed quite so early as she did on those nights.”

Nathaniel chuckled quietly. “Teddy Girl was many things, but her subtlety took a while to develop, didn’t it?”

“Indeed it did,” Cat agreed wryly. “So. Am I to understand you just happened to have my favorite bedtime tea on hand by accident?”

He felt a warmth rise in his cheeks, which seemed to amuse her, so he decided to roll the dice on the honest answer. “I suppose I was simply optimistic,” he said slowly, “That you may be willing to forgive me and, if nothing else, consider being my friend again. And if by some miracle that was the case, I figured the least I could do was have your favorite teas here for when you would hopefully visit.”

Cat carefully set her cup down on the table, then neatly folded her hands on her lap. “I am sorry I walked out the other night, Nate,” she said, looking up at him, uncertainty in her eyes. “I realize that must have looked, well, not great.”

Nathaniel shook his head emphatically. “Cat, I do not think any of us handled the situation well. And really? What you did was not only completely fair, it was better than what I deserved. At least,” he sighed, rubbing his forehead briefly, “At least you didn’t up and disappear like I did. You came back.”

“So did you,” she pointed out quietly. “It just took you longer than I would have liked. But you are here now, and you plan on staying. And,” she took a deep breath, her eyes falling and one hand reaching up to brush her hair away from her face. “And maybe now we can have the discussion we apparently should have had a very long time ago.”

“Oh, Cat,” he reached out and took one of her hands in his, heart nearly beating out of his chest when she not only accepted the gesture but easily laced her fingers with his own, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Which, he was finally beginning to realize, maybe it was. “We do not have to talk about anything you do not want to talk about. Or, if you prefer, you can talk and I will just listen to anything you have to say, or if you would rather I go first, I…” Nathaniel inhaled slowly. Why was he rambling? He never rambled. Finally, he gently set his free hand against Cat’s chin and carefully tilted it up so she was facing him.

“I just want you to be happy, Wildflower,” he murmured, his thumb tracing her jaw line softly.

She swallowed hard. “I have not heard that name in many, many years,” she whispered.

“Do you want me to stop?” Nathaniel asked. “I realize you may have outgrown it, or moved on.”

She smiled, her cheek leaning into his touch. “You never did tell me how you came up with it,” she pointed out. “But I always loved it. It was mine; something only you called me.”

“You were always my Wildflower, ever since that spring when I gave you that first bouquet,” Nathaniel explained slowly. “Wildflowers are so beautiful, but stronger than most flowers. They have to be, to survive in the wilds of the world. You were a bright, brilliant spot in the midst of the weeds of my life: something beautiful and strong and vibrant that brought me so much joy simply by existing. My life was made better just for the reality of having you in it.”

“Nathaniel.” Cat leaned closer to him, her arms slipping easily around his neck as, almost by instinct, his wound around her waist. She tilted her head slightly, her nose rubbing briefly against his as she whispered in his ear.

“_I love you_.”

And then, without saying another word, she pressed her lips against his, kissing him, and in that moment the rest of the world faded away save for the taste of her and the way her body felt pressed against his. Nathaniel had spent _years_ dreaming of this moment, playing it out hundreds of thousands of times in his mind, and every single one of those dreams had paled in comparison to the reality that was Cataline as she was right now. He felt her tongue dance ever so lightly over his lips, and he willingly sank deeper into their kiss, his body slowly reclining back against the sofa as Cat fit her body against his so perfectly it was as though they were made for each other.

“Cat,” he spoke when they broke apart for air, “I love you. I love you so maker-damned much and I have loved you every day of my life for as long as I can remember.”

“I love you, Nathaniel,” Cat whispered fervently. “I love you, and I have loved you since the first day you decided I was your Wildflower; the day we walked in that meadow and I took your hand and you simply held mine. I have loved you every day since, and I will love you every single day going forward. I love you.”

Their lips met again, and Nathaniel was more than willing to completely lose himself in her. _This is a dream. It has to be a dream_. Yet somehow, he knew it was not, and the knowledge nearly shattered him in the best possible way. He ran his hands along the dip of Cat’s waist and the curves of her hips, trying not to groan when it resulted in her rolling those hips against his, prompting his body to react with far more enthusiasm than it probably should have.

“Nathaniel.” Cat’s voice was pitched higher than it was a moment ago, and her hands were tracing the lines of his muscles through his shirt as she leaned back. “Nathaniel, I have spent nine very long years wanting you. _Badly_.”

“Oh, Wildflower.” He let his head fall back against the arm of the sofa, trying to pretend she was not driving him crazy with the way she had somehow shifted to straddle his lap. “I want you, too. Desperately. But are you… I mean, I have absolutely no right to ask you to-”

She silenced the rest of his words with her lips against his. “You are not asking me,” she corrected him. “_I_ am asking _you_. I want this. I want you. _I love you_. Are you ready for, for us?”

“Maker, yes,” Nathaniel agreed before once again claiming her mouth with his own, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. He could feel her giggle against his lips, and the sound made him smile too. For the first time since he had left all those years ago, Nathaniel finally, _truly_, felt like he was home. With careful fingers, he gently pulled down the zipper on Cataline’s dress, slowly, patiently. They had waited this long, and he wanted to do this right. More than that, he wanted this to be as perfect as it possibly could be. She deserved nothing less. She sat back long enough to reach down and pull the hem up and over her waist, then over her head, tossing the garment aside before returning her attention to him.

“Wow,” was all he could manage to breathe as he looked at her. He wanted, no, he _needed_ this to be perfect. They had both waited so long, and he had wanted her so badly…

And of course, she seemed to read his thoughts. “Nate,” she murmured, leaning forward and pressing the warmth of her body against his and banishing every worry he had, “It is us. You, and me, together. After all this time. I need nothing more than that. This is perfect. _We_ are perfect.”

“Well, you are at least half right,” he conceded, scooping her up in his arms and prompting an exhale of surprised laughter. “But the absolute least I can do is take you upstairs to a proper bed rather than subjecting you to the awkwardness of couch sex.”

“For which I am grateful,” Cat replied, her breath warm on his neck and the path of her lips making it difficult for him to think straight. Still, he made it up the stairs and into the bedroom, laying her down gently on the bed and taking a moment to simply appreciate her as she stretched out, her hands falling carelessly over her head as the ginger waves of her hair pooled behind her. He studied her intently, wanting to memorize every curve of her body; every light in her eyes; every graceful movement of her breathing. And Cat seemed content to let him look, simply meeting his gaze with one that seemed to effortlessly blend patience and want all at the same time.

Finally, his own impatience won out, and he slowly stripped his t-shirt off over his head, tossing it aside and smiling slightly at the reaction it elicited from Cat: a subtle skip in her breathing, and her hand trailed nails lightly up her thigh. He used the same careful, methodical motions to undo his jeans, then kicked them aside as well before stepping closer to the bed and slipping easily into her arms. “Is there anywhere particular you would like me to start, Wildflower?” He asked, gently brushing his hand against her cheek. She caught it in hers and pressed a kiss to his palm before offering him her beautiful, sunrise smile.

“Nathaniel, love,” she said, and the sound of his name and that precious, impossible word coming from her lips nearly made him lose all self-restraint. “If you have been dreaming about this for as long and extensively as I have, I suspect you already have some thoughts on the matter. So why don’t we start there, and see where it takes us.”

“Absolutely,” he agreed. “Although, if that is true, maybe I should be letting you take the lead.”

She giggled softly, tangling her hand in his hair as he began kissing a slow, languorous line down her neck and along her collarbone. “Who said I would not? But we have time. Maker, Nate,” she gave a contented sigh, letting her head fall back against his pillow. “We have time.”

“As much as you want, Cat,” he promised, sealing his words to her heart with a kiss. “You have me, for as long as you can put up with me. I am yours.”

“So, always?” She asked, the question laced with hope.

He nodded, his hand drifting up her side and cupping her breast, his thumb tracing a teasing circle over her nipple. “Always,” he assured her. She gave a low hum of pleasure as he moved to her other breast, repeating the pattern until the delicate skin beneath his fingers was firm. Cat arched her back with a muted moan, and Nathaniel took the opportunity to slip his hand beneath her and, after some minor fumbling and a couple of swears, managed to undo the clasp of her bra.

He hesitated for only a moment before slowly slipping the bands over her shoulders and setting the garment aside and allowing his mouth to take the place of his hands. Andraste take him but the silken taste of her skin in his mouth was better than anything he had ever managed to conjure up in his extensive imaginings. He was gentle, at first, but as she gently pressed against the back of his head he sucked harder at the tightened bud, his teeth scraping ever so lightly over it and earning him another moan of pleasure from the woman beneath him.

“I could drown in you, Cat,” he murmured against her skin, shifting to her other breast and repeating the same deliberate, controlled pattern, his senses tuned to every spark of her existence. He could feel as much as hear her heartbeat quickening in her chest, and the soft exhale of breath against his hair as her hands clung to his shoulders, nails digging in just enough to let him know she was just as desperate as he was, and just as disinclined to hide it.

Nathaniel paused long enough to kiss her again, allowing himself to sink into it, the taste of her and the sheer fire that rose in his soul every time they touched making him dizzy. With measured precision, he began kissing a line down her sternum, smiling at the involuntary giggle that escaped her lungs as his stubble brushed against the tender skin of her belly. His fingers slipped easily beneath the hem of her boyshorts, and he slowly pulled them down over her hips before tossing them aside and sitting back on his knees to just stare at her as she lay there sprawled out on the bed, completely bare to him for the first time in their lives.

“You cannot possibly tell me you are going to stop there,” she teased gently, one foot tracing a faint path along his thigh and up his hip.

“Hardly,” he reassured her, leaning down and pressing his lips to hers. His breath caught in his throat as he felt her slender fingers reach down and brush ever so lightly against the hard line of his cock, the reaction prompting a smile from Cataline as she lay back down against the bed. She pressed her hands gently against his shoulders, prompting him to lie down as she rolled over on top of him, straddling his hips. She hesitated a moment, then looked at him uncertainly.

“This may not be the best time to mention it,” she said, “But… this will only be the second time I’ve done this. I may be awful.”

“Wildflower.” Nathaniel pulled her down into his arms, holding her tight and kissing her fiercely. “First of all,” he murmured in her ear, “You could never be awful. Not at this. Not with me. Second, we will only go so far as you want to go, I promise. You say the word, and we stop.”

“Who said anything about stopping?” She giggled, leaning back up, the heat of her sex pressing against his cock as she did so and eliciting a long groan from his lungs. “I just felt as though I should give you fair warning so you do not end up disappointed,” she shrugged, her hands going to the waistband of his boxer briefs and pulling them down over his hips with almost agonizing care. “My first time was… not great. Mostly because I simply was not in the moment. However, I would like to try something I have never done before, if that’s ok?”

Nathaniel took a deep breath and nodded while she tossed the final piece of clothing aside, her body arching back as she began drawing a constellation of kisses against his chest, then lower down his stomach, then his hips and inner thigh, before her mouth finally wrapped around him. In that moment, he nearly lost himself, and all he could manage for a moment was a sharp intake of breath as her tongue ran along his length, flicking lightly over the tip while her hand stroked a steady pattern beneath her lips.

“Maker’s breath, Cat,” he finally managed to gasp, “For someone who says they have never done this before you are _remarkably_ quick to pick it up.”

“Mmm,” she hummed, the vibration sending a jolt of pleasure through him before she shifted back up so that she was lying beside him. “Well, thank my friend Zevran. He heard you were back in town and emailed me a very detailed, very graphic, list of suggestions of things I might try. Some of them I am not entirely certain are anatomically possible.”

“And… um… did you happen to keep this list?”

Cat laughed, the sound echoing brightly in the room, and Nathaniel could not help but smile as well, fitting his body over hers and kissing her gently. She wrapped her arms around his back, nails raking lightly down his spine. “I love you, Nathaniel,” she whispered, her eyes meeting his, and he knew the look he saw there was reflected in his own.

“Say it again, Wildflower?” He asked, unable to keep the plea from his tone.

Her lips tilted up in the unique, heartbreakingly beautiful smile he now realized had ever been given to him. “I love you, Nathaniel Adrian Howe. I love you.

“I love you, Cataline Alexandria Cousland,” he whispered as he gently entered her, every sense focused on the way she reacted: the way her eyelashes fluttered shut and her lips parted just slightly, a soft moan escaping them. The way her hips arched to meet his, letting him fill her completely with every thrust he made. The way her hands never seemed to leave his body, always on his back or his shoulders or his waist, seemingly as desperate to touch him as he was to touch her. “I love you so much, Wildflower. I never want to be apart from you again.”

She gave a small hum of pleasure as his hand moved to the juncture of her thighs. He experimented with speed and pressure, his touch reacting to the small shifts in breathing or the way her hips adjusted beneath him. Nathaniel held himself back, waiting until he could feel the sudden, desperate way her entire core seemed to tighten around him and somewhere in the haze of his senses he heard her cry out his name. The sound of it was enough to send him over the edge, and his lips crashed into hers as he came, her body pressed close to his.

He collapsed beside her, still holding her in his arms as they tried to catch their breath. “Andraste’s blood, Cat,” he finally managed, his chest still rising and falling rapidly. “That was… that was _so_ much better than I imagined it being. And I spent a _lot_ of time imagining it.”

Cat laughed, the warmth of her breath dancing over his bare chest. “Same. Exactly the same, actually.” She nuzzled her head against his shoulder. “Mmm. You were worth the wait, in any case.”

“I’m so glad,” he spoke softly, pressing a kiss to her head. “Stay with me?”

“Always, Nathaniel,” she whispered, snuggling up to him as he pulled the sheets up over them.

“Always.”


	8. Wild Roses, They Don't Mean a Thing

For the first time in her life, Cat woke up with the sunrise with a smile already tilting at her lips.

It was surprising, given how little sleep she and Nathaniel had ended up getting. They had eventually made it from the bed to the shower to wash up, only to end up making love again in the process, and once more in the middle of the night when she had rolled over and began kissing on his neck and shoulders, her entire body aching for him. She had made a token apology for waking him up that he had effectively silenced with his lips on hers as they lost themselves in each other all over again.

Still, for all that there had not been much of it, the sleep Cat had gotten was the best she’d had in years. Maybe ever, if she was being honest. And maybe that was why, when Nathaniel had gently woken her up from the depths of sleep while the grey light of dawn still washed over his bedroom, Cat was not only willing but glad to slip out of bed and follow him out to the small deck outside, wrapped in nothing but his arms and an oversized comforter. For a moment, neither of them spoke, simply content in the other’s presence.

“Ever since that first morning I left, when you found me by my car just as the sun was rising over the city, I have woken up with the sun every single morning.” Nathaniel held her a little closer, his lips brushing against the top of her head. “In some ways, it was a penance: a reminder of that morning I left you, the best thing in my life, behind. In other ways, it was the one gift I gave to myself during those years. You were always my sunrise, Cataline: the soft, warm light after the darkest parts of my life. The promise of something better. Constant and certain and beautiful.”

Cat gave a contented sigh, nestling her head against Nathaniel’s chest, watching as the first golden rays of sunlight began to cast the ocean and the sand in an ethereal glow. In the distance, the hush of waves whispering against the shore and the first trills of birdsong was the only sound amidst the pastel hues of lilac and sherbet and light, playful blue in the sky. “You have always had a way with words, haven’t you?”

He laughed quietly, the sound vibrating pleasantly from his chest against her cheek. “I do not know about that, my Wildflower, but I will concede that you seem to bring out the best in me. I know you are not exactly a morning person, but I was hoping you might consider making this a part of your routine as well.”

Her heart skipped a beat as her mind tried to decide if he was really suggesting what she thought he was, or if it was simply her own hopefulness coloring her perceptions. “Nate, I would gladly give up sleeping in if it means sharing moments like this with you.”

If she did not know any better, she would swear he released a breath he had been holding. “I am so glad, Cat. In the meantime,” he carefully guided her back inside, “It is a bit chilly out there, I’ve found, even in the summer. Maybe you would consider letting me make you some of your breakfast tea?”

“That sounds wonderful,” Cat agreed, falling back against the bed. “But I think I need to make at least a temporary sojourn back to reality. I do not even have my toothbrush with me, and I cannot possibly ask you to kiss me properly until I’ve brushed. I should also probably change my clothes, and-” Suddenly, she sat bolt upright, her eyes wide. Nathaniel turned around from where he had been retrieving his own clothes from his dresser, a look of concern on his face.

“Are you alright, Cat?”

Cat squeezed her eyes shut, pinching the bridge of her nose. “My car has been in the driveway all night.”

“…and?”

“Which means Thea knows I spent the night here. Which means she is going to be absolutely impossible.”

Nathaniel began laughing, then sat down beside her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her forehead. “Cat, my love, my only, she is _always_ going to be impossible. At least now she can be honest about it.”

Cat rolled her eyes, but she could not help but smile. “Fair enough. Well, since she’ll have figured it out anyways, I may as well run up to the main house and just pick up the spare things I keep there. I have a stash of toiletries and clothes at Thea’s house for the nights I drink a little too much, or we stay up talking too late. Or when we just need the company.”

“Well,” Nathaniel said as he pulled on a pair of jeans, “Hopefully you may consider my company on at least some of those nights.”

Cat decided to press her luck. “Hopefully _most_ nights,” she said, her eyes meeting his. He smiled.

“I do not want you to completely abandon Thea just because I came home,” he replied, “But yes. I am certainly hoping for most nights. In the meantime, if you want to go grab your things, I will start the tea and maybe start making breakfast? How do you feel about Orlesian toast?”

“Very positively,” Cat giggled, but her heart was racing. If it had been literally anyone else, she would have said they were moving too fast: that this was too much too soon and the very _idea_ that she was currently keeping just at the tip of her tongue was a recipe for disaster. But this wasn’t anyone else: this was Nathaniel, the man she had loved nearly her entire life, literally since she had been old enough to even understand what that feeling was. She had spent the last nine years wishing she had been exactly where she was right now, and this was where she wanted to be for the rest of her life.

She followed him downstairs, collecting her dress where she had tossed it the night before and slipping it on. “I’ll be right back,” she called to Nathaniel as she opened the front door. To her surprise, there was already a canvas bag on his front porch, with a note on top with her name on it. She brought it back inside, sat down on the sofa, and began withdrawing the bag’s contents. What she found sent her into a fresh wave of laughter, drawing Nathaniel’s attention from the kitchen.

“Three pairs of clean underwear, my toothbrush, and some shorts and t-shirts,” she recited.

Nathaniel chuckled, shaking his head as he set a couple pieces of battered brioche in the pan. “And the note?”

Cat picked it up and unfolded it, her eyes welling up just slightly and her voice holding a faint tremor as she read. “‘My darling Catkin and Nate, I know I said I was going to stop meddling in your lives and I _promise_ am, but please accept this last gesture in good faith, and as an apology for not making this right sooner. I love you both so much, and I am so glad you finally found your way back to each other. Cat, I’ve cleared your calendar for the next three days. Enjoy yourselves, and if you don’t feel like cooking dinner you know where to find me. Love, Thea.’”

“She blames herself,” Nathaniel said, guilt weighing down his words. “I told her it wasn’t her fault, but…”

“You were kinder than I was,” Cat admitted with a trace of shame, sitting at the dining room table and accepting the cup of tea Nathaniel offered her. “I _did_ blame her. I shouldn’t have, but in the moment I was so upset and so angry and so heartbroken…”

Nathaniel gave her a slightly sheepish glance. “Still a bit better than our reunion. I did not blame her for, well, for us, because I did not find out until that evening that she had known we were in love with each other the entire damn time. I managed to blame her for everything else, though. Accused her of being vicious and betraying me and my family.”

“Maker,” Cat sighed. “Well, she forgave you, so hopefully she will be as generous with me.”

“Oh love, she clearly already has,” Nathaniel reassured her. “Otherwise she would not have brought your things down, or covered your meetings and appointments, or made a special detour on our drive home yesterday just because I wanted to pick up your favorite teas.”

Cat could not help but smile all over again. “For which I am still grateful,” she acknowledged. “It was a very thoughtful gesture. No one else, save Thea, has ever made the effort.”

Nathaniel plated up the toast and set it down in front of her before taking a place beside her, rather than across from her. “You will forgive me if I am still reluctant to be too far from you,” he explained.

“I feel the same way,” she assured him, pressing a brief kiss to his cheek before she began neatly cutting up her toast. They were quiet for a bit, both enjoying the simple joy of being together and sharing something as mundane as breakfast.

“As far as gestures go, I still feel as though I should have done something more elaborate,” Nathaniel finally mused, taking a sip of his own tea. “I must have replayed coming home to you in my mind a million times, trying to think of something that would be good enough for you. I probably should have had wine and candles and roses…”

Cat hushed his list with a single finger pressed to his lips. “Nathaniel. I have also spent the last nine years imagining our reunion. And every single one of the _millions_ of scenarios I came up with was a pale shadow of how absolutely perfect last night and this morning was. You are home. By some miracle, you love me. And while I do enjoy candlelight and a good glass of wine, I have never liked roses.”

Nathaniel’s brow furrowed slightly. “I knew Thea did not like them, and I thought you did not particularly care for them either, but you had that boyfriend-”

“Who was constantly bringing me a single red rose, yes,” Cat rolled her eyes. “I remember. It was… it was a sweet gesture, and I know he thought he was being romantic, but every single time it was a reminder he did not really know me at all. He had no idea who I really was which,” she paused, the pieces finally clicking, “I suppose was not his fault, really. I never let him see who I really was. I never did with any of my boyfriends. But no: those roses never meant a damn thing to me. No flowers have ever touched my heart the way those wildflowers you brought me did.”

He reached out a hand and carefully cupped her cheek, running his thumb along her cheekbone. “I’m glad,” he replied softly. “I still remember that first bouquet I gave you. The one Thea helped with.”

Cat laughed. “How am I not surprised? Either way, I remember too.” She stood up and took their plates to the sink and began rinsing them off. “In fact, I still have it. I kept all of the flowers from it and pressed them in my books then, after you… after you left, I had them framed. It is one of the only pieces I have hanging up in my apartment. In my bedroom, actually.”

“I can’t believe you saved them,” Nathaniel said as he stood up, accepting the rinsed dishes to put them in the dishwasher. “And that you actually went through the trouble of framing them. I would love to see them again, someday.”

“Are you certain you are not simply looking for a reason to end up in my bedroom?” She teased, and he simply chuckled softly.

“I hope I am more subtle than that,” he protested. “Then again, ‘subtle’ does not seem to have been my strong point last night. I fear we managed to skip all the way from mutual, hopeless pining for one another straight to the bedroom.”

“And the impossibly amazing, mind-blowing sex,” Cat added, her nose crinkling slightly as Nathaniel placed a kiss there. “I feel that, given how much lost time we are making up for here, an abbreviated timeline can be forgiven. Besides,” she laced her fingers with his, leaning back against the kitchen counter, “It is not as though we do not know each other. I would venture to say that you know me better than just about anyone else in the entire world, Nathaniel.”

“I could say the same of you, Wildflower,” he agreed, taking her by the hand and leading her into the living room where they curled up together on the sofa. “Even still, I feel as though we have so much to catch up on. So much I missed.”

Cat nodded slowly. They had time, now, after all. Time for all the little talks and conversations and hopes for the future they had never had a chance to share before. “Alright. Where would you like me to start?”

Nathaniel seemed to consider for a moment, running his thumb slowly over her shoulder. “Well… at the risk of sounding trite, how is work? When are your parents planning on retiring?”

“Next spring sometime,” Cat replied promptly. This much was simple. “Really, Thea and I run most of the day to day operations anymore. Margot still controls the interests in the north and, thank the Maker, has no plans on handing over control at the moment. She has strongly hinted that, when she does someday retire, those holdings will also be absorbed by Thea and myself, and neither of us is ready for that. Especially with Thea at court as often as she is.”

“Anora said the three of you had become close,” Nathaniel observed, and Cat nodded.

“I absolutely adore Nora. She is an exceptionally brilliant queen, and Ferelden is a better place for her rule. Besides that, she has proven to be a lovely and utterly trustworthy friend. I would like to believe the three of us have been good for each other.”

“She seems to have a remarkable gift for calming Thea down,” he observed dryly, and Cat giggled.

“As much as anyone ever can,” she shrugged. “Not like you, of course, but we do what we can. In any case, yes: I think my parents are planning some sort of formal handover in a couple of years, possibly on Thea’s thirtieth birthday. It will give them an excuse to throw a party for her even though she generally dislikes them.”

“And you are happy?”

“I am,” Cat acknowledged. “But then, this has always been my path: it has always been what I knew I wanted to do. Thea, not so much, but she has thrived despite her reluctance. That is a conversation you would have to have with her, however. For my part, I love the challenges. I love the opportunity to shape southern Thedas on such a massive scale, and I love the chance to meet people from all sorts of places. Besides all that, I have wonderful flexibility to work from home, though I admit I rarely do. My apartment is a bit, er,” she winced slightly, “Sparse.”

“Thea mentioned you still hadn’t really unpacked,” Nathaniel pointed out gently.

Cat sighed. “She is not wrong. I have been in that apartment for years now, and there are still boxes I have not done anything with. Honestly, most of it I can probably get rid of, but there are some mementos and keepsakes I would like to hang onto.” She brushed a stray strand of ginger hair away from her eyes, praying the motion would hide her blush. “I still have your old leather jacket,” she confessed. “I know it was your favorite, and I guess I thought you might want it back if you ever came home. I still take it out sometimes. Somehow, even after all these years, it still smells like you. Maybe I should have put it away somewhere, where I would not have been tempted to pull it out and put it on and sink into my memories of you.”

“Wildflower,” he rested his head against hers, “That is so impossibly sweet and heartbreaking and beautiful. It is you.”

She laughed quietly, the sound muffled against his chest. “Something like that, anyways. It always seemed to end up in me more frustrated than anything else, and no matter how hard I imagined, my hands were apparently nowhere near as good as yours.”

Nathaniel was quiet for a moment. “Well… in the interest of being honest… I spent more nights than I should probably admit to thinking about you in that jacket. _Just_ that jacket.”

She really laughed then, especially when she saw a faint blush rising in his cheeks. “You cannot possibly be embarrassed by that, my love,” she teased. “Not after what we did last night. In fact, I am half tempted to drag myself from this house just to go back to my apartment and retrieve that jacket now. I can’t promise it will live up to your imagination, but we could certainly test the theory.”

“I have no doubt the reality would be infinitely better,” Nathaniel reassured her, his expression relaxing back into the easy smile he seemed to save for her. “However, we also have plenty of time. Or at least, I certainly hope so?”

Cat nodded. “Of course. Honestly, I had not thought to ask you about any of that. After you told me you intended to stay, the rest of my thoughts went rather out the window,” she admitted. “Then we kissed, and then…”

“And then things went from amazing to perfect,” he finished for her, the heat in his voice sending a pleasant shiver down her spine. He gently tilted her chin up so that she was facing him, and she could see the calm certainty reflected in his grey eyes. “Cat, if you think there is a single maker-damned thing that could drag me away from you, _especially_ now that I know how you feel, you are very much mistaken.” He sealed the promise with his lips against hers, and Cat gladly allowed herself to get lost in his kiss. “I am staying right here,” he said when they parted, “And I plan on doing absolutely every creative thing I can think of to make up for leaving all those years ago.”

“I look forward to it,” Cat smiled. “In the meantime, however, I am guessing Thea has already pulled on one of the countless strings she controls and set you up with a job interview? I do not imagine she wasted any time, given how intent she has been on convincing you to stay.”

“A job, actually,” Nathaniel laughed. “She introduced me to her friend Dorian Pavus, and the contract was in my hands within twenty-four hours. I can see why she likes him: their minds both work incredibly quickly, don’t they?”

“They do, and yet they both have a tendency of still managing to let their mouths work quicker,” Cat deadpanned. “Which makes sense, in a way: they are actually distantly related. Did she tell you? That being said, Dorian is a wonderful man. Did either of them mention his husband works for Seawolf & Steed? He’s the second-in-command of our security. Bull is great, and a lot of fun. Just don’t let him talk you into a drinking contest: you’ll end up waking up on a pool table with flowers drawn on your face in eyeliner and two shoes that do not match and are quite possibly not even yours.”

Nathaniel snorted with barely repressed laughter. “Something you know from experience, love of mine?”

Cat rolled her eyes, but her heart was still practically glowing every time he used the endearment. “Just fair warning. There is exactly one person I’ve ever seen drink him under the table, and that is Thea, and even she was a little unsteady on her feet after that. And may in fact have been responsible for providing said eyeliner.”

Nathaniel nodded thoughtfully, a glint of humor still in his eyes. “That _does_ sound like Teddy Girl. I cannot decide if it was a good thing or not we were not aware of each other’s presence while we were both in Ostwick. From what it sounds like, had we been on speaking terms I would have ended up far less studious and gotten into far more trouble.”

“Ugh, you have no idea,” Cat groaned, sprawling out over the couch and letting her head rest in Nathaniel’s lap. “I still remember, more or less, my thirtieth birthday. It ended with very bad karaoke and worse appletinis. To this day, the smell of apple flavored liquor makes me nauseated. Come to think of it, Thea won’t touch it either, so maybe she _did_ learn a lesson.”

“Well, maybe you and I need to go out for some bad karaoke and questionable cocktails of our own to make up for it,” Nathaniel suggested, idly playing with her hair as she lay there. “I mean, I cannot sing to save my life, you know that, but I would love to hear you sing again. I have missed it terribly.”

She leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “You are very sweet,” she murmured, letting her eyelashes flutter every so delicately against his skin. “Though I fear you are giving me far too much credit.”

“I am not giving you nearly enough credit,” he countered. “Besides, last night notwithstanding, I fully intend on us going on proper dates. You do not deserve anything less. Starting tonight, if you are so inclined.”

“Very,” Cat agreed quickly, then gave a small breath of laughter. “I’m sorry. I think I am still just the slightest bit afraid this is a dream.” She reached a hand up to run her fingers through his hair, her touch tracing the arch of his neck down to his chest where she let it linger against the steady beat of his heart. “I think the only reason I know I am awake is because this is so much better than any dream I have ever had,” she spoke softly.

“I know, Wildflower. But I am real. _We_ are real. And I am never letting go. Not ever again, I promise.”

Cat nodded, letting his reassurances quiet her heart. “In that case… there is a really great Seheron place downtown. Then maybe we could swing by The Hanged Man for drinks? That is,” she paused, suddenly second-guessing herself, “If you are willing for this, for _us_, to be public? If you would rather not everyone knows yet, we can definitely go somewhere a little more low-key. The Hanged Man is kind of where everyone goes, at least in our social circle. Thea actually sings there, if you can believe it. If we go there, it will be announcing our relationship to, well, everyone.”

Nathaniel gave her a quiet smile. “Good,” he said, his tone certain. “I want everyone to know, Cat. I want the entire damn world to know that I love you, and that I am the luckiest man in existence because you love me, too.”

Cat was fairly certain her expression could have lit up the room at that point, she was so impossibly happy. “Then it’s a plan,” she said.

“It’s a date,” Nathaniel corrected gently, leaning down to brush a kiss to the tip of her nose, prompting a giggle. “Besides, thanks to your cousin, neither of us has to get up early tomorrow morning. We can go out and have fun and be irresponsible for a little bit. I promise, I will not let anyone draw on your face.”

“I am going to hold you to that,” she replied dryly.

“Speaking of,” Nathaniel continued, “I know it is probably none of my business, but I am going to ask anyways: is Thea seeing anyone? I still can’t believe she lives in that big house by herself.”

Cat sighed. “She has always valued her space, you know that. But to answer your question, no, she is not seeing anyone. She had a… I guess you’d call it a friends with benefits off and on situation with a mutual friend of ours, but it was never serious, and I think she eventually outgrew it. More accurately, I think Maecena ruined relationships for her for a good long while. Did she tell you?” When Nathaniel shook her head, Cat went on. “Her girlfriend in Ostwick. Nasty piece of work. She was incredibly emotionally abusive and manipulative to Thea, who refused to admit it for a long time. It didn’t end until Thea found out Mae was cheating on her with a guy who, as it turns out, was dating a girl in one of Thea’s classes. It was a horrible, painful, embarrassing mess, and Thea has not dated since.”

Nathaniel was quiet for a moment, but Cat could see the shadow of guilt pass over his face; knew he was regretting not being there to protect his best friend. “I see,” he finally said. “And are we going to talk about the Teyrn?”

Cat gave a snort of laughter. “That depends,” she replied, “On how badly you want to keep all of your more sensitive parts. You want my unofficial opinion?”

“Of course.”

“Our little Thea has a massive crush, although I am not certain that is the right word, given she will be twenty-nine in the spring. Nora desperately wants to set the two of them up, though of course we have not told Thea that.”

Nathaniel frowned slightly. “But aren’t Thea and Anora…”

“Yes,” Cat cut him off before he finished. She could guess what he was about to ask. “But remember: Loghain had Anora when he was young; barely twenty-one. There is an age difference, but you look me in the eye and tell me Thea has not always been eerily old for her age.”

“Fair point,” Nathaniel conceded. “I just… it is not at all what I expected from her. But I could see it working. Thea is an adult, and a highly intelligent one at that. She needs someone who is not afraid of her, or who will put her up on some pedestal. Somehow, I do not think he would.”

“Not in the slightest,” Cat agreed. She glanced at the clock. “Andraste take me, how have we been talking for three hours?”

“It feels more like thirty minutes,” he noted. “But since we should probably get up and do _something_, would you like to see something?”

Cat stood up and stretched, giving a soft sign of contentment as Nathaniel’s hands slipped easily beneath the hem of her shirt as he stood up behind her, and she leaned back into his arms. “I would absolutely love to,” she finally managed to say. “Upstairs?”

Nathaniel chuckled. “Yes, but maybe not what you are thinking. Although…”

She laughed, lacing her fingers easily with his and leading him towards the loft area. “I did not say we could not do that, too,” she pointed out. “But now you have me curious.”

Nathaniel led her into the small office alcove and opened the desk drawer. “I am having a friend of mine from the Marches ship the rest of my things down, including the rest of these, but here.” He handed her a flat, 8 x 10 envelope. Curious, she carefully opened it and removed the contents: a series of absolutely stunning photographs, both color and black and white; landscapes, cityscapes, and everything in between.

“Nathaniel,” she spoke in a hushed tone, “These are _gorgeous_. How long have you been doing this?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, his smile somewhere between cautious and hopeful. “Sometime in grad school? It started out as a hobby, but it was also part of what got me hired on with _Travels_: having a travel writer who was also his own photographer was a big money saver. Turns out I had a decent eye for it, so I invested in a good camera and some photo editing software, and here we are.” He hesitated for a moment, then asked, “Can you guess which one is my favorite?”

Cat carefully paged through the prints, studying each one and appreciating the composition and content before moving to the next. Finally, she came to one that made her heart skip a beat and a warmth bloom in her soul. It was a bit more worn than the others, and had obviously been in a frame at some point; pinned up at others. It had traveled, moving with Nathaniel from place to place. It was also the photo that, beyond a doubt, had been given the most care and consideration when it was taken: the lighting was flawless, and the shadows that danced on the edges added to rather than detracted from the final piece.

The scene was a wide expanse of meadow rolling gently down towards the sea, not so very different from where they were now, though this was obviously taken elsewhere. The sun was rising behind the tableau, casting the distant sea in a shimmering light and enhancing the brilliant array of colors brought forth by the wildflowers swaying in the breeze. Cat could practically feel the whisper of the breeze off the sea; smell the ethereal scents of blossoms in full bloom under an early summer sunrise.

“This one,” she whispered. “This one is your favorite.”

He nodded slowly. “Yes, Wildflower. Although, with your permission, I think I could have a new favorite. Think you might consider sitting for me one of these days?”

She set the photos aside, then arched onto her toes and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Absolutely.”

“While I’m pressing my luck anyways,” he spoke slowly, choosing his words with care, “I have something else to ask you.”

“Yes?”

“I know I just came home,” he said, tilting her chin up so that she was facing him. “I know I am damned lucky you have forgiven me, that you love me… all of it. I know we have lost too much time. But I don’t want to lose anymore. I meant what I said, Cat. I want you to stay with me. There isn’t much space, but I never intended to live here forever. Maybe we could start looking for a place together, or-”

She cut off the rest of his sentence with a kiss that started out soft, then grew steadily more intense until she was absolutely seeing stars when they parted. “Yes,” she whispered, breathless. “If you are certain you are willing to risk me having some horrible habits you do not find out about until after I have moved in, then absolutely, unequivocally, yes.”

He laughed, wrapping her up in his arms and spinning her around before setting her back down and kissing her again.

“I will take my chances.”


	9. A Serpent on a Bed of Leaves

_3 Firstfall, 9:39 Dragon_

“It is all relative, Nate,” Thea explained patiently. “I enjoy the process; therefore, it is not all that painful for me. Not exactly like petting kittens, mind, but not bad.”

Nathaniel shook his head with a slightly exasperated smile. The four of them, Cat, Nathaniel, Thea, and Anora, were sitting around Thea’s living room. Thea was sitting at Anora’s feet as the other woman carefully braided her hair, and Cat was sprawled out over the couch with her feet in his lap and a drink in her hand. He had a beer of his own, and he took a sip as he surveyed the surprisingly domestic scene in front of him. If someone had told him six months ago that he would be here, with three of the most powerful women in southern Thedas, drinking and swapping stories as they did each other’s hair, he would have said they were crazy. And yet…

Nathaniel had been back in Denerim for five months, and had finally screwed up the courage to ask his best friend about her ink. “And how many are you up to now?”

“Only five,” Thea replied calmly. “Although I have plans for at least one more.”

He glanced at her currently exposed skin. “I’m only counting four. Do I even want to know where the other one is?”

Anora laughed quietly, neatly pinning Thea’s braids as the latter rolled her eyes. “Here,” she said, standing up and lifting the hem of her cotton shorts up to her hip line. “See? A series of three bumblebees, for my friend Sera who, coincidentally, has done all of my work.”

Had it been anyone else, he may have been slightly embarrassed to see so much exposed skin, but it was Thea. He’d seen more than that just watching her dive headlong into the ocean when they were kids. “Somehow it suits you. And the one on your left ankle is the Tevene serpent for Dorian, I’m assuming?”

She nodded. “Yes. And then my right ankle-”

“Is the crown and roses,” Anora filled in. “For me, which I am still utterly and completely touched by.”

Thea blushed a bit at that, but simply shrugged. “You’re one of my best friends, Nora. Of course I had one done for you. You are, in fact, the only person I would have roses done for.” She sat up and retrieved her drink from the coffee table. “Why the interest, Nate? You thinking about having some work done? I’d love to have a BFF tattoo done with you.”

“Talk to your cousin,” he replied promptly. “She now has a vested interest in any and all modifications I make to my person.”

Cat giggled, shifting so that she was sitting beside him. “I think it would be very sweet,” she said, her tone innocent. “I have no particular desire to have anything done, but that shouldn’t stop you. Maker knows it hasn’t stopped her.”

“I’ll get some sketches to you,” Thea grinned. “I have some thoughts, if you’re serious about it.”

To Nathaniel’s great surprise, he actually was. “I will take it under consideration,” he replied. “Just… maybe nothing too extensive? I do not have quite the tolerance for pain that you do.”

Thea’s face lit up, and Nate could not help but smile at her. Things were not the same between them as they had once been: they were much better. Now, his best friend was not weighed down by the secrets she was holding for both him and Cataline, and the relief of it showed. She was still sharp tongued and sarcastic and had tendency to roll her eyes at displays of affection, but there was a softness to it all now. She was happier.

Void. They were _all_ happier.

“And where, pray tell, is the one for Cat?” He asked, and the familiar half-smile tilted at Thea’s lips.

“I do not have one yet,” she replied with a small shrug. “I have something in mind, though. Just waiting for the right moment, I guess. That will probably be next, I suspect, then whatever we go in together on.”

“Let me know what you two decide to go with,” Cataline chimed in, shifting her legs down and nestling up next to his chest. Nathaniel wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, exhaling a quiet sigh of contentment against her hair.

Thea nodded. “Of course, Catkin. I would not dream of marring that pretty skin of his without your blessing.”

Nathaniel rolled his eyes, but the women just giggled, and Thea began gathering up empty bottles and glasses. “Another round, anyone?”

“I can have one more,” Anora nodded, “But then I need to think about heading back. It has been a very, _very _long week, and I have a veritable mountain of emails I need to respond to before Monday.”

“I’ll have another,” Nathaniel added. “I don’t have anywhere else to be tonight, and it’s not like I have far to go.”

Thea nodded, passing around bottles and a bottle opener before settling back down on the floor. “True, though I am sure you are both eager for the construction to wrap up on your house.”

“Very,” Cat agreed. “And we are still utterly grateful you set that land aside for us.”

Thea just shrugged, but Nathaniel could see the slightest blush of color in her cheeks. “Of course I did, Cat. You know how completely selfish I am: this way I get to keep two of my favorite people in the world close by. Besides, you were over her more often than not even before he came back. This will just minimize your driving back and forth.”

Nathaniel reached out and gave her a gentle nudge with his foot. “You know, you are not nearly so cold and cynical as you like to pretend you are.”

“Hey, you take that back!” Thea protested, but she was smiling. “I am a horrid shrew, and you know it.”

“Regardless of your motivations, Teddy Girl, we appreciate it. It is going to be good to have a home, a _real_ home, where I belong,” Nathaniel said, and Thea’s expression softened ever so slightly.

“Yes, well,” she mumbled, brushing her hair away from her face. “I’m glad Gatsi was able to start work so quickly, and that thus far the weather has been favorable. Getting the framework and roofing done before the snows started was incredibly lucky.”

“And we have already lined up Vivienne to work with us on the interiors once construction finishes in the spring,” Cat noted. “She knows absolutely everyone in the design world, so her help will be invaluable.”

They settled into a companionable silence for a moment, sipping their drinks and watching as the first snow of the season fell in lazy drifts outside. Nathaniel had not been exaggerating: he was truly looking forward to having a permanent home that he and Cat could call their own. Thea had told her cousin about the land she had ceded to her shortly after Cat and Nathaniel had told her they were moving into the Loft together. After that, it had been a rapid succession of decisions and actions that lead to them drafting out plans for a house of their own to be built in the east woods, as well as the garden Cat had been dreaming of for years. Nathaniel finally had everything he had been dreaming of for years, and yet there was still a small, nagging voice in the back of his mind. A reality he still had not come to terms with.

“You seem particularly thoughtful, love,” Cat murmured softly, her lips brushing gently against his cheek as she spoke. “Is everything alright?”

He realized that Thea and Anora were also looking at him intently, and he sighed. “Everything is perfect, Wildflower. I was just thinking about… about my father. About the horrible, hideous reason I had to come back in the first place. It is difficult, because while coming back here was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me, part of me still desperately wishes it could have been for some other reason. I feel as though I am still somehow responsible for what he did; that if I had been here, maybe I could have stopped it.”

“Oh, Nate,” Cat sighed as she nuzzled her head against his shoulder. “There is absolutely nothing you could have done. Your father’s sins are not your own.”

“She is right, you know,” Anora spoke up, her tone even save for the faintest hint of an edge beneath the surface. “You were lucky you were not here, Nathaniel. I fear that, if you had been, your father would have made every effort to either rope you into his schemes, or to shift the blame of their failures onto you. You deserve better; you always have. Rendon Howe is exactly where he needs to be: locked up for the rest of his wretched life, where he cannot hurt anyone ever again.”

“I know,” Nathaniel exhaled deeply. “To be honest, Nora, I would not have blamed you one bit if you had taken his life for his actions. What he did to you, the Couslands, and the country, was unforgivable.”

“I very nearly did,” she pointed out softly. “Aside from the cacophony coming from everyone else who thought their opinion should matter, I had two very insistent, very opposing voices arguing for either his death or his imprisonment. And they are both in the room at the moment.”

Nathaniel sat up a little straighter, looking first at Cat and then at Thea. Cat’s eyes had fallen away, but he already knew she was the only reason his father had been allowed to live. Anora had already told him that much. Which meant…

He turned his attention to Thea, who met his gaze head-on. “You are not surprised,” she noted, her tone still conversational. “Good. I would have been disappointed if you had been. It would show you really do not know me at all.”

“No,” Nathaniel replied slowly, “I am not surprised.”

Thea tilted her chin a little higher, familiar defiance written in her expression. “He made my life the void, Nathaniel. And Cat’s, though I tried to make myself an easier target. Your leaving did not change a damn thing: he was still a monster and a bully, and he was the sole reason my best friend had abandoned us. When he tried to take away my other best friend and the only parents I’ve ever known, you are damn right I demanded his life. I wanted him to suffer like I had suffered; like I believed I would have to suffer for the rest of my life.”

“But I intervened,” Cat finally spoke up, her voice trembling slightly. “Final justice belonged to Anora, as the queen and as an injured party. My parents were allowed to make their own recommendations, but they were split as well. My father favored leniency, remembering the boy he had fought alongside all those years ago during the rebellions; remembering his friend, and the man he once was. My mother agreed with Thea. There had never been any love lost between her and Rendon, and she was appalled at the way he had treated Thea and myself long before his actions took a darker and more drastic turn. When he had the audacity to abduct Nora, who has always held a special place in her heart, and then attempted to murder herself and my father, that distaste flared into an intense hatred.”

She took a deep breath. “In the end, I asked Nora to spare his life. It was a selfish request, and perhaps it was not the right one, but I knew that if you ever found your way home, you would have questions. Questions I would not have the answer to; that no one would, save your father. Whether or not he will be inclined to provide them, I cannot say. But I could not close the door on that possibility without knowing how it would affect you.”

“And in the end,” Anora spoke up, glancing over at her friend, “Thea conceded. She withdrew her claim on Rendon’s life, though it was a valid and just one. She still refused to recommend mercy, but nor did she press for his death.”

Thea’s did look away then, pain and anger still smoldering in the storm of her eyes and a bitter twist to her lips. “I am not the Maker,” she finally muttered. “His life was not worth my soul. I still do not believe he deserves to be alive, but Cat had suffered enough. If making this single concession soothed her grief, then it was one I had to be willing to make.”

“And so here we are,” Cat whispered. “I suppose it had to come out eventually. I did what I thought was right at the time, but I have been dreading having to actually ask you if what I did was the correct choice.”

“Wildflower,” Nathaniel murmured, pulling her close to him and stroking her hair gently. Then, he reached out a hand and, after a moment of hesitation, Thea stood up and took it, and he was surprised to feel the hot sting of tears against his skin as she did. “You were both right. My father deserves to die. Part of me wishes he had. But part of me still wants to face him: to demand what answers he will give me, and to close that chapter of my life for good. You both advocated for what you thought was best, and I will not fault either of you for it. I love you. Both of you. And absolutely nothing is going to change that.”

“You are greatly underestimating my creativity,” Thea grumbled, but a smile was twitching at her lips as she leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

Anora stood up then, setting her bottle aside and clasping her hands neatly at her waist in what Nathaniel was realizing was a shift into her more official role as the queen of her nation. “Nathaniel, by my own decree your father is not supposed to have any visitors. He is meant to be left to die alone and miserable, and I intend to see that sentence through. However,” she paused, sighing quietly, “I am willing to make a single exception to this sentence. If you would like to confront him and demand the answers you seek, I am willing to grant you one afternoon. No more, no less.”

“Will I be allowed to go with him?” Cat spoke up.

“No, Cat,” Nathaniel shook his head, holding her closer. “I cannot do that to you. My father has done enough to you and your family. I refuse to give him the opportunity to do anymore harm.”

“And I am not permitted anywhere near him,” Thea interjected dryly. “Apparently I am considered a ‘security risk.’”

“Theadosia, you are considered a security risk simply by existing,” Anora retorted, but her smile was amused rather than annoyed. “But you are correct: I cannot allow you anywhere near Rendon Howe. It is not that I do not trust you: it is that I do not trust him, and should he start a fight, I have no doubt you would finish it, thus nullifying the point of the exercise.”

Thea shrugged. “As you will, Nora.” Then, she turned her attention back to Nathaniel, a shadow of concern in her eyes. “Are you absolutely certain this is what you want, Nate?”

He nodded.

“Yes. I will go and see my father.”

* * *

Nathaniel had felt so certain of his decision that night, in the warmth and comfortable familiarity of Thea’s living room, with Cat safe in his arms and the strength of Thea and Anora to draw on. Now, standing in front of the imposing gates of the Denerim Prison, informally known as ‘the dungeons,’ he was no longer so confident he had made the right choice.

Cat had made another offer to come with him, and he had come dangerously close to accepting. If anyone would have been able to make this unpleasant experience easier to bear, it would have been Cat, but he refused to put her through any more. Her emotional well-being was not worth it, and he was not going to be the one responsible for making her re-live the trauma she had suffered. No, he needed to do this alone.

Nathaniel needed to close this final chapter of his own life before he could open the next one, and he desperately wanted to turn that next page; had already spoken with Thea and received her promise of support and approval. He had not, of course, been foolish enough to ask for her blessing: Cat was a person, not a piece of property. Really, he had just needed the reassurance that he was not pushing things too fast, and Thea had been happy to grant him that much. This was one secret she was happy to hold onto, especially since she had not only been given a firm end date on it but had also been allowed to indulge her secret romantic side when she helped him design the ring, introducing him to her friends Sera and Dagna to assist.

He took a deep breath, then stepped forward, handing over the document with Anora’s signature and royal seal to the guard at the front gate. The woman read it over briefly, a slight raise of her eyebrows the only hint of surprise she betrayed before she opened the gate and he stepped through. Nathaniel was greeted by another guard who led him into the main building, through a series of security checkpoints, and then deeper into the bowels of the prison. He was glad for the guide, as they had taken so many turns and elevators and gone through so many doors he was certain he would never be able to find his way out again, even with his skills as a navigator and tracker.

Finally, they reached a solid, sealed door set away from any others. The guard produced a series of keys, both physical and electronic, and one by one unlocked the door before ushering Nathaniel in. There, sitting across a table and behind a solid pane of glass, was his father. Rendon Howe looked even more sallow and bitter than Nathaniel had remembered, and the heavy shackles and chains holding him in place made him look somehow smaller than he had once seemed. Without speaking, he took the chair opposite him, folding his hands on the table and waiting for his father to make the first move. He was not disappointed.

“So. Come to stare at the condemned? Or are you simply here to gloat?”

“Neither,” Nathaniel shrugged. “I came for answers.”

His father sneered, the expression striking a familiar chord in Nathaniel’s memory. It had, after all, been the default when it came to him and Delilah. “And what makes you think I will be inclined to answer anything for you, boy? You were always such a disappointment. The only smart decision you ever made was running away to the Marches with your tail between your legs.”

“Yes, clearly I was the disappointment,” Nathaniel shot back. “Rather than precious Thomas, who nearly stole three innocent lives through his own selfish stupidity. He was lucky he was the only one who died in that accident. I read the news report: his blood alcohol was so high they were not even certain if it was the crash that killed him, or sheer alcohol poisoning.”

“Do not _dare_ speak of your brother that way,” Rendon snarled. “He was the only one of the three of you with any potential.”

“If you mean the potential to be a monstrous human being with no consideration for anyone or anything beyond his own ambitions, then yes, you are correct,” Nathaniel agreed. “As far as why you will answer me? Simple: your own hubris. You have been locked in this cell alone for years, and as I was only granted a single royal exception to visit you, I will be the last face you see for the rest of your pathetic life. Now, if you are not inclined to answer my questions, I will simply walk out that door and back to my life which, I have to say, has been infinitely improved by your incarceration. The choice is yours.”

Rendon seemed to consider this for a moment, his lips twisting into a cruel line. “Ask,” he finally spat, his eyes narrowed.

“How did you _possibly_ think this was a good idea?” Nathaniel asked quietly. “You have always been ambitious, driven… ruthless, even. All this I knew, but Bryce Cousland was your friend. You grew up with him, fought alongside him. He gave you a position with Seawolf & Steed when no one else wanted to touch you.” He saw his father’s shoulders stiffen slightly at that. “What, you think we didn’t know? Our family name could only carry you so far, and after the war you burned nearly all your bridges. Bryce was the only one was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. So why did you betray him? Why did you try to have him and Eleanor murdered?”

His father glared at him. “Because I deserved _more_,” he hissed. “Our family line is just as old as the Cousland or the Mac Eanraig, and yet they have flourished while I was left to rot in Amaranthine. All my talents, put to waste. But I bided my time, because I believed that someday the entire enterprise would be mine. If the Couslands had ceded control of the company to me after their retirement, it would have been a simple enough matter to force Margot Trevelyan out. But no: they made the decision to pass control to their daughter and their niece, two air headed harlots who had earned none of what I had. So I took matters into my own hands, and sought to seize what had been stolen from me; what should have rightfully been mine.”

“You are delusional,” Nathaniel said, shaking his head in disbelief. “I knew you must have lost your mind, but this…”

Rendon gave a sharp bark of laughter. “You know nothing of madness, boy. But you’ve asked a question, now I have one of my own: why did you return? Surely not just to needle me over actions already past. Perhaps you finally bedded the Cousland girl? I suppose I cannot accuse you of not having good taste. She certainly grew into that body, didn’t she?”

Nathaniel could feel rage rising in his chest, but before he could speak his father continued, reading his anger all too well. “Or perhaps you gave up on her. Did you finally realize you would never be good enough for her? That no Howe would ever be good enough for the precious Cousland daughter? I suppose you may have simply settled for the orphan brat. Damn good body on that one too, for all that she has a mouth on her. Though, I imagine you could probably find a better use for it than she currently does.” Rendon smirked unpleasantly. “Rebellious little bitch. Still, I bet she would be a decent enough fuck if you could break that spirit.”

Nathaniel took a long, slow breath. At the moment, he wanted nothing more than to shatter the unbreakable glass between them and strangle his father to death with his bare hands; to teach him he could not say such ugly things about the women he loved most in this world. But that would not get him anywhere: Rendon would be punished by the long, unforgiving march of years as he sat stewing and bitter in his own solitude. No, he could do nothing to punish his father for the poison he was spewing. All he could do was try to strain some dregs of truth from it.

“You would have murdered them, too, wouldn’t you?” He pressed, his tone low but dangerous. “You would not have stopped with Bryce and Eleanor. They would have written in provisions to their will; a plan to have control of the company pass to Cat and Thea in the even anything happened to them. You would have seen the entire family massacred, all in the name of your own stupid, selfish ambition. Because in your pathetic little mind you believed you were somehow entitled to more.”

“Of course I would have,” Rendon replied, rage and fury creeping into his tone and raising the volume of his words. “Do you have any idea what that kind of power demands of a person, Nathaniel? The sacrifices one must be willing to make? I would have dragged our family to greatness, despite your best efforts to keep us mired in mediocrity. A few lives would have been a small price to pay for our own security.”

“That is not security, it is murder!” Nathaniel was struggling to keep from shouting, now. “We had a good life, or at least we would have if you had been willing to even put up an illusion of being a decent father. But you never cared about anyone but yourself, did you? Not mom as she lay there dying while you were off doing god knows what with that awful Sophie woman. Not Delilah, who had to learn to simply stay out of your way so your temper was not turned on her. Not me, who tried so hard to be the son you wanted, even when every piece of evidence showed me what a piece of shit you were underneath the snakeskin. I think the only reason you favored Tommy so much was because he was a perfect little carbon copy of you: an oil slick that reflected every hateful part of you back in perfect, hideous detail.”

“Thomas was everything you were not,” Rendon snarled, and Nathaniel gave a dry bark of laughter.

“Oh, on that you and I can agree,” he replied bitterly. “I do not think you could give me higher praise if you tried.”

His father glared at him, madness smoldering in his eyes. “If that little bitch Cataline had a brain in her skull, she would have accepted what Thomas offered her. But no: he wasn’t good enough for her. No one was. You managed to ruin that, too, didn’t you? You were always weak. Couldn’t even manage to fuck the girl when she was practically throwing herself on her, instead just letting your feelings for her blind you to the ways hers could be used to your advantage. To _our_ advantage.”

“The only thing I was blind towards was how much of a monster you truly were,” Nathaniel replied, the calm in his voice surprising him a bit as he stood and pressed the button for the guard. “Up until I came home I still thought that you were, somewhere deep down, still redeemable. You will be pleased to know you have thoroughly disabused me of that idea. Even better, you will never be burdened with my presence again. I am going to walk out those doors a free man. I am going to go home to the love of my life, and to my best friend, and I am going to live an existence full of all the love and belonging you were so sure you could deny me. You, on the other hand, will be left her to rot alone in the dark, a selfish, stupid man left alone with the consequence of his atrocities.”

With that, Nathaniel turned and walked through the door as the guard opened it. Behind him, Rendon had begun to scream a string of obscenities and aberrations, but Nathaniel heard none of it. He followed his escort back through the maze of corridors and checkpoints and back out to the front doors. His heart felt lighter than it had in years and, more to the point, he felt as though he accomplished exactly what he had set out to do: when the iron door had closed behind him it had emphatically sealed away his father and the darkest parts of his past. Now, he could move forward.

When he emerged from the prison the winter sun had emerged from behind the clouds, and he had to blink a few times to allow his eyes to adjust. When they did, he was surprised to find Cataline waiting for him by his car, a gentle smile on her lips. He returned the expression as he approached her, wrapping her in his arms and holding her close for a moment before he spoke.

“What are you doing here, Wildflower?” He asked softly, opening the car door for her. “I hope you haven’t been standing out here in the cold too long.”

“Thea dropped me off a few minutes ago,” she explained. “I did not want you to be alone after… after you had to go through that. Are you alright?”

He slipped into his own seat, then reached out a hand to lace his fingers with hers. “I think so,” he said slowly. “The questions I needed answered have been answered. I know I ought to feel sorry for him, left alone to live out the rest of his miserable life in that hole, but after what he said I do not. I merely think he was lucky there was a sheet of solid glass between us or I may well have torn his heart from his chest myself.” Nathaniel sighed, but there was no judgement in Cat’s violet eyes as she looked at him, only sympathy. “I am glad you are here, Cat. I am glad I have you, and your love. That is all I really need. Now,” he pressed a brief kiss to her cheek before turning the key in the ignition.

“Let’s go home.”


	10. You Keep Me Still

Farther up the hill, the cheerful colored lights lining the windows and eaves of Thea’s house cast a festive glow on the delicate blanket of white snow covering the ground. Already there were several cars in the driveway, and a series of people passing in front of the kitchen windows, helping Thea prepare Satinalia Eve dinner. It had become a tradition ever since she had returned from the Marches herself: while it had always been just the two of them, now the three of them, on Satinalia Day, Thea made a point of surrounding herself with people the evening before. A chance for them all to gather and relax, and to share in some of the infectious cheer of the season that even the normally cranky Thea was not immune to.

“You know, we should probably get dressed and actually go up to help,” Cat murmured, her lips tracing lazy kisses against the bare skin of Nathaniel’s chest.

“Probably,” he agreed, but he made no move to get up, instead simply running a hand up and down the length of her back. “I am awfully comfortable here, though. What are the odds Teddy Girl will lecture us if we don’t make an appearance?”

Cat giggled softly, leaning up to brush her lips to his. “Pretty good, unfortunately. This is the one big party she throws every year, and it is incredibly draining for her. You know she tends to avoid crowds, but she adores these people, and some of them either can’t make it home to their own families for the holidays, or are not welcome there. Her house is a safe haven for anyone she invites within its walls, and she would not abandon them for anything.”

“No, I can’t imagine she would, having been too often abandoned herself,” Nathaniel noted quietly, and Cat nuzzled her head briefly against his shoulder.

“Something like that,” she said. “And I have it on good authority she has put in extra effort this year. Something about welcoming home her long lost best friend?”

Nathaniel laughed quietly. “She really shouldn’t have. Maker knows I don’t deserve it.”

“I would beg to differ,” Cat countered. “This is the first Satinalia we will all be together in years, and I cannot tell you how happy that makes us both. It is certainly something worth celebrating, and do not let her hear you say otherwise. If she is cross she may not let you have any of the traditional Satinalia ham, and I know she had Isabela smuggle her some of that Rivaini spice blend she likes so much. Trust me: it will be worth dragging ourselves out of bed for that.”

“You know, you say that…” Nathaniel teased, rolling over and pressing his body against hers, earning a small protest and a fresh wave of laughter from the woman in his arms. “Oh, alright,” he finally conceded with a mock sigh. “I suppose we best put on some clothes and make an appearance before she comes to drag us up there herself.”

“And she absolutely would,” she agreed, rolling over and stepping towards the drawers she had claimed in their dresser. One thing she was looking forward to in the new house: enough space for them to each have their own wardrobes. Although she had to admit the close proximity made it easier for her to occasionally steal pieces from his side of the closet. She pulled on her favorite pair of jeans and a soft sweater in a pale shade of blue embroidered with silver snowflakes before sitting back down and watching Nathaniel dig out his own outfit and not even trying to hide the look of appreciation she ran over his bare back. He caught her eyes in the mirror and smiled.

“Like what you see, Wildflower?”

She laughed, then stood up and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head against his back. “Always,” she confirmed, breathing a contented sigh. “I love you so much, Nathaniel. I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I am to finally be together again for the holidays.”

“Me too, Cat,” he murmured, turning around so that they were facing each other. He set a gentle hand against her cheek before tilting her face up and leaning down to kiss her. “I love you.”

Even now, after having been living together and sharing their lives and their love, she still felt a bloom of warmth in her heart every single time he said those three little words. “I love you too, Nate,” she smiled. “So, you ready to go up, face the masses?”

He blanched slightly. “I don’t know, Cat. There is a less than zero chance that a lot of the people in there absolutely hate me after I walked out on you. And the ones that don’t hate me for that probably hate me for walking out on Thea.”

“Nate, you know that’s not true,” Cat assured him, rubbing a soothing hand up and down his back. They had been taking it slowly, reintroducing him into her life and to her friends, new and old. Leliana had welcomed him back with open arms, but she knew just how desperately Cat had missed him. Outside of Thea, Leliana was her closest friend, and she told her everything. Of course, even if she didn’t, Lel probably would have found out anyways: you did not get to be the spymaster of Ferelden’s intelligence bureau by not having a nose for information and a gift for subtlety. And of course Dorian was still over the moon at having such a competent and exceptional writer and photographer working for him. This party, however, was the first time he would be meeting their extended circle of friends, and she could not blame him for being slightly daunted at the prospect.

“It will be fine, my love,” she promised. “Like I said: Thea’s house is a safe haven. Even if for some unfathomable reason someone wanted to pick a fight, which they will not, they would not dare do it under her roof. Even Morrigan and Vivienne put aside their bickering for the most part, which is a bit of a Satinalia miracle, really. You of all people ought to know that Thea’s wrath is not something to tempt. Besides, it is all a moot point.” She arched up onto her toes and pressed a brief kiss to his nose. “Because they are going to absolutely love you.”

He finally cracked a smile. “Ok, Wildflower. You know I would do anything for you, regardless.”

When they made it up to the main house they kicked the snow off their boots before slipping them off in the mud room and hanging up their coats and hats. The kitchen was a hub of cheerful activity, and when they caught Thea’s attention she set aside the pie she had just pulled out of the oven and came over to wrap them both in a warm hug. “I was beginning to wonder if the two of you were ever going to show,” she grumbled with mock annoyance, and Nathaniel laughed as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

“Blame your cousin,” he said. “It is not my fault she is impossible gorgeous and sexy and-”

“And you are giving me _far_ too much credit,” Cat interrupted, dropping a kiss on Thea’s cheek before nabbing a cookie from a cooling rack.

“You are going to spoil your appetite,” Thea pointed out dryly, “And if you keep being so impossibly perfect together you might spoil mine as well.”

“Liar,” Cat laughed, and Thea just rolled her eyes with a smile.

“Perhaps,” she conceded, then returned her attention to the dinner preparations, leaving Cat and Nathaniel to wander amongst the guests. They poured themselves a glass of wine from the extensive selection that had been laid out on the kitchen counter, then meandered out to the living room where most of the guests were lounging and chatting in amiable tones. The chatter paused just briefly as they entered, but picked up again without missing much more than a beat. Leliana stood up from where she had been sitting cross-legged on the floor and approached them.

“Cat, Nathaniel,” she greeted them, pressing a brief kiss to their cheeks. “It is so good to see you. Finally,” she amended with a sly smile creeping over her face. “You are fortunate Thea did not follow through on her threat to have us all being clapping once you walked in the door.”

Nathaniel stared at her, slightly aghast. “She wouldn’t.” He sighed, shutting his eyes briefly. “Of course she would.”

Leliana gave a delicate laugh behind her hand. “Fortunately for you, she got distracted. But really, how are you two? I feel as though we have not had time to sit down and chat for just ages, have we?”

“We’re great,” Cat replied, a smile blooming bright on her face. “Really great. You are right, though: things have been busy, with getting the house built and work and just…”

“Making up for time lost?” Leliana filled in gently, and they both nodded. “I can certainly understand that.” She turned to face Nathaniel, her expression thoughtful. “It is good that you came back,” she said, “You have made my dear friend very happy. Happier than I have ever seen her, in fact, and I am grateful for that.”

Cat felt Nathaniel wrap an arm around her waist, and she let him pull her closer to him. “I am the one who is grateful, Leliana,” he replied quietly. “Both to have the love of my life back, and that you did not have me assassinated in my sleep for having caused her so much pain.”

She gave a surprised breath of honest laughter then. “That is fair,” Leliana nodded in mock sagacity. “I will not lie: the thought crossed my mind.”

Her friend was obviously teasing, but Cat felt the need to come to Nathaniel’s rescue nevertheless. “Hey, at least he came back!” She pointed out, “And besides, he has been doing an _exceptional_ job of making up for all those years we weren’t together.”

“Oh I would argue I have not even begun to scratch the surface on that account,” Nathaniel shrugged, but Cat could hear just the faintest hint of suggestion in his tone that sent a pleasant shiver down her spine. “But I certainly intend to spend the rest of my life doing so, or for at least as long as she’ll put up with me.”

Cat leaned back and looked up to face him, but for some reason Nathaniel was currently avoiding her gaze even as he kept a protective arm around her. Leliana’s smile had widened, however, and Cat suddenly felt her heartbeat race a little faster. _Does this mean that he… is he going to…_

“I am pleased to hear it. You two really make an absolutely flawless couple, if I may be so bold, and you are obviously hopelessly devoted to one another. It has been so wonderful to have something good and beautiful and light amidst all the chaos of the world. ” Leliana’s words broke the spell Cat’s heart had been weaving around her thoughts, but she still could not shake the possibility, the sheer blind hope that he had meant what she thought he did.

That he wanted to marry her.

“Thank you, Lel,” Cat replied, genuinely touched by the rare show of romanticism from her friend. So much of Leliana’s optimistic and open nature had been buried or scorched over the years, so the fact she was willing to say such things to them was a true testament both of their friendship and of just how much the other woman believed in them. “And thank you for all the years you spent listening to me pine over him.”

“Of course,” Leliana gave a small trill of laughter. “What else are friends for? However, now it appears as though Thea needs to steal your attention, so I will leave you to her. We’ll chat later though, yes?” And with that, she slipped away and back towards the corner where Josephine and Vivienne were discussing the latest trends in the Antivan wine markets. True to her prediction, Thea soon approached them.

“Mind if I borrow you two for just a bit?” She asked, her tone uncharacteristically uncertain. “I’d like to show you something, but maybe not in front of the Maker and everyone first?”

Nathaniel nodded, lacing his fingers easily with Cataline’s as they followed Thea upstairs to one of the guest bedrooms. She gestured for them to sit on the edge of the bed before taking a place in front of them. Her left hand kept moving to her right forearm as if she wanted to rub the spot, but just as quickly she stopped herself. Cat frowned slightly, reaching out a hand to take Thea’s, who looked up at her as though she had almost forgotten they were there. “Are you alright, Thea? You are awfully jumpy. Have you eaten anything today? I knew I should have come up here sooner…”

Thea shook her head emphatically. “No, I mean, yes? I’m fine. I’ll eat dinner with everyone else; haven’t really had time with all the party prep?”

Cat felt a twinge of guilt. Normally, she would have been helped Thea with the preparations, just as she had every year. It was a lot of work, getting everything ready for this many people, but her cousin had insisted that she would handle it so that Cat and Nathaniel could just spend a quiet day together. And Cat was incredibly grateful for it, but she was not beginning to suspect that by ‘handle it’ Thea had not simply asked someone else for help, but had instead tried to do everything on her own. Really, Thea had been doing a _lot_ on her own ever since Nathaniel came back.

“Teddy, what is up?” Nathaniel prodded gently, but Cat would swear she heard an undercurrent of nervousness in his tone as well.

“It isn’t anything bad,” Thea replied quickly. “At all, or at least, I hope not? I’m sorry,” she sighed. “I haven’t the slightest idea why I am so anxious about this.” She gave a sheepish shrug, then managed to crack a small half smile. “You know that I am thrilled beyond all reason that you two have found your way back to each other, yes?”

“Oh Thea, of course we do,” Cat reassured her, reaching out and catching Thea’s left hand in her own. “We both know you love us, and have always ever wanted us to be happy.”

For some reason, Thea’s answering smile seemed slightly sad. “Exactly,” she agreed. “I love you both, so much, and it has been wonderful to see the two of you not only admit your love for each other, but to see the way it had blossomed and grown in ways I could have never even dreamed of. You two mean the world to me, and I just wanted to let you know how much joy you bring me simply by being you. Now, I of course have your ‘official’ Satinalia presents downstairs under the tree, but there was something else I wanted to give you. A thank you, for everything you have been to me, and a promise that I will always be there for you, too.”

She took a deep breath, then carefully slipped her hand out of Cat’s and rolled up the right sleeve of the midnight blue sweater she was wearing. There, on the underside of her forearm, was a beautifully inked new tattoo: two crossed arrows rendered in minute and flawless detail and bound by a series of delicate vines and leaves and vibrant wildflowers. It was clearly fresh; the ink was still shiny against Thea’s pale skin. Cat knew better than to reach out and touch the design, though she desperately wanted to.

“I would never in a million years ever presume to tell either of you that you need a partner or a lover to somehow be complete,” Thea spoke quietly, but some of her normal strength had returned to her voice. “But some silly part of me has held off on having a piece done for Cat all these years because I believed, I hoped, that by not etching it on my body, it meant there was still hope that Nate would come home. That you two would figure your shit out and maybe we could be a family. I mean, I still need to actually have something done _just_ for Cat now, since I’m fair certain I’ve got Nate sold on doing something with me, but for now…” She hesitated, and Cat was surprised to see the faint sheen of tears in Thea’s eyes. “For now, I am simply overjoyed that I was finally able to have this done.”

“Oh, Thea,” Cat stood up and wrapped the younger woman in her arms, hugging her tightly. Thea had not said the words, but Cat could read between the lines. Thea never had a tattoo done on a whim: they were carefully thought out and considered, and there was always a deep meaning behind them. This piece clearly said that Thea believed that Cat and Nathaniel were forever; that they would always be bound by love and trust and devotion.

And Cat realized she believed that too.

Nathaniel stood up slowly, then bent down and pressed a long kiss to Thea’s forehead. When he straightened, they exchanged a look, and Thea gave her best friend an almost imperceptible nod.

“Thea? May I have a minute alone with Cat?”

The faintest ghost of a smile flickered over Thea’s lips. “Of course, Nate. I will be downstairs getting dinner on the table.” With that, she slipped her sleeve back down over her new ink, then padded quietly back out into the hall, shutting the door behind her.

Nathaniel took a deep breath, then turned to face her. Despite every reasonable fiber of her being telling her to calm down, Cat felt her heart racing and a surge of nerves. At Nathaniel’s invitation, she sat back down on the edge of the bed, although he remained standing. He took another long inhale and slow exhale, then spoke.

“Cat,” he said gently, “My Wildflower. When I came back to Denerim, I never dared to hope I would end up where I am now. I had dreamed of it, of course, more times than I can count. I had dreamed of coming home to you, and finally telling you just how hopelessly and desperately in love with you I am. After everything that happened, however, I did not think there was any possibly way you could ever forgive me for what I had done; what my father had done to your family. I knew I had no right to ask that forgiveness of you, just like I had no right to think that maybe you might feel for me the same way I feel for you.”

He stepped closer to her, placing a gentle hand on her cheek, and Cat managed a soft, tentative smile. “Imagine my disbelief,” he continued, “When not only were you willing to grant me the grace of your forgiveness, but that you embraced my love with your own. Every single day I wake up with you lying beside me, safe and warm and real, is a realization of every single one of those hopeless dreams I lived with for so long, and the knowledge that it has all somehow become real still absolutely floors me. I worried, sometimes, that after all that time apart we would simply be different people. And I think we are, but somehow those differences have only made me fall in love with you even more. Every single day I have with you is a gift, and I treasure each and every one beyond what clumsy words I can manage.”

With that, he reached into his pocket and withdrew a small wooden box that, quite honestly, Cat was not certain how he had managed to slip past her. Her heart was practically pounding out of her chest now, and her hands were trembling just slightly as the man she loved more than life itself, the man she had loved nearly her entire life, went down on one knee and opened the box, revealing a beautiful golden ring, woven with delicate wildflowers and set with a series of alexandrite stones that echoed the color of her eyes.

His gaze met hers, and the look of hope and nerves and love she saw there nearly cracked through the thin veneer of poise she was still maintaining. “I was going to wait until tomorrow, until Satinalia morning,” he admitted, “But I think we’ve both waited long enough, haven’t we, my love? Cataline Alexandria Cousland,” Nathaniel said, “Will you marry me?”

Cat slipped from the edge of the bed, falling to her knees in front of him and throwing her arms around his neck. Her lips crashed into his, nearly sending them both tumbling to the floor, but he managed to catch her and hold them both steady as he kissed her back. Of course he did; he always had, and Cat had no doubt he always would. Even after everything that had happened, and after all the time they had been apart, their love for each other had survived; had in fact somehow become even stronger for having been tested and tempered. They could, and would, survive absolutely anything the rest of the world threw at them. And now Cat knew he believed it, too.

“Should I take that as a yes?” Nathaniel asked, slightly breathless as they finally parted. Cat laughed, cupping his cheeks in her hands and pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose.

“Nate, _of course_ it is a yes,” she whispered, her voice shaking a bit under the weight of all the emotions vying for priority in her heart. He smiled, carefully taking the ring from the box which, Cat could see now, was carved with the same wildflower motif that was on the band. Nathaniel slipped it on her finger, lifting her hand to brush a brief kiss over her it before wrapping her in his arms and simply holding her close against him.

“I realize this is all a bit fast,” he noted, “But I have loved you for as long as I can remember, and I know this is where I am meant to be: wherever you are. You are my home, Wildflower, and you have my heart. If you want to make it a long engagement, I am willing to wait for you as long as I need to, but-”

She silenced him with a gentle kiss. “Justinian,” she murmured, her lips still lingering over his. “That gives us six months. Plenty of time to plan, and our house will hopefully be finished by then.”

The way his smile lit up at her suggestion practically made her melt. “Anything for you, Cat. I would marry you tomorrow if you asked me to.”

Cat giggled, settling down on the floor and nestling up next to him when he did the same. “It is awfully tempting,” she admitted, “But I have always wanted us to have a real wedding. Nothing big or anything, but just something small with our closest friends and family. Maybe down on the beach. That’s why I picked Justinian: the weather should be cooperative, and not too windy.” She gave a dreamy sigh. “I want a lace dress, I think. Ivory, not stark white. And wildflowers for my bouquet and in my hair.”

“That sound perfect, Cat,” Nathaniel agreed, and she could hear the smile in his tone. “So, now the second big question.”

“Oh?”

He chuckled quietly, standing up and reaching his hands down to help her. “Which one of us gets Thea? Do we flip a coin? Rock paper scissors?”

Cat laughed, her hands still holding Nathaniel’s. “You, I think. First of all, it will amuse her to no end to get to be somebody’s ‘best man.’ Second, as much as I always imagined she would be my maid of honor, somehow this feels right. I will ask Anora if she would be willing to step into that role, but can you honestly tell me there is anyone else you would rather have at your side?”

“No,” Nathaniel answered, a quiet smile tilting at his lips. “I appreciate it, Cat. Speaking of… think we should go make our announcement to the masses? I suspect they may be holding up dinner for us, and we both know she has not eaten yet today.”

Cat pressed one more kiss to his cheek. “You are right.” She held out her hand, unable to resist the temptation to admire her ring a final time before they walked back out into the chaos. She opened the door and they walked downstairs. To her immense surprise, Thea and the rest of the guests were not in the dining room at all. Instead, every single one of them was gathered in the front sitting room and, when Cat and Nathaniel descended, the entire party broke out in enthusiastic applause and calls of congratulations. Cat grinned, holding up her left hand and displaying the ring there.

She was almost immediately swarmed by people wanting a closer look, or who wanted to hug her or Nathaniel and to offer their good wishes. Cat’s heart felt so full it might burst, so she was relieved when the others began slowly filtering into the dining room for dinner and she was able to breathe and take a quiet moment with her fiancé and her cousin. She reached out, taking Thea’s hand in hers and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“So certain I would say yes, were you?” Cat teased, and Thea just gave a small shrug.

“Of course I was, Catkin,” she replied primly. “Honestly, it was that knowledge that made waiting all the more excruciating. I’ve been keeping this under wraps for weeks now.” She shifted so that she could face Nathaniel. “I’m glad you decided to do it tonight instead of tomorrow. It made for much more dramatic pre-dinner entertainment.”

“So glad we could be of assistance,” Nathaniel deadpanned, but he reached over and took her free hand in his, and Thea’s face lit up with one of her rare, honest, full smiles.

“I am so, so impossibly happy for both of you,” she said, and Cat could hear the sincerity in her voice. “It has been so long, and… and I am just so glad you have each other. You two deserve nothing but the best, and now I know you have found it.”

“Thea, neither of us would be here without you,” Nathaniel pointed out, pressing a kiss to the back of her hand. “And do not think for one moment that just because we are finally doing what we should have done years ago means that our love for you is going to change one bit. You will always be my Teddy Girl, and you will always be my family.”

“Of course,” Cat nodded. “You will always be my best friend and favorite cousin who really ought to be called my sister, if we are being honest.”

Thea gave them a small smile, but Cat could not shake the feeling that there was a sadness there just behind her eyes that had nothing to do with Cat and Nathaniel’s engagement. “I know. I love you both. Now,” she stood up and planted her hands on her hips. “We should really go try and grab some dinner before it disappears. I did not spend all day in the kitchen just to miss out on that ham because I am swooning over the two of you being all perfect together and what not.”

“Fair enough,” Cat laughed. “But I think Nate has something to ask you before we do.”

“Oh! Yes,” Nathaniel said. “Thea, you are my best friend and yes, near enough my sister the technicalities don’t matter, and I would be honored if you would agree to be my best… er… woman?”

Thea gave a snort of laughter, but Cat could see she was biting back another smile. “Of course, Nate,” she replied, wrapping him up in the kind of fierce hug that was unique to her. “But I’m not wearing shoes, so you get that idea out of your head right now.”

He laughed, and wrapped an arm around Cat as she hugged them both as well.

“Deal.”


	11. And You've Got Me Now

_17 Justinian, 9:40 Dragon_

Cataline could not stop smiling.

If she was not careful, her cheeks were going to be hurting like mad by the time she finally walked down the aisle, but at the moment she simply could not help herself. She was gloriously, deliriously happy, and her face was radiant with that joy. She was trying to sit still as Anora carefully wove small wildflowers into the ginger waves of hair that tumbled down her back, but even that was proving to be a challenge. Fortunately, Anora seemed more amused than anything else.

“You, my darling, are practically glowing,” she observed, her delicate fingers placing the last of the flowers in Cat’s hair. “I am so happy for you.”

“Thank you, Nora,” Cat replied, flashing her dear friend a smile in the mirror. “I am impossibly ready for this.”

“Are you nervous?”

Cat shook her head. “No… I thought I might be, when I used to dream about my wedding day when I was younger. Everyone else I ever saw got married seemed to be nervous, or jumpy, so I thought that was normal?” She hesitated, wondering if she could, or if she _should_, ask the question she wanted to, but of course Anora seemed to already know what she was thinking.

“Yes, Catkin,” she said with a quiet laugh, “I admit I was a bit nervous that day. No matter how much I had been prepared for it, I still had some butterflies in my stomach. Cailan and I had been expected to end up together practically since we were born, although I suspect my father began questioning the wisdom of us together by the end. Still, we loved each other in our way, and our marriage, brief as it ended up being, was a happy one.”

Cat turned around and took Anora’s hands in hers. “I’m glad,” she spoke quietly. “I am so sorry he died, Nora, but I’m glad that what time you did have together, you were happy.”

Anora seemed to hesitate for a moment, then nodded slowly. “For the most part, yes,” she agreed, almost speaking to herself, then she took a breath and reverted back to her usual poise. “Anyways. Today is about you and Nathaniel and celebrating _your_ love, and the fact you two finally figured it out. Let’s see, your hair and makeup are done, so let’s get you into your dress.”

The gown was absolutely gorgeous, and exactly what Cat had asked Vivienne for: an overlay of ivory lace on top of a satin gown that would just barely brush the sand as Cat walked along the beach for the ceremony. It left her shoulders bare and dipped perhaps a little lower in front than she should have asked for, but she loved it, and the fabric clung to her in all the best possible ways. Cat actually _felt_ beautiful. The delicate wildflower earrings Nathaniel had given her as an engagement gift twinkled from her ears, and her mother had lent her the same elegantly simple gold bangle bracelet Eleanor had worn at her own wedding all those years ago.

She slipped out of the bathrobe she’d been wearing and let Anora help her step into the whispering folds of fabric, careful not to catch any of the delicate lace detailing on anything. Then, as Anora was doing up the extensive line of buttons in the back, a quietly amused voice spoke up from the door to her bedroom.

“Damn, Catkin,” Thea observed, “You go out there looking like that, you’re like to leave Nate outright speechless.”

Cat giggled, reaching out a hand to Thea. Her cousin looked stunning as well, though she knew the younger woman would never accept the compliment. She had gone back and forth for a long time as to whether she wanted to wear a suit or a dress, and had finally settled on impossible soft grey linen pants that Vivienne’s seamstresses had perfectly tailored to hit ever curve of her body, and a silk blouse in a dreamy shade of lilac that would be echoed in Nathaniel’s tie and the flowers in Cat’s hair. The sleeves were already rolled up past Thea’s elbows and there was just enough buttons undone in the front that she would not be a distraction but still be Thea. Her long auburn hair was pulled up in a surprisingly simply knot at the back of her head, her aunt’s strand of pearls rested on her neck, and she had a surprisingly calm half smile on her lips.

“Shouldn’t you be with Nate making sure he doesn’t get cold feet and run off?” Cat teased, knowing full well there was no way in the void that would ever happen.

Thea shrugged. “He’s rehearsing his vows for the eight millionth time, so I figured now was a good time to slip away and bring you a little ‘something new.’” She handed over the box, and Cat opened it. Inside was a flawless, detailed golden arrow charm on a delicate golden chain.

“Andraste’s blood,” Cat whispered, “Thea, it’s perfect. Help me put it on?”

Anora moved over to let Thea stand behind Cat, and her cousin carefully set the pendant against her collarbone before fastening the clasp. “I’m glad you like it,” she said, moving back in front of Cat so she could face her. “But you really ought to be thanking Dagna. She took a special order for me the same time Nate and I went to go have your ring made, and she truly outdid herself on both counts.”

“Then I will be sure to convey my compliments the next time I see her,” Cat assured Thea, “However, the fact remains that it was your idea, and it was an incredibly thoughtful one. So thank you. You are not nearly so immune to romantic gestures as you like to pretend you are.”

Thea rolled her eyes, but there was still a small half-smile playing at her lips. “Yes, well…” Then, her expression softened a bit, and her voice took on a slightly wistful note. “I am so happy for you, Cat. For you _and _Nate. I love you both so much, and just… I don’t know. You know I am garbage with this sort of thing, Catkin, but I will always be there for both of you. We are family; we always have been, and now we are just making it official. So even though you two are going to be starting your own life together, if you ever need anything, I will always have your back.”

“Oh, Thea,” Cat pulled her cousin into her arms, hugging her tightly. “We love you too. That will never change, you know that, right? Just because Nate and I are together does not mean we are going to shut you out of our lives.” She stepped back, the pressed a kiss to Thea’s forehead. “In fact, now that I am no longer going to be dedicating so much of my emotional energy to pining over him, maybe we can focus on _your_ love life.”

“Oh, gross, no!” Thea protested, wrinkling her nose but grinning nonetheless. “That’s it: I’m going back to bug Nate. He is less inclined to poke at me regarding my romantic pursuits.”

“Of lack there of,” Anora chimed in dryly, and Thea just laughed as she slipped back out into the hall to return to her house, where Nathaniel was getting ready. When she was certain she had left, Cat breathed a quiet sigh and turned to Anora.

“I wish you had been able to convince him to come,” she said softly.

“Me too,” Anora agreed, biting her lower lip slightly. “I did try, of course. But you know how stubborn he is: he is still convinced the rest of Thedas hates him and that he is destined to spend the rest of his days hiding away in Gwaren. I’ll keep working on it. Maybe it is for the best, though: you know she would be livid if we did anything to take her focus away from you and Nate today. Thea would not want us to worry about her, so let’s just worry about getting you down to the beach and that absolutely gorgeous ring on your finger, yes?”

“You’re right,” Cat conceded, then took a deep breath and smiled. “Ok, I think I’m ready. Is it time?”

“Quite nearly,” Anora replied. “Let’s go downstairs and get your bouquet and do one final check of everything, then we can start walking down to the beach. It will probably take us a bit anyways, since we won’t exactly be able to skip down there in your dress.”

“Have I mentioned how grateful I am that you are here, Nora?” Cat laughed. “Between you and Thea, this wedding is going to run absolutely flawlessly. I may very well be the first bride in history to walk down the aisle on schedule.”

Anora offered her a quiet smile. “It is only fair, Cat, as I am impossibly grateful and honored to be a part of this.” She opened the bedroom door and ushered Cat out.

“It has been a long time coming, my darling friend.”

* * *

The breeze coming off the ocean was blessedly mild, and was refreshing rather than chilly. Cat had been right: Justinian weather was perfect for a wedding, and Nathaniel had hardly been able to keep a smile from his face all day, even with the steady hum of last minute wedding preparations going on around him. It had been wonderful, being able to hand almost everything off to others so that he had Cat could spend a quiet morning in bed, whispering soft promises to each other and dusting kisses over each other’s bodies in the first soft rays of summer sunlight. Thea and Anora knew what they were doing, and Nathaniel was able to rest easy knowing they had everything handled.

It had been harder than he expected to see his wife-to-be out the door once it was time for them to both start getting ready. He knew it would only be a few hours until they were standing on the beach in front of a small group of their closest friends and family, but still. At least they had both been in agreement about keeping it small: his very presence back in Ferelden was still a topic of gossip and sideways glances, and the news that he and Cat were getting married had set it all off again.

Not that either of them much cared, but it was still easier to worry more about keeping the guest list pared down to the people they actually liked, rather than worrying about the politics or social implications of it all. There was a rumor going around that Isolde Guerrin had been positively apoplectic at their family not receiving an invitation, which had secretly amused Cat and Nathaniel and had set Thea laughing so hard she nearly cried.

He and his best friend had taken a walk down to the beach a little farther away from the ceremony site to get a few last minutes of quiet before everything started. Nathaniel was not sure if it was more for her sake or his, but he was grateful for the suggestion nevertheless. They had meandered for awhile, neither saying much, until she had found a driftwood log on which to settle, letting her bare feet sink into the warm sand and waiting for him to follow suit.

“You know, I think the best contribution I made to this entire exercise was my pointing out that nobody ought to be wearing shoes,” she observed with muted glee. “Now I look a bit less like I am the crazy one.”

“Let’s not be too hasty,” Nathaniel teased, earning him a playful punch to his bicep. “Still, you were right. We were set on a beach wedding, and shoes would have been an absolute nightmare to deal with in the sand. The reception will be a different story, but I think Cat and I both managed to find something comfortable.”

She raised a skeptical brow in his direction. “Suit yourself,” she shrugged, “But if you think _I_ will be putting shoes back on, you are sadly mistaken.”

“Teddy Girl, I would never,” he chuckled quietly. “Besides, it’s your backyard. You may do as you like.”

“Don’t I always?” She replied airily, before her attention drifted back to the sea. “You two picked a beautiful day for this.”

Nathaniel nodded. “Perfect, really. It reminds me a bit of the day we became friends. Do you remember?”

Thea laughed softly, reaching over and taking his hand. “I do, actually. I selflessly rescued you from being forced to waste a day of your vacation entertaining your brother.”

“You walked into my bedroom without knocking.”

“Oh come on, you were dressed,” Thea countered, a half smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “That was a great spring break, you know? Even with your dad and brother being the absolute fucksticks they were. I got Teddy, and my best friend.”

“Funny how things worked out, isn’t it?” Nathaniel mused quietly. “You had barely said a dozen words to me in a row the entire time we had known each other, and then suddenly we were best friends.”

She shrugged. “You know how I am, Nate. I am one picky bitch, especially when it comes to my friends, but,” she hesitated a moment, then said, “I could tell you were different. I could tell you were worth it. Although, in the interest of honesty… I kind of only gave you that first chance because Cat was hopeless for you, and you were so obviously gone for her. The fact that you turned out to be an amazing person and the best friend I could ever as for is a wholly unexpected but utterly wonderful bonus.”

“That’s fair,” Nathaniel chuckled. “You know what else I remember about that day, Teddy Girl?”

She looked up at him, head tilted slightly in question. “What’s that?”

“I remember us sitting on a log a lot like this one, bare feet in the sand and the ocean stretched out endlessly in front of us, just like the rest of our lives. And you, in that precocious way you had, asked me point blank if I liked Cat.”

“And you refused to give me a straight answer,” Thea laughed softly, “Which was all the answer I needed.”

“Well,” Nathaniel said as he stood and helped her up, “If it’s not too late to give one… yes, Thea. I like Cat. I _love_ Cat.”

“You know, I puzzled that bit out,” she retorted. “Now come on. It’s time.”

They wandered back to the ceremony site, and Nathaniel greeted the people gathered there with a smile. He took his place at the front of the sandy aisle, then Thea took her place on his left. The first beautiful strains of music sang out from Josephine’s violin as Anora joined them, flashing them a brief smile as she took a space to the right of where Cat would stand. Nathaniel took a deep breath and was almost instantly glad he did so, because what he next saw left him breathless.

There, standing at the other end of the aisle on her father’s arm, was his Cataline. His Wildflower. He had always known she was the most beautiful woman in the world but now, with her standing there in her ivory lace gown with wildflowers in her hair and the sun casting her skin in an ivory glow, she was beyond radiant. He was vaguely aware of Thea and Anora exchanging a grin behind his back, but then the rest of the world seemed to fade away as Cat approached him.

When they reached the front, Bryce embraced him warmly. “Thank you, Nate,” he spoke under his breath. “For being a man I am proud to call my son. For making my daughter so impossibly happy, and for keeping my other daughter from getting into _too _much trouble.”

“Like he didn’t start half of it,” Thea snorted, but there was a faint tremble in her voice, and Nathaniel would have bet money there would have been tears in her eyes if he had been able to pull his gaze away from Cat.

“Thank you, Bryce,” he finally managed, “For everything. For never giving up on me. On us.”

Bryce gave him one more clap on the shoulder, then took his seat beside Eleanor, taking his wife’s hand in his and practically beaming. Nathaniel gently took Cat’s hands in his, and in her eyes he saw everything he had hoped, prayed, and dreamed for his entire life. And when the ceremony had ended and they were pronounced husband and wife, he kissed her and it was like kissing the sunrise itself: a promise, constant and warm and certain.

He was home.

* * *

_14 Wintersend, 9:41 Dragon_

Anora almost felt as though she had been hit by a wall of crimson and carnation when she took her first steps into The Hanged Man. Varric had really gone all out for the Sweetest Day festivities: the entire bar was festooned in pink and red ribbons and streamers and all manner of hearts and flowers and other over the top romantic notions. It was horrifyingly tacky and obnoxiously saccharine, and it was absolutely perfect. This was not the place you took a date if you wanted seclusion and whispered words and stolen kisses: this is where you came if you wanted to poke fun at what was easily one of the most ridiculous holidays on the calendar and not take yourself or anyone else too seriously.

She slipped quietly into a booth towards the back, managing to catch Thea’s attention from where she was currently performing on stage. The other woman gave her a brief roll of her eyes in what could only be in regards to the décor, but Anora just laughed. Cat and Nathaniel were slowly turning on the dance floor, obviously and completely lost in each other, a sight that warmed her heart more than she would admit to most.

“Your usual, my lady.” Varric delivered a glass of her favorite wine with a dramatic flourish and his trademark smile, then nodded in the direction of her friends. “You know, my romance serial was absolute garbage, but those two and their love story have almost convinced me to give it another shot.”

Anora laughed quietly. “It is a very fairy tale sort of love, isn’t it?” She agreed, then settled back against the booth to wait out the rest of Thea’s set. When her friend had finished and accepted a drink of her own from Varric, she wove through the crowd of friends and lovers and other patrons to take the seat opposite Anora.

“Andraste’s blood but I’m glad you’re here,” she exhaled heavily. “But you want to sneak out to the back patio for a bit? Varric’s got the heaters on so it shouldn’t be too chilly, but I need some air.”

“Of course, Thea.” She followed her out the back door to where a small seating area was set up. When they had settled into their new chairs and Thea had taken another sip of her drink, she finally seemed to relax a bit.

“Sorry, but Eleanor was in here earlier trying to set me up with the son of one of her friends,” she explained wryly. “I think Cat’s wedding has set off some sort of internal switch and she is now bound and determined to find me a wife or husband.”

Anora laughed, but it was a sympathetic hand she reached out to take Thea’s. “For the record, any man or woman in Thedas would be lucky to have you, but I know your standards are…”

“Too high, yes, I know,” Thea sighed, and Anora gave her hand a firm squeeze.

“I was going to say they are not going to be met by anyone who does not deserve you,” she corrected. “Despite what your thoughts sometimes tell you, you deserve to be happy and loved exactly as you are, Theadosia Trevelyan.”

Thea managed a weak smile. “I appreciate the vote of confidence, Nora.”

There was an unfamiliar note of something melancholy in her friend’s tone. “What is wrong, Thea?” Anora pressed gently. “This is not just about Eleanor trying to set you up again.”

“I mean, that is certainly part of it,” Thea said, her brow slightly creased. “But you’re right: there’s more to it. I think,” she paused, then gave a shrug of resignation. “I think I am lonely, Nora. I find myself painfully envious of what Cat and Nate have, and the deep, honest love they share.”

“Oh, Thea.” Anora moved her chair closer so she could wrap her arm around Thea’s, her friend’s head falling to Anora’s shoulder with a huff. “Thea, I wish I could say something to make it better.”

“I would not trade their happiness for anything,” Thea added stubbornly. “I love them, and I love them together, but I knew things would change. They had to. Neither of them need me like they once did, and that’s a good thing. And they still make time for me, of course. I really am quite lucky: dinner together more nights than not, and lots of weekends spent doing things together. I just… I don’t know.”

“Thea, someday, maybe even someday soon, you are going to find someone who is worthy of you. Someone who will look at you the way Nate looks at Cat, and who wants nothing more than to see you smile, or to make you laugh.” _Sooner rather than later, if I can pull this off_, Anora thought to herself. “Please don’t give up yet. Not on love, but not on yourself, either.”

Thea gave a small, skeptical laugh. “I admire your optimism, Nora,” she replied. “In the meantime, I think I’ve had about as much holiday cheer as I can handle. You want to head back to my place and see what I’ve got in my personal stash?”

“That depends,” Anora smiled, gathering up her things, “On whether or not you also have a stash of those little chocolate bear cookies that pair so well with your good whiskey.”

That did make Thea laugh.

“Oh, you _know_ I do.”

* * *

Later that night, when Thea had been safely tucked into bed after they had gone through the better part of the bottle and Anora had gotten a ride back to the palace, she did not go straight to bed. Instead, she went into her personal office, switched on her desk lamp, and unlocked the top drawer of her desk, withdrawing two documents. One was much more unsettling than the other, but it may be the perfect answer to her current irritation.

Leliana had provided the report the day before. Whispers, nothing more, of Orlais preparing for… something. It was too early to assume the worst, but nor could Anora simply ignore the increase in activity at factories that traditionally produced weapons, nor the recent drills being run by the chevaliers worryingly close to Fereldan borders. At the moment, it was nothing Anora could do anything about. It had been an informational report from the head of her intelligence agency; nothing more, but it was enough.

The second document was a beautifully printed invitation: gold print on midnight blue paper. It was an invitation to Thea’s thirtieth birthday party the following month, and to the official retirement of Bryce and Eleanor Cousland. It would mark their handover of Seawolf & Steed to their daughter and their niece, and she knew her beloved friend, never much one for big parties, was dreading it. On Anora’s invitation, Eleanor Cousland had added a small note in her flawless handwriting.

_Anora dear, please feel free to bring a guest. You are one of the only people we trust to bring a plus one that will not further raise darling Thea’s anxieties, so do not feel as though you cannot bring a date or a friend to keep you company._

Anora tapped her fingers on the desk, her attention shifting from one document to the other. _Not exactly the circumstances I would have liked_, she thought wryly, _but desperate times…_ She picked up her phone and began typing, a small smile curving at her lips.

* * *

He hated this holiday.

Loghain took another long sip of whisky, rubbing his forehead to try and ward off the impending headache. It had been a long day, and it had not been improved when he had finally decided to try and go out to get something to eat, only to remember that it was Sweetest Day and every restaurant was jammed with couples swooning over each other and otherwise being cloyingly sweet and affectionate with each other.

He had settled for a sandwich at home and a bottle from his cabinet.

Now, it was approaching one in the morning and he was still awake. Which was why he saw the text from his daughter as soon as it came in.

_A: How are you, father?_

_L: I’m alright. You? _

_A: I am well. I was thinking about you and thought I would check-in. Did you do anything for the holiday?_

_L: What do you think?_

_A: Fair point. Listen, I know you have no desire to come back to the capitol, but things are… changing. Matters in Orlais are getting complicated._

_L: And in what universe do you think my coming back is going to help? If the Fereldan nobility does not demand my head, the Orlesians definitely will. _

_A: Because if we are looking at renewed conflict with Orlais, there is absolutely no one I would rather have at my side than the man who kicked them out in the first place._

Loghain sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking another long drink.

_L: I did not exactly do that alone, you know._

_A: Perhaps not, but everyone knows you were the military genius behind the victory. Besides, you cannot possibly expect to stay in Gwaren forever. Time enough has passed. At least come back long enough to help me get this straightened out. Then you can return._

If it had been literally anyone else, Loghain would have refused. He would have refused, and he would have been well within his rights to do so. But this was Anora, his only daughter, and the only person he really had left in the world. Aside from all that, he owed her this much, after everything he had fucked up.

_L: I suppose I could come up for a few weeks. No more than that, though. I still have a teyrnir to run. _

_A: I understand. Thank you, father. I truly appreciate it. Oh, and do me another favor?_

_L: Of course, Anora._

_A: Bring that suit with the silvery blue tie that brings out your eyes. I need someone to accompany me to a party next month and it will help legitimize your presence to have you there at my side._

_L: Anora, I hate parties. And why should it matter what suit I wear if they are just going to glare at me anyways?_

_A: Because I asked nicely._

_L: Oh very well. What exactly are you dragging me to?_

_A: Nothing so awful as you are probably imagining. Just a birthday party for a very dear friend of mine… _


End file.
